I never really liked Boston, it was too confined for me, or at least my apartment was. My next contract was a man named Tom White. That name sounds familiar to me... it was my best friend in the 2nd grade. I couldn't kill him. He was my friend. Although I have been in this business for years I now realize that this was terrible.
I walked back into the huge office building. went up into the elevator and went to the 11 floor. The hidden floor for the Hitman agency.
"give me a different target." I said gravely staring into the secretary's eyes.
"OK let me check for you..." she paused. "i have a Mr. Bonders for you, would you like that?" she asked in a sing-song sort of tone. She handed me a paper and i grabbed it furiously.
I had never once given up a contract, everyone knows that. But today was humorous for all of my co-workers for some reason. I did a background check on the Mr. Fred Bonders. He was a Hot-dog vendor living out of his VW van.
I went to a place called "Pam's Saloon" and asked for a Fred Bonders. The woman looked at me blankly and said that he was always on the move and is currently on a road trip to California.
I walked over to a table and got out my laptop. I made sure i was secluded from everyone else and did a more thorough check. It seems he has an over protective girlfriend with OCD. Surly she's got a GPS cellphone tracker.
I walked to her house and knocked on her door.
"Hello" she said four times trying to get it perfectly.
"I noticed that your Shutters are crooked." I said looking around the corner at the shutters. She started to panic as she ran outside checking out all of her shutters forgetting completely about me. I stepped inside and saw the cell phone sitting extremely straight on the table with the charge cord leading perfectly towards the wall.
I walked out of the house and said
"Never mind."
"oh thank you very much" she said counting her steps precisely to her door.
I walked back to my car and started following the GPS system. 17 hours of driving later I found him. He was at a gas station. I walked in and asked for the restroom key.
" Its being used" she said "It might be a while he looked pretty... you know" she said motioning her hands toward her bottom.
"Not a problem." I said walking out of the gas station.
He chose to pick a isolated parking spot; Perfect. I walked over and put a tracking device on his car, more sensitive than that woman's cell phone GPS and more reliable. About 5 more hours of following this man took me to Sacremento California.
He stopped at a retirement home and went inside for about an hour. Then he went to a Motel 6 and parked for the night. I picked locked the room next to him and spent the night there. He got up in the morning to go to a local breakfast joint. He must be familiar to this area. I picked locked his room and set up a tripwire system onto his door. When he opens the door the berring falls and pulls the trigger on the gun and whala one home made triggering system. I lifted the womans prints off of the cell phone and put it on the gun. Sure it wasn't quality but just enough for me to get out of there.
Fred opened the door and the gun went off (silenced of course) and I left for the 23 Hour drive home.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hm.
The Bad: This was rushed, and your grammer needs attention. You need to set up the scene way more than you do here.
The Good: This has potential! It could be an interesting idea if you continue with it.
The Nit Pick:
You skip tenses. I think you should make it all past tense.
Again, switching. If this is meant to be a thought, then put it in itallics.
Comma instead of full stop, and change 11 to eleventh.
Capital letter, and comma.
Capitalize your Is! This is basic punc.
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I can't do the rest now, but it follows the trend of the first bit. Say why he's going to kill this bloke. It's far too "up in the air".
Like I said, this could be a very good idea, just polish it up!