Published September 29, 2007
As I walked though the doors i felt the wet, corroded wood on my hand.. or at least what was left of it.
"BOOM"
I looked in the room and there were former humans duking it out with shards of metal. Both of the "humans" if you could call Them that were crazed humans... victims of a crashed civilization. This used to be a civilization... USA in fact. One of the non-humans cut off the others arm. blood sprayed everywhere
I took out my pistol and shot them both in the temple spewing blood on the wall. I searched Through the bodies and found a few cigarettes and a revolver.
The conference room was torn apart. the ceiling was leaking some unknown thick green liquid, and wires were hanging out of the drop down ceiling.
I threw the remains of the "beings" out the broken glass window. I looked down and watched them splat on the other pile.
This room was my home, all of the sane humans left had to find refuge from the other "beings" all of my affects were in there I often pulled things i thought would spice up the rooms in from the outside.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE USA
in the year 2012, the year the world was supposed end a new form of currency was developed. Blood. The amount of blood you have coursing though your veins this very instant controls your salary.
People went mad. they started to slash each other with knives and steal from blood-banks. The whole USA went up in flames.
In 2019 Europe, China and other world powers locked the whole USA in itself killing itself.
The whole world watched as we fell to our knees.
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This sounds a bit like a excerpt from an article or something. Its just some really fast info dumping right there at the end that just doesn't seem to be terribly realistic or particularly plausible but then this is science fiction so I suppose it doesn't need to be plausible. The action scene at the beginning is okay. It's not the best in terms of flowing through a fight scene but it is enjoyable nonetheless.
Anyway let's get right to it,
This whole section is really short so I thought that I would just start right here. This action scene doesn't really have the smoothest of flows. We aren't really get a clear picture of who's where nor are we actually seeing what on Earth is actually going on. It's just like "BANG" "BANG" this happens like an overedited action scene from a movie with one too many jump cuts. The descriptions and the actions don't seem to flow together as well as they should to make this fight scene really pop.
Well that doesn't sound like a thing that would be plausible.
This is the most realistic part that I can see here.
Ominous ending but the fact this is only just a few short lines it doesn't really have any sort of actual impact so this line falls flat somewhat.
Aaaaand that's it for this one. A fairly short review for this rather short piece.
Overall: This one was a little all over the place for me. It doesn't seem to really show what's actually going on very well. The little scene at the start is okay. It's just a bit of mindless action which isn't that bad but the ending seems a little unnecessary and just really rushed without much thought having gone into it. Sorry if this one was a little too negative but besides the decent flow this story does not quite come together that well. This sounds one of those ideas that sound really good in your head but just don't work as well as you'd think on paper.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Yeah, I agree with Griff. It's a really short time frame you've set this in (And no Jake, I'm not just criticizing this because I know you in RW). You really need to think out your stories better. (I liked you Break Neck piece)
The most important thing about science fiction is believability. Without this critical component, the reader just spends their time going "yeah right." That was my reaction to this story.
So what makes this story unbelievable?
1. Immediate future. Five years is much too short a time for this to be plausible. Given 100 years, who knows?
2. Curreny. Forget the time line for a moment: our national currency has switched from the dollar, something that is easily dividable, hard to forge, and easy to transport; to blood. How did this happen?
Oh yeah, it happened instantly.
Give me a break. The Euro didn't just happen. If there was a blood shortage and people would pay top dollar for blood, then it might be plausible, but even then there is nothing instant about it, nor would it become currency.
3. The US is destroyed immediately and catastrophically.
Wait a moment: how did you get here from blood? Even if there was civil disorder, there would be people that would try to end the madness. Military and police would certainly do their best to restore order, if only within a limited area. Militias would also form to enforce control over their area. Even blood cartels would form, since killing people reduces the amount of blood they can harvest. Things might become chaotic, but they wouldn't become disorganized.
4. China and Europe lock us in. How come China and Europe? Both are world powers, but neither of them share borders with the US. It is more believable that Canada and Mexico would seal their borders. Also, why wouldn't they invade America? China might be interested in expanding it's space, while Europe might be interested in gaining valuable technology. Also, what if they are retaliated against by US missiles? Not only does this happen, but it takes a full seven years to implement.
Overall, this story seems to want to replicate Resident Evil, except in a more impossible way. It is actually easier to suggest that a virus has been released because a) highly contagious viruses do exist, b) if it causes madness or hallucinations then it would cause immediate civil breakdown, and c) no one else would want to catch it, hence the reason for a quarantine.
Really finish your writing good idea just express it better
This is really too short to critique.