Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Other

E - Everyone

How I found the house.

by Horselover1001

"See you when you get out of this mess Lilliana, Follow your heart, it will lead you out of there," Sophie says before driving off laughing, leaving me lying on the side of the road. "No!!!" I whisper as I look behind me.

"What good friends I have," I sarcastically think to myself. Turning around I study the forest. Taking a few steps forward I let my mind wander. "Why did they do this?, What did I do to them?," My mind was racing with questions. "Follow your heart, it will lead you out of here," the last words that Sophie had said rang in my head. 

Two hours later.

As the darkness fell, the fog settled in for the night. The old hotel creaked and screeched as people plodded along the old rotting planks. A garbled voice shuddered through the night. Inside the forest, the middle was the most uncommon for a house.

As I stumbled closer I saw more and more of the house. ”Leave, Leave now”, a deep voice rumbled from inside the house. The forest that had once surrounded me then broke out into a paddock sized clearing. I could just make out the old broken windows. The front door opens, and I dashed to the nearest tree.

“What was that?”, a high pitched man’s voice echoed through the cold night. Woosh! “Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,”the owls echoed in the bush around me. As the man drew closer I could tell he was from the city. In the distance, I could just make out stables, and I heard a faint nicker of a horse. He plodded closer and I was scared he would see me. Thwack! Something struck me across the face. Darkness. 10 minutes later, I taste blood, my eyes flicker open .” Hello, is anyone there?” The leaves slithered across the ground like a snake in the wind.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
277 Reviews

Points: 3002
Reviews: 277

Sun Sep 06, 2020 12:01 am
Horisun wrote a review...

Hello, Horselover!
I'm really, really sorry I never got to reviewing this, even though I promised to. I'm going to try to make up for the long wait, even though it might not help you, as you've likely improved quite a bit (That's why I avoid older pieces)
But you requested it, so let's waste no more time!

First off, this is a really interesting concept, and I think there is a lot you could do with it, however, you could use a tad more detail to add more suspense to this, and keep us hooked.
(I actually checked out the other piece you requested, I find it kind of funny how you went to writing a little a couple paragraphs, to super long first chapters)

Ok, aside from a lack of detail, some small revisions of mine include A. the use of "Ho ho ho" Implies a jolly character, such as Santa, which felt a little out of place here.
B. The time skip caused you to miss a lot of chances to build up the atmosphere.
And C. the super sudden ending caught me off guard a bit.
These things are all my opinion though, so do what you wish with this review.

Anyway, I hope you keep writing, and have a wonderful day or night! Really sorry for the... Year? Oh god, year late review! So sorry.

Ho ho ho was meant to be hoo hoo goo, as in an owl hooting. The long chapters were written this year, but this story was written two years ago. I have improved alot since writing this story.

User avatar

Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Sat Oct 19, 2019 2:22 am
Silverthefox2 says...

i enjoyed this can you make more?

I didn't really plan to but I'll try.

User avatar

Points: 123
Reviews: 2

Wed Oct 09, 2019 8:44 pm
MayCupcake wrote a review...

Hey Horselover1001!

I enjoyed reading your story! I think that someone being left alone in the woods by their friend is an interesting concept. I also like your use of onomatopoeia to build tension towards the ending. Since this is from the first-person perspective of Lilliana, I think that there should be more of an incorporation of her feelings and reactions to what's going on around her. Like, her expressions, thoughts, or physical reactions. This will help to further build her character and further build tension. Also, you have some complex sentences in here that need a comma to help with the flow of your structure. For example in "As the darkness fell the fog settled in for the night." a comma should go after "As the darkness fell" since the sentence can either be written as "As the darkness fell, the fog settled in for the night." or "The fog settled in for the night as the darkness fell." Anyways, I hope you have a good day and keep on writing!

~ May

Thanks for the feed back I'll use your tips.

User avatar
429 Reviews

Points: 14020
Reviews: 429

Wed Oct 09, 2019 12:03 am
Liberty wrote a review...

Hey Horselover! (Glad to see another one around. ;))

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review. Let's get right into it, now, shall we? Right!

So, you have an interesting plot here, and I could definitely see you expanding this some more. Usually what a reader wants is to see who, what, where, when and why? You'll need to work on who, what, and why. Where and when you got. Where - she's in the woods. When - at night. And the picture explains quite a lot too, so that's great help for the reader to picture your image. :)

There's a website called Author Learning Center where I saw some very interesting rules on how to punctuate dialogues. I highly suggest you read it and maybe use it someday. It would be very useful for you. ;)

I found a little spelling mistake that needs to be fixed~

In the distance, I could just make out stables, and I heard a faint niker of a horse.

The bold word is spelt wrong. It's actually supposed to be nicker with a c. (:

Alright! I'm done with my review, and I hope this helped in one way or the other. Overall, great story and I can see this expanding a lot more. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever! I can't wait to see more in the future! :D

And as always...

Keep on writing!


Thanks for the feed back. I will have a look at that site.

Liberty says...

No problemo!

User avatar
74 Reviews

Points: 2804
Reviews: 74

Tue Oct 08, 2019 3:15 pm
Stellarjay says...

Hey Horselover1001!
Your story was good, it had a solid story line. Just a question though, was this part of a series of stories? You left a good cliff hanger at the end, even if it was intended or not :) There wasn't a lot of explanation for why the main character was in the forest. BUT I don't know if it a series or not. (If it isn't, you should write one!!!) Also one last thing, I would watch your grammar. It will make your story smoother. Other than that, I really enjoyed your story. Can't wait to see what else you write!

Stellar Jay


It was originally written for an assessment at school so I don't know I I'll keep writing it. As for how she got there and why she was there, I can add that. Thanks for the feed back.


User avatar
74 Reviews

Points: 2804
Reviews: 74

Tue Oct 08, 2019 3:14 pm
Stellarjay wrote a review...

Facebook is that cockroach that you just can't kill
— Gravity