z

Young Writers Society



In just a few years

by HorsebackWriter


In just a few years our lives can change,
whether for better or worse I don't know.
But I feel that's the beauty of it,
the uncertainty.
But that's also the horror of it,
the uncertainty.
Where will I be in just a few years?
Where will you be?
With any luck we'll be
right where we want to be.
Parents, workers, scholars.
Newly married, married for years, or just engaged.
Finding out you're pregnant,
or that your partner is.
And going through life hand in hand with someone you love.
And I'll be doing what I do best,
being me.
Riding out every day bareback,
and coming home at night to find my family around the table,
faces tanned and flushed from the fresh air and the work we did together.
babies that look like me and my partner,
but at the same time nothing like us.
In just a few years I want my life to be like our senior prom.
Perfect.
Only with more kids.
Do you remember prom?
I think that's how we got the kid.
But,
then again,
maybe we'll get the sour end of the deal.
Maybe in a few years,
we'll be on the other side of those pearly gates,
watching our world rip apart at the seams,
and able to do nothing.
Maybe we'll be under the ground,
buried,
without having a say in the matter.
Or did we?
In a few years,
will life be so bad that we kill ourselves?
Or will it be worse?
Will we be addicts?
Drunks?
Criminals?
Rapists?
The saddest thing is that no one knows.
Where will I be in just a few years?
If I get the sour end of the deal, that is.
Will I be a prostitute,
selling my body for other peoples pleasure?
In other words, a whore, a slut.
Just a paid one.
Will I be dead?
Will I have to watch from above while my family goes through life without me?
If they do, will I have to watch them fall apart,
because,
in truth,
I'm the glue that holds us together.
The thing that keeps us going.
And another thought,
what if being dead in a few years isn't so bad?
What if we get cancer, or HIV,
and death is just a sweet release from pain?
That wouldn't be so bad,
death wouldn't be so bad.
I'd get to see Steven again,
and meet Wyoming and Walyn for the first time.
There wouldn't be any hurt up there.
So maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
But what of the world?
Where will it be in just a few years?
Will it be so covered in garbage that it kills people?
Will the Russians find some way to take over?
Will World War III be happening,
Will all goddamn hell be breaking loose?
No one knows,
no one cares to know.
But they wonder.
And even as I write these words,
I'm left wondering with them.
Where will we all be
in just a few years.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 938
Reviews: 88

Donate
Tue Apr 12, 2011 11:04 pm
Doxie00 wrote a review...



Haa I this poem. First i would like to say that if you had put it in stanzas, it would appear reeally better. If not, i loved the thoughts that were inside. Pretty good job. :)




User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 2001
Reviews: 45

Donate
Tue Apr 12, 2011 9:01 pm
Wondergirl59 says...



Well there you go. A prom you have went to. :D




User avatar
66 Reviews


Points: 2947
Reviews: 66

Donate
Wed Apr 06, 2011 1:13 am
HorsebackWriter says...



In all truth, yes I have been to a senior prom. My gay cousin took me last year.




User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 2001
Reviews: 45

Donate
Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:51 pm
Wondergirl59 wrote a review...



My thoughts are wish wash. It was good, but could be great. Like another said, too conversational for a poem. You have great ideas, and I see where you want to go with this but didn't quite get there. Please don't take offense to my opinions but I have to say them. The "shitty end of the deal" thing? Yeah, not exactly true. Not that I am one (haha) but being a prostitute doesn't really mean your a bitch. Then you say if you do end up as a prostitute, you'll be well payed. Thought it was funny but out of place. How do you know you'll be well payed? And maybe it's just me but the "mother fucking rapist" part got me. This should mean nothing to you because writers say what they feel, but I kinda took offence to it. (nothing to do with you) I think this could be amazing. But you have to make it yours. Make us say "wow, never thought of that!" If you work on this -please do- it might just be fantastic. Won't point out your grammar mistakes since they have been said already. Please please, I beg of you, make it knock me off my feet! :)

Afterthought: Your 14? And you've already been to senior prom? Wow! :)




User avatar
403 Reviews


Points: 23786
Reviews: 403

Donate
Tue Apr 05, 2011 9:51 pm
SmylinG wrote a review...



I liked this a lot. A striking thought ;) And with a bunch of really great points thrown into it. A few nitpicks though:

Newly married, married for year#BF0000 ">(s), or just engaged.


The saddist thing is that no one knows. #BF0000 ">("saddist" is meant to be spelled as "saddest")


And even as I write these words,
I'm left wondering with them#BF0000 ">(.) Period
#BF0000 ">Where will we all be, #BF0000 ">(You need no comma here.)
in just a few years#BF0000 ">(?)


Other than this though, I caught no real flaws with this. Probably because I like the thoughts and ideas you were portraying. ;) This was really cool. Nice job.




User avatar
270 Reviews


Points: 5081
Reviews: 270

Donate
Tue Apr 05, 2011 9:37 pm
fireheartedkaratepup wrote a review...



I don't think this should be in poem format. It's too conversational and not poetic enough.

As a piece, it's pretty good--you have some good thoughts. However, these are thoughts that could come from anyone--make them distinctive. Play with the words, use vivid imagery, have fun with it. For instance, you could personify life a bit, something like..... I don't know.... saying that it's a suffocating blanket that chokes the life out of people, causing them to lose hope, their dreams to wither, and ultimately ending in their destruction. (There's a way to make this really poetic, I just can't find it right now.)
(And I realize the way I write probably isn't what you're going for, I'm just trying to explain what I'm getting at.)

You spelled "saddest" as "saddist", which is different from "sadist". (Heh.)

Overall, I think this is pretty good, and could become great after it's refined and polished.





Make your dreams come true. Don't wish for them, work for them.
— Lilly Singh