The heavy village air came down on me as a burden when I stepped out of our ramshackle car. Red dust and flies surrounded me, buzzing angrily as if to tell me that I am an unwelcome guest. I felt like one, too. The villagers stared at me coldly, with wide eyes and bared teeth. I felt as if I had stepped between a hungry herd of lions, and I was the one holding the meat.
I couldn’t breathe, either. It was hot and humid – the most dreadful combination. But I had to get used to it – we were to live here for the next couple of months, and the climate was almost always the same. Sticky and hot. Very sticky and hot.
The children playing in our village gave out sharp yelps, and my head was starting to hurt. Will we ever get accepted? I tried to shake off a little boy that was climbing my shoulder and pulling me to the ground. He was laughing at me. He said something in a language foreign to me, and pulled up to the top of my head.
“Kengo, no,” I heard my father say. “The boy isn’t used to carrying you yet,” he chuckled. Yet? What was that supposed to mean?
Meanwhile, the adults started to surround us as well. I looked around with an increasing feeling of unease – I didn’t know whether their cool smiles were a way to say “hi” or simply means of making us look and feel more appetizing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
The bold part should be worded, "started to hurt." Much less confusing. The underlined section is repetitious. I would fix that.
I really didn't understand what was going on. It was mainly because it was very short, and I needed more to trust the story. Currently, I have no idea what I just read. If you post more, give me a call so I can understand the story a bit better.
Hey, HorseFreak! Welcome to YWS. ^_^
This is rather short, but you've definitely set the mood for an interesting story. What makes your narrator's family so unnacceptable? I suppose I shall have to read on and find out...
Because I've only read a little bit of the story, I'll save my questions about your characters, and all of that. However, before you start jumping into the descriptions of the village people (the Village People? haha) you're going to want to explain what your narrator's family is doing there in the first place. Arranging the information with explanation --> what's going on now will make the reading go a lot more smoothly.
In the future, you're going to want to be careful of describing really strange behavior--such as the boy leaping and the villagers baring their teeth--without going in and explaining it more. Otherwise, everyone's going to stop and go, "Huh? Are they really baring their teeth, or...?" which is not the greatest reaction to have, especially if they really are.
Thanks for the read! PM me if you have any questions or when you put the next part up. ^_^