In town was when I first noticed the behaviour. It wasn’t particularly striking or absurd, but it always bugged me, and only I ever seemed to notice it. I was waiting to cross the road when I looked to my left to see if anyone had bothered to press the button on the pelican crossing, nobody had so I ventured over there to do it myself (no point waiting in the rain for a light that won’t come). As I was heading over there, someone else decided now was the perfect time to break rank and do it themselves – great timing, eh.
What happened next was that little niggling that I was talking about earlier. This stranger didn’t press the button once, instead they were possessed to keep on pushing it. Press, press, press, press, each time quicker than the last, gaining in speed as though the fate of the lights depended on it (they really didn’t; you press it once, and the light politely notifies you that it’s received the signal), but this nitwit wouldn’t stop, she just kept giving it stacks. I decided to look away and think of something – anything! – else. I rested my eyes on the red man, hoping that he’d turn green, if not for the little fact that it’d keep this woman’s’ finger from haphazardly hitting the button, I mean, what is she truly hoping to accomplish? The traffic would part and she’d freely be able to walk through the myriad of cars like Moses traversing the ocean?
I was done by that stage, but my attention had drifted toward the sky – it was a deep purple as darkness approached and I could just picture my bed waiting to envelope me. How foolish of me, for as soon as I had realized it, the beeping of the traffic lights had ceased and the whole cycle started again!
Annoyed as I was I knew that this time I would not be duped. I stood beside the traffic light, like two soldiers standing guard, and with one firm press of the forefinger waited in earnest for the green man to appear. It was no more than 45 seconds before he revealed himself (no longer than that idiot before me, might I add), and I was on my merry way.
I was delighted as I was nearing the approach to my hotel room, and trying to forget the day behind me. My briefcase swung aimlessly with the motion of my arms, my hair was free from its gel-locked encasing, and I could see the hotel room beckoning me inside. It was like a menagerie of lights, breaking through the darkness, leading me towards it. I, quite naturally, obliged, as I swung through the doors and handed my briefcase to the doorman.
As much as I’d tried to clear my head before entering the lobby, I couldn’t shake the stupid woman’s behaviour earlier as I waited for the elevator. There was a portly gentleman standing there in what seemed to be a velvet blazer, and tweed trousers. Despite his obvious poor fashion choice there was nothing more interesting to say about the man.
He looked over to me and said, “Boy, it’s a cold one out there tonight isn’t it, fella?”
I nodded my head in agreement. It wasn’t particularly cold, no, but I wasn’t one to talk.
It seemed almost an age before the lights flashed from the 9th floor downward. They paused at each one; presumably gaining in shipment each time, although I’m not too sure if that’s true. You wouldn’t believe what this fellow did next though. He started to press the elevator call button repeatedly, too, just like that idiot woman did at the pelican crossing earlier!
“Bloody thing must be stuck or something”, he said while poking at the button.
I pressed my two forefingers to my head, and massaged myself at my temples, I simply couldn’t take any more of this man’s foolish antics. I closed my eyes and just listened to the low ding, that the elevator made as it approached the ground floor.
It arrived smoothly and the doors opened, revealing a woman inside, a rather professional black lady in a pencil skirt whose gait reminded me of a mosquito as she passed me by.
“Are you coming or not?” enquired the older gentleman. Somehow he’d already worked himself inside the elevator, I must have been staring at the black woman.
“Yes,” I said, “thank you.” He left the doors open before hitting for the third floor.
We travelled in silence, I once sighed and he stifled a cough.
When the ride was finished he went his way, and I went mine.
I couldn’t wait to feel the supple mattress and the pillow caress me like a woman’s tresses. I fell asleep almost immediately, the thoughts of those two fools were perhaps the last things I thought of that night, but I wasn’t immure, I moved on.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well I was quite ready to review this work when I saw it on your wall, but it seems like its had enough of that already. I just want to say that even if it did have its quirks, I LOVED this peice, for no other reason than its properness. It made me laugh in some places, although I don't think you were trying to be funny (it's just my weird sense of humor).
Maybe I will be quick enough to review your next work, which i'm sure will be just as cool as this peice.
No problem at all stranger, thanks for laughing (it made me giggle when writing it, so ya-huh that was one of my goals - glad I succeeded!)
I've got a lot of ideas at the moment (re-writing this, writing a Shakespearean sonnet, and an idea for a play), it's just that I need to get down and find the motivation to write!
I appreciate your commentary though and wish you a nice day!
Hey Horribliss,
I'll just go and dive into this review, because there is a chicken in my house.
Ok, so! I'm not sure of your intention for this piece - whether it's a comedy, or a slice-of-life blurb, or a narrative ramble/rant, or a character-study/piece of a larger work - this piece just seemed incomplete to me, or if there was a direction, then it seemed rather poultry. In the sense that the focus of this piece is less about London or ramblings as a whole, and more about the pet peeve behind the button-pushing. Which is fine! You can totes build a piece centered around that! I think I once saw a chick flick about something similar, so it can totes work.
But there's not much set-up. Is the speaker in a big hurry or something? Is he anal attentive about such things? Is it just a pet peeve? You go straight into the button pushing and how it annoys the speaker, and then there's a scene about it, and then later when he gets home, 'lo and behold, more button pushing. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. The joke finished with that very first line - so by the end, we're left feeling incomplete or anticlimactic. It's like this piece is walking on egg shells. What's the big picture here? Why should I care? Now, it could very well be that I'm an American, and I just don't get what's so funny/don't get the dry humor. Maybe today I'm just in a particularly fowl mood.
I would agree with Shino and Aley - whether you intend to add more psychological aspects or insights, or whether you choose to add more tension to the events described, I think these suggestions are good advice and can help the piece strut it's stuff, because what you have now - you have some prose focused in on the details, you've got a developing voice - but you need an overall picture, otherwise it just seems rather aimless - like a blog journal as opposed to a structured piece of prose.
My suggestion - if your button-mashing is the punch line - then have there be build up! Have there be tension! Deli*very is key, so dress this up. There need to be stakes! Keep writing, and feel free to stop by my wall any time. Also, I do want to apologize for the lateness of this review.
I read your message about an hour before I was about to get off work, you see. And I really didn't feel right if I were to type this review while at work, because essentially it would've meant that I was being paid to review, and something about that doesn't boil right with me.
Anyway, as I was driving home, I decided to cut through all the traffic and take the back roads home. And I live in the good ol' southern state of Georgia, so of course, I'm hurriedly driving down this unfamiliar path on my way home, trying to get to a laptop to type up this review, and what do I see in the middle of the road?
A chicken! And he was crossing so unbelievably slow, I wasn't going to get anywhere with him. So I just plucked him.
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Yep, your review did help, actually.
I wasn't even sure about what the piece was, but I just liked the character when I was writing him so thought that I'd continue it onwards.
The title comes from the fact that I thought he was so damn British when I was writing, and his annoyances were just so caricature of what your typical Londoner gets themself worked up about - saying 'hello' in the street is seen as weird, sitting beside someone when there are other seats available, Heaven forbid you make eye-contact with someone on the tube, then the rest of the train journey is ruined in an awkward-as-all-hell silence!
I appreciate the perilous effort you went through to make the review, and didn't mind the wait at all - I'm just grateful that you did make the review and of all the pointers you gave. In hindsight it probably does lack focus, but I'll work on that for my re-draft.
Yep, I wasn't initially planning to re-write it, but I think I will now. The scene'll incorporate his whole journey from work (including a Tube ride).
I *think* I was trying to go for something similar to Mearsault from Camus' "L'etranger", as I recently read it, and it must've been nestling in my subconcious.
Anywho, take care, and thank you very much!
Hey Horribliss! I'm going to give you a quick review. This piece was very entertaining. Not much actually happened, but it was still an amusing piece of writing. I can definitely relate to the main character, you did a great job showing us his annoyance by using body language.
A few quick things that stood out to me.
I would've liked a bit more grounding into the setting. I don't think you ever actually mention that the story is set in London, except in the title. You do a good job showing us the character is from Europe by the type of language you select, though. Good job with that!
A good way to really emphasize his disdain and annoyance would be to keep pounding him with little things. Maybe he checks his mail, and all he gets is bills. Maybe the door man takes forever to let him in. Just keep ruining his luck!
Another thing, when you mention the black woman, she doesn't seem to have any significance in this story. I read in Aley's comment that you may use this as a part of another set of writing. If you don't, I would remove the woman from this piece because she isn't very plot significant.
Nice job, Horribliss! I really enjoyed this piece, you have a very entertaining style. Keep up the good work! I hope my review was helpful.
Your review made me smile, and it was indeed helpful, thank you very much.
I'm gonna go ahead and re-write and re-submit this piece.
I never intended to, but I think it'll be a learning exercise for me, and give me something to focus on for the next week.
Thanks again, and let me know if I can help you in any way in the future!
Overall, I would like to see more investigation into why people do this as a thought, musings about possible psychology behind it perhaps. I think that would help round this out into something of more substance rather than just an interesting series of events. I like how honest the speaker seems about what is going on, such as being left behind at the crosswalk, and the amazement the speaker has at the repeated button pushing. I think the only thing that could possibly be more annoying would be if the Pink song that came out recently showed up.
This one here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiUchttUNtE (Language warning)
Overall, I think more specifics could improve this to give it better context. Instead of saying "In town was when I first noticed the behaviour," specify what town. If you can, name the street the speaker was crossing.
The last thing is more of a comment about something which bugs me.
"I swung through the doors and handed my briefcase to the doorman." - I would never give my valuable briefcase to a doorman. I would take it to my room. That makes this nag at my head like the button pushing did for the speaker.
I never thought about that but you do have a point.
I'll take that into consideration and perhaps re-draft this piece, or if I include this chap in any future writings.
I greatly appreciate that you took the time to read and review this piece; thank you!
Hi there personnn.
I like this as a whole, and there is little I could find to complain about as well. And it is annoying when people do that. It makes me grumpy.
Anyways, I did notice a few little things:
1. "I was waiting to cross the road when I looked to my left to see if anyone had bothered to press the button the pelican crossing"
Reread this sentence. The "the button the pelican" I believe is probably a typo.
2. "It wasn’t particularly cold, no, but I wasn’t one to talk."
Personally, I think that the "no" here isn't really needed. That's just me though. If you like it there, then, by all means, keep it there.
3. "It arrived smoothly and the doors opened, revealing just one lady inside, a rather professional black lady in a pencil skirt whose gait reminded me of a mosquito as she passed me by."
You use "lady" twice here, not only in close proximity, but also in the same sentence as each other. I would recommend changing one of the two into "woman" or the like instead.
So, besides those three little things, I thought this was well written and I just liked it in general.
Duly noted, I'll go and correct them now.
Thanks for the review, I really do appreciate it!