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The Witch of the Rotten Borough, Prologue

by Horisun


The morning is sweet, with a breeze that’s thick with the smell of pollen. The green leaves on the trees shield the dark and cool mountainside from the sweltering sun. Susie is ten years old, and she’s holding a rifle that’s much too heavy for her, trailing after her grandfather as he slices his way through the thick foliage. The dirt is moist, but not swampy, and they have to watch where they step, not to trample the carpet of fragile vegetation beneath their feet. They’ve wandered off the path.

The cutlass in her grandfather's hand gleams like it’s carved from the glittering snow on the distant mountaintop. He is an old man, almost seventy. Tall and proud, but also very, very wrinkled- like the gnarled boreal trees that grow all around them. His skin is warm and brown yet blotted with old scars from his time battling the elves. Her grandfather is a hero.

He sheathes his blade and turns to Susie, crooked finger pressed to his lips, then beckons her forward.

They come to a clearing, and crouch low behind a fallen tree. Once, it must have sliced the sky into two. Now, bugs and pixies were busy gnawing all its grandeur away. She watches a little critter, with small iridescent wings, as it clambers up and over the back of her hand. She’d been bitten a pixie, when she was real little. They scared her terribly for a very long time, and she wouldn’t go anywhere near the forest, not even with her grandfather or her sister beside her.

But Susie’s older now. Old enough not to let silly things like fairies frighten her. She watches the pixie vanish back into the bark of the tree.

“Rifle at the ready, Susie,” her grandfather says beneath his breath, “there’s something moving there, straight ahead.” She squints. She doesn’t see anything, but levels her gun all the same. “On my mark…”

The maw of the forest opens, and out steps the most beautiful creature Susie has ever seen; a long, pristine coat, untouched by the muck of the woods, and a silk curtain mane. Gentle black eyes, like buttons glittering on a wealthy women’s blouse. A long, elegant neck, like a crane. An ivory horn, sharp as a blade.

Susie fires the gun.

It happens quick. The unicorn drops to the forest floor with nary a sound, a silver pool spooling from the bullet wound on its chest.

Her grandfather claps her on her back, “Excellent shot, Susie!”

She lowers her gun, a smile splitting across her face, “I know, huh?” she squeals, “She stepped from the trees, and boom! I got her.”

He ruffles her hair and swaggers from their hiding place towards the fallen unicorn. Susie leans against the ancient tree, drinking in the image of her quarry.

Andrew Peterson at first gives the creature a wide berth. He sizes up the unicorn, who looks perfect, even in death. His eyes take on a shimmering quality, not unlike the pixies wings. Susie frowns.

Before she can get too caught up in worry, he looks back up at her, grin bared. “Wonderful job, kid. I’m real proud. The Logan’s won’t have to worry about their goats going missing anymore, thanks to you.”

Susie beams. Greedy eyes settle on the horn, and her empty stomach twists, “How much will it go for?”

“Ah,” her grandfather scowls as he shuffles closer to the unicorn, “not much, kid. Unicorn meat is cursed. You can’t eat it.”

Susie points, “What about the horn?”

He laughs softly, then crouches down to the ground and places two fingers to the unicorns neck. “Who in Monsbury would buy something so useless? I’d have to leave town and try to sell it to the bourgeoisie over the mountains, and you know that- “

Before Susie can say a word, the unicorn’s eyes fly open, and it sinks it’s fangs into her grandfather’s shoulder.

It’s teeth are as sharp as it’s horn, and rows of them line all the way back into the creatures throat. Her grandfather shouts, and gropes blindly for his blade- which is sitting behind the log, next to Susie.

The unicorn’s jaw clamps tighter, and it’s muzzle becomes red with blood. Susie’s chest feels like it’s collapsing inward, all the air leaving her lungs in one, noiseless scream.

She raises the rifle once more; this time, she aims for the head.

If she had more time, she might’ve worried about hitting her grandfather instead, who was currently locked in a violent embrace with the monster. But then again, maybe not; Mother always says Susie is too impulsive, as does Angelique, and all twelve of their cousins. And maybe they’re right.

Her grandfather says she’s got a soldier’s instinct and a marksmen’s aim. The bullet sails straight through the unicorn’s skull: and for the final time, it slumps back to the ground.

“Grandpa!” she cries, the rifle falling from her hands and into the dirt. She bolts out from behind the tree and to his side.

He lays there, rasping for air, clutching at his arm, now caked with blood and punctured with holes.

“Let me help you up. Come on, let’s get you home!”

He doesn’t reply. His eyes close, and he gasps for oxygen like a beached carp. She grabs his hand and squeezes it tight.

“What do I do?” Susie begs, “How do I save you?”

A gentle hand rests on her shoulder, and the edge of an ice-cold blade presses against her neck. Susie notices, too late, the long shadow cast over her.

“I am so sorry, dear,” says a soft, bemused voice, “I don’t think that you can.”

The blood drains from Susie’s face. The forest is colder than it was before. She hates how her voice shakes as she asks, “Who are you?”

“I am a traveler,” the voice replies. “and you killed my steed.”

“I’m sorry.” Says Susie, though the words taste bitter even as they pass her lips. “I’m sorry,” she tries again, “She… she was eating all of the Logan’s goats.”

The voice tsks. “What a petty reason, to kill a beautiful creature.”

Susie’s face grows very hot, “It’s not,” she cries, two red coals burning where her eyes were before, “They starve without those goats. And if the Logan’s starve, we starve, too.”

The blade slackens, and the attacker eases away. They say, peeved, “But without my unicorn, I have to make the rest of my very long journey on foot. Did you consider that one, kid? When you shot her dead?”

Susie stumbles forward, and her hand flies to her neck. She wheels around to face the attacker, then her heart seizes in pure shock.

The woman is stunning as her unicorn, but that’s only about the tenth thing Susie takes in; she’s decked, head-to-toe, in weaponry, like a walking-talking armory. Enough gun’s decorate her hips to arm a militia, and as if that weren’t enough, two long, silver blades are strapped to her legs as well. It’s to the point of lunacy- who could ever need that many weapons?

Her skin is snow-pale, white as the unicorn’s coat, and her hair is silver like it’s blood. Her eyes are a dark, reddish brown, like a burning hearth, and they are untouched by her half-quirked smile.

But what makes Susie feel as though her soul has left her body is the sharp point of the woman’s ears, tapered as the monster’s teeth.

She pushes past the woman and makes for the fallen tree, for her dropped gun. The elf catches her by the wrist.

“Oh, come now, don’t try to shoot me.” Her face splits into a jagged smile, “I’ve done nothing yet to deserve it.” She looks Susie in the eye and is startled by the daggers she finds there. Her grip loosens. “What’s your name, child?”

Susie remembers the stories her sister told her. “Cora.”

“Cora,” the smile returns to the elf’s face, “I’m called Lydia.”

The name is human. Ill suited to everything about the monster before her. Susie’s lips move before she can stop them, “Is that your real name?”

Lydia grins, “So distrustful! It’s almost like I killed your unicorn.” She purses her lips, and taps her chin in mock-thoughtfulness, “Though, I do suppose my negligence is indirectly responsible for your grandpa's injury. What say I heal him for you, and we let bygones be bygones?”

“You can do that?” Susie says, before catching herself. She schools her face, and folds her hands in front of her, “What do you want in return?”

She laughs. It’s more of a series of snorts, really, not at all matching her ethereal demeanor. Her face screws up in mock offense, placing a delicate hand on her heart, “Kid, I’m not the greedy sort, is that what you think of me? You murder my horse, I offer to heal your pops, and you ask what I want from you? The audacity, honestly. What, were you raised in a barn?”

“Yes, I was.” Susie says. She jabs a finger at the elf lady, “Heal him, or don’t. But try to play games with me, and I will shoot you.”

The elf throws her hands in the air, mouth twisted into a false frown, as she obviously bites back another burst of laughter. “You’re right. My apologies, ma’am.” With a swish of her coat, she sinks down to the ground beside Andrew Peterson. Susie hears her whisper beneath her breath, “something something… human children… something something… could just eat them up.” and eases herself another step toward her gun.

But the elf doesn’t make any attempt to cannibalize Susie. Instead, she loses the smile, and her eyes narrow in intense focus. She draws a handbound book from her back pocket, and a charcoal pencil from her ear, and begins to trace a series of looping patterns onto the paper.

Elvish magic had wiped out whole armies during the war. Not far from Monsbury, the town Susie called home, is a charred crater where a fortress once stood, proof of the dangerous magic that the elves possessed. Strange humans in the kingdom’s capital had been practicing the same sort of sorcery for years, and as far as Susie knew, they still weren’t even half as capable of equal mass destruction.

She finds herself shuffling closer, peering over the elves shoulder. Her left ear swivels back- freaky, Susie thinks- and the elf turns to smile at her.

“Would you like to see how it works?” she asks.

A powerful emotion floods Susie’s chest, one she can’t quite place. Her fingers itch, and she nods yes, without quite meaning to.

The elf pats the ground next to her. Susie sits slightly left of that. Her grandfather lies unconscious a few feet away, his blood mingling with the silver of the dead unicorns.

“He’s still alive, right?” Susie whispers, her hands clenching. She can’t see if he’s breathing or not.

“Sure is,” says the elf, “couldn’t do a thing if he wasn’t.”

The elf holds the book flat on her lap, so that Susie can see. She writes out three or four runes, then stops to point out the most important ones.

“Vitalis, that’s for lending strength,” she says, indicating a large, swoopy one, “Here is antidotum, as you know, unicorn’s are venomous…”

“What about these ones?” Susie asks about the smaller runes, in between the major ones.

“Forgive me,” says the elf, “these would take me an eon to explain to a human. If you think of runes like words, then these here are the ones, and ands, and punctuation. They’re a lot of things, really. They’re the grammar. Boring. Blah.” She winks at Susie, “I’m sure you hear enough about it in school.”

Susie can’t help but jeer, “School barely teaches me anything at all. Ms. Marie Anne definitely doesn’t know jack about magic.”

“Oh, you poor thing,” says Lydia. “Maybe try checking a book out from the library.”

“Monsbury doesn’t have any libraries,” cries Susie, exasperated, but the elf has become distracted. She stands to her feet and rips her page out of the book.

“Alright then,” she grins lopsidedly at Susie- a real, genuine smile, that almost reaches those dark eyes, “are you ready? Stand back a little bit, please, I need my space now.”

Susie looks down at her grandfather, whose face is entirely slack. She wonders, too late, if he’d even want an elf to heal him. She considers the ancient scar plastered across his face, one of many earned in fatal battle.

Lydia begins to read.

Susie doesn’t know what she expected. Something glow-y, maybe, like the sparkly lights pixies emit at night. Maybe some gravitas to the elf’s voice- but no, she sounded just the same. She may as well have been reading aloud a grocery list.

But the effect on her grandfather was immediate. His wounds sealed over, and the blood evaporated. Unearthly, magical.

That wasn’t all; his scars, too, began to fade. Susie rubs her eyes, making sure they’re working right.

It’s like when a wave crashes over the shore, and then recedes; and the sand is reset, smooth and perfect, like nothing happened in the first place. The paper in Lydia’s hand catches to flames, and then burns to cinders. She tilts her palm, and lets the ash flutter to the ground like snow.

“There now,” she says, “Isn’t that better? All is forgiven.”

Susie musters her voice, “Thank you.” She manages, “For not being angry about…”

“Philomena?” finishes the elf, “Oh, I am furious! My feet are going to hurt so bad... but I like you, and I didn’t want to kill you.” Her eyes take on a strange shine, and she smiles again. The hairs on the back of Susie’s neck rise. “Tell you what, kid, if losing a couple of goats is enough to wipe your whole township out, why don’t we strike a deal?” 


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Sun Sep 29, 2024 12:42 am
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RangerofIthilien wrote a review...



Hello there, Horisun!

I'm Ranger, here to write a review on the wonderful prologue you have written here! I have not read the other chapters to this story but after reading this, I most certainly will! Anyway, that being said, let's get into it, shall we?

One of the very first reactions I had while I was reading was the notice of such a unique aspect of combining parts of modern and fantasy together! Further reading along, I can see how this plays incredibly well with the history and world building. With the power of the Elven magic in the wars of course they would need more advanced weapons to combat that. Continuing on, the vivid descriptions and similes really play into the vibrancy and immersion of the world, deepening how the story captures nearly all of one's attention. Even with the beauty of this world though, I found it incredibly fascinating that while capturing the ethereal and mystical aspects you played into also giving them dangerous qualities such as the unicorn having teeth and the biting pixies as well as the nearly monsterous qualities of Lydia. I feel like this plays really well into Susie's point of view!

As for Lydia herself, I felt like doing an entirely new section just for her since she is so fascinating to me. I love how her personality switches form cool and threatening to almost warm and converational (however, I wouldn't go so far as to say friendly quite yet). Her anger with Susie at first and then her wanting to help Susie certainly left me curious and in anticipation to what the conclusion of the interaction would be. The end itself left be both surprised and yet not at the same time. Lydia seemed like she genuinely wanted to help just enough to really capture that surprise at the end like one was almost to believing her and then what one expected to happen did indeed happen. I greatly enjoyed that!

The only critique I would have for the entire work is that would it really be cannibalism is Lydia is an elf while Susie is not? I'm not sure if the word would be technically accurate although it greatly helps the point get across so not too big of a deal, just curious!

Overall, this was wonderful to read and I greatly look forward to reading your other chapters to this work in the future! It has certainly captured my fascination with the depth of the world building, magic, and unique aspects it combine with the excellent character interactions seen throughout!

I hope this was helpful and that you have a wonderful day!

Farewell!
-Ranger




Horisun says...


Thank you so much for the review! :D



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Fri Sep 27, 2024 3:37 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hey there, Horisun!

Q here to review your story! Fair warning, I haven't read any of the other parts -- but they look like they're later down the line? Or maybe just in the same universe?

Anyway, you pulled me in immediately with your vivid imagery and the way you sort of turned the plot on its head a couple of times -- from the unicorn being beautiful, to being vicious, to being sort of tragic again, and the way you mashed up a sort of real-world schooling situation with more fantastic elements. :) It was really absorbing!

The morning is sweet, with a breeze that’s thick with the smell of pollen. The green leaves on the trees shield the dark and cool mountainside from the sweltering sun. Susie is ten years old, and she’s holding a rifle that’s much too heavy for her, trailing after her grandfather as he slices his way through the thick foliage. The dirt is moist, but not swampy, and they have to watch where they step, not to trample the carpet of fragile vegetation beneath their feet. They’ve wandered off the path.

The cutlass in her grandfather's hand gleams like it’s carved from the glittering snow on the distant mountaintop. He is an old man, almost seventy. Tall and proud, but also very, very wrinkled- like the gnarled boreal trees that grow all around them. His skin is warm and brown yet blotted with old scars from his time battling the elves. Her grandfather is a hero.

Ah I love you how you immediately lead with description and you also give us clear indicators that we're in a fantasy world while not really pushing it. :)
I'm sorry I can't quote all of your descriptions in this review but just know I adore them all! They're very poetic and I love the creative ways you bring in the fantasy elements, like the pixies, in the background.

“Rifle at the ready, Susie,” her grandfather says beneath his breath, “there’s something moving there, straight ahead.” She squints. She doesn’t see anything, but levels her gun all the same. “On my mark…”

Not sure if it's the rifle or the language or the names, but I keep getting this weird sense that there's like a little spice of wild west in this fantasy and I love it. :)

Andrew Peterson at first gives the creature a wide berth.

Whoa, it threw me off to see Susie's grandpa's name thrown in here. Is it necessary information to have first and last name? The story is sort of being filtered through Susie's point of view, so it just seemed weird to see him referred to in that way. I feel like "Grandpa Andrew" or "Grandpa Peterson" might be more along the lines of how we'd see his name incorporated. Just mentioning this because it kind of took me out of the story for a second wondering who that was. XD

“Wonderful job, kid. I’m real proud. The Logan’s won’t have to worry about their goats going missing anymore, thanks to you.”

Ooh. I'm a little torn, because on the one hand, I love that you make us think they just killed an innocent unicorn, then you double back on it and tell us that it was actually saving the village! And I really love that. But might also have been cool to see a line when Susie is about to shoot about whether she doubts if it's the right thing, or if she doesn't doubt at all because she knows the unicorn has to go. We don't really get to see that process, it just seems a little emotionless for them when it's clearly a bit of a bigger deal.

Also, SUPER spooky about the unicorn fangs. o_o Love it.

“I am a traveler,” the voice replies. “and you killed my steed.”

“I’m sorry.” Says Susie, though the words taste bitter even as they pass her lips. “I’m sorry,” she tries again, “She… she was eating all of the Logan’s goats.”

The voice tsks. “What a petty reason, to kill a beautiful creature.”

Lol I wonder why she didn't keep a better eye on her steed?? XD

The blade slackens, and the attacker eases away. They say, peeved, “But without my unicorn, I have to make the rest of my very long journey on foot. Did you consider that one, kid? When you shot her dead?”

I got a little confused from the tone change here -- we went from sort of formal language, which Susie doesn't use as much, to calling her "kid." It just felt a little out of place to me with this character's tone -- we haven't seen much of it yet at this point, but it clashes a bit. I felt the same way about "ma'am" below:
The elf throws her hands in the air, mouth twisted into a false frown, as she obviously bites back another burst of laughter. “You’re right. My apologies, ma’am.”

It seems as if a mocking "m'lady" might be more in keeping? Not sure, but I thought I'd point it out!

Lydia seems really fun -- I love how she is kind of just messing with Susie in some ways but is simultaneously chill? It's confusing and I'm here for it. XD

I'm not exactly sure what it is that makes her like Susie and turn from threatening her to helping heal her grandfather -- maybe she sees something useful and that's why she wants to make a deal. But I did feel like I got a little bit of whiplash from everything going on, character-wise. There's seriousness, then banter, cool healing sequence, but also threatening, making light of Susie's schooling but also making light of the unicorn's death. Ah! It was just a lot packed into the first meeting between these characters. It might be nice to see the emotions a little simplified for now, and then we could see all of Lydia's quirks come out as time goes on. But maybe that's just because I've been reading slower-paced things lately. :) Either way, I do love Lydia's goofiness. It was really entertaining to keep reading.

“Philomena?” finishes the elf, “Oh, I am furious! My feet are going to hurt so bad... but I like you, and I didn’t want to kill you.” Her eyes take on a strange shine, and she smiles again. The hairs on the back of Susie’s neck rise. “Tell you what, kid, if losing a couple of goats is enough to wipe your whole township out, why don’t we strike a deal?”

Love this. What a fitting last paragraph! Still the funny banter, and the not-quite-knowing what Lydia REALLY thinks, plus the added bonus of knowing that more stuff is going down with whatever this deal is...

Thanks for sharing this! I had a really fun time reading it, and haven't found an interesting story in the fantasy genre for a while. :) Let me know if you have any questions!

-Q




Horisun says...


Thank you so much for the review!!! Awesome call about Lydia switching from threatening Susie, to wanting to help her. It doesn't feel muddled to me, the writer, because I know exactly what her thought process is, but more clarity for the reader is definitely a must.

This prologue happens before the other chapters, though there are a few continuity errors (such as Andrew Peterson not making an appearance or mention) because I wrote this after the rest.

Again, thanks for taking the time to read and review! :D




they got that magical iridescence that you don't expect to be on a sky rat y'know
— Ari11