Hey there! MJ, or Tuck, stopping by for a short review
This is a run-on sentence, maybe consider rewording it to something like "They were redder than fire, a sharp contrast against the gray horizon" or something to that effect.They were redder than fire, they stood out against the gray horizon.
Another run-on, and this one I would advice splitting up into 2 separate sentences.He looked back at the Dark Lord, but he was a second too late, the Dark Lord slashed his cheek.
Another run-on, and if this is dialogue, then it shouldn't be italicized, but rather enclosed in quotation marks.James, this is for you! Lucas stabbed at the Dark Lord with all his might, the Dark Lord blocked just in time, they both fell backward and hit the ground.
Again, a few grammatical errors."We're not real, are we?" Lucas asked." 'We're not real, are we' Lucas asked. panic risingPanic rose in him "hHow? How could this be?'" The girl echoed.
Apart from these small grammar mistakes, which could be fixed with a quick round of proofreading, you had a clever story here. I think you could've taken it a little further, however, and I'll dive into that in a moment.
1) Characters. By fleshing out your characters more, developing personalities outside of their protagonist and antagonist roles, and giving them unique quirks, you'll be able to draw the reader in and create three-dimensional, relatable characters.
2) More description. The idea of text appearing in the landscape has so much unexplored potential. Is it black text on a white background? Does it wash out the landscape, or is it pasted over it? Does it surround each character in a bubble? Are they looking at the same text? Is it moving from left to right, or appearing and then disappearing? At what speed? All of these questions will help the reader get a better picture of what's going on and intrigue them further.
3)Adding some originality. Many of the characters here were the typical protagonist and antagonist cliches—a brave, benevolent, fighting-for-justice protagonist and the strong, black-and-red, true evil and destruction and chaos antagonist. These tropes are familiar to anyone who's read books for any amount of time, and adding in little quirks will make the characters really come to life, which helps your story really draw the reader in.
Hopefully this was helpful! Sorry if this review came across as harsh; I really do think you're onto something good here, and much of this advice was broad and general intentionally to improve your overall writing. Not a bad start at all, and if you have any additional questions, I'd be happy to answer them. Great work and, most importantly, never stop writing.
~MJTucker
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