The Fracture

Hello, I've meandered by and now I shall leave a review!

The way this jumps right into a scene seems to suggest that there's more to this story, even if right now it only lives in your head. However, for being a one-scene piece, it does provide enough context for what's basically going on, which deserves credit. You've established that the two speakers in the scene are friends, and apparently they are or were both part of the same band at a point in time. It sounds like this is the primary bond between their friend group. But then one of them has a problem with their friend's significant other, and it's obviously causing some tense emotions.

Having been in a situation where people warned me about my boyfriend's flaws and yet I did not see them as being that bad, I can understand where Ochi is coming from and some of what they are feeling. It's hard to accept brutal feedback like that on one's romantic life. And yet Alex, like a good friend, confronts the issue anyway. I really appreciate how you've shown a friend doing what needs to be done by pointing out Danny's toxic traits and giving the warning signals. Through a short narrative aimed at a teen audience, this piece serves to be an eye-opener or a means of raising awareness to unhealthy relationships, boundary issues, etc. I love it when a piece is both an engaging work of fiction and also slides some important messages in there.

The short story ends with this feeling of tension, as we do not see the outcome or how everyone reacts or what effect the results have on the friend group. Again, this makes me wonder if there is more to this story. You also do not explicitly show whether you as the omniscient narrator agree with Alex's or Ochi's argument. I kind of like this, because it leaves room for the reader to ponder and come to their own conclusions. However, I think that more context would show us who is ultimately right in the situation that takes place here. Maybe Danny is not actually toxic like Alex says, but perhaps Alex is just jealous and therefore he is using therapy-speak to guilt Ochi into leaving Danny. Then again, maybe it is like I said earlier and Alex is being the faithful friend who points out the danger signs to one of the members of his friend group. I'd like to see more of this story so we can see the bigger picture.

My last comments would be concerning grammar and such. I'd just suggest making sure your punctuation, sentence breaks, and paragraph breaks are accurate/correct/consistent. It may seem to be a little thing, but consistency and correctness in punctuation can go a long way in conveying your intended meaning and emphasis. Also, you may consider trying to stick to either italics or bold font, but probably not some here and the other there. Again, this is basically just for the sake of consistency, as well as for a cleaner look, and maybe clearer intent. (It can almost seem like italics mean one kind of emotion and bold means another kind. Maybe that's what you're going for; just make sure it's consistent.)

Well, that's all for this review. Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work!

➥First impressions💗: Honestly captivating as heck. I always tend to stray from heavy dialogue-coded pieces, but you manage to catch my attention without action being involved!! Very nice! Loved how you bolded the words! I do that whenever my character is emphasizing their points, or ideas, or even when they're angry! So, I see am not the only one who does that in novels- not sure if it's a common thing or not to be honest.

➥What’s the tea: I loved how you could feel the emotion in Alex’s tone, again without any action to back it up, his tone of concern about Ochi’s relationship implies he’s a good friend trying to look out for Ochi, but do I sense a bit of jealousy 👀? Why is he that fixated on Ochi and Daniel? I do, however, understand, that Ochi does seem rather obsessive with Daniel, while it seems Daniel is a bit too dependent, so I wonder what’s the tea behind them? ☕️ 🫖wanna see more of that!

➥TIPS📝🔍:

I’d work on enhancing the clarity, coherence and emotional depth of the dialogues. Maybe instead of
Ochi: "What he is doing, Alex is expressing his needs, and as a good boyfriend I should care about them! I’m not going to dismiss them and treat him like they don’t matter” you can say: “He’s expressing his needs, Alex. As his partner, I have to consider them." I feel like it’s a lot more clear and less winded.

➥Show don’t tell me: I know this is dialogue heavy but adding movement afterwards can help to enhance a sense of realism (e.g.) "He’s expressing his needs, Alex. As his partner, I have to consider them." he crossed his arms a strong glare upon his face." Show don’t tell! Is basically what am saying, express the words through actions, it’s a lot more engaging than just saying “he’s pissed off this time” you know?

Final say💗🙌🏽: I enjoyed your short piece and I hope my small little tips help in any way!! Hope to see more of these characters or others ya got cooking up! By any chance do you have Wattpad, or do you primarily write here? (^·^)

|TOPAWG|

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a lovely little scene. That title works really well there to describe it I think. Quite a powerful little display of emotions and you can see how these conflicting opinions about people trying to do right thing just rips things apart there and you can tell it was quite a strong relationship too that this happened to.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Alex, entering the room with haste, "hey.. can we talk real quick about Daniel?'

Ochi, turning away to leave, “No, not if you’re gonna talk about him like Esh’r did-“

"I want to know why.. why doesn't he want you to sing on stage like you used to?

"Because, Alex, he feels distant, he was part of the band too y'know? And right now.. it'll work for the best if I'm on the ground with him.."

"Dude, it's not just the band though, he's asking you to stop being around us in general!"

"That's for me and him to deal with later, not you and I. He worries for me, he's sweet that way~," Ochi pauses, "..he doesn't want us to drift away like before, and he doesn't want me to feel left out of LOVE."

"Doesn't want you to feel left out of the band are you hearing yourself?! Is this how you're trying to justify his behavior? Ochi! He is trying to cut you off from support!"

"What he is doing, Alex, is expressing his needs, and as a good boyfriend I should care about them! I'm not going to dismiss them and treat him like they don't matter!"

Alex stepping closer to Ochi, "..please man, why can’t you see what we see? He cries when you leave him every time, he pulls you away any moment he can, and his hunger grows daily. He constantly wants you near him like a dog on a leash! Don’t you see the problem with that?! I'm worried for you!"

Ochi, pushing Alex softly but firmly, "He needs me, and he was there for me, when I was going through some of my darkest days that man cared for me! ..I can't just let him go Alex, so tell everyone else to keep their shit to themselves."

Alex recoiled in fear, "Ochi.."

"Don't you dare say another word against my Danny!"

Hello, Ley here to leave a review on this awesome work of yours! I will be using my own review method today: Ley's Potato Chips Version! I'm trying out this review method in attempt to leave more enjoyable reviews. Let's get started and cut these potatoes, shall we? :3

"..please man, why can’t you see what we see? He cries when you leave him every time, he pulls you away any moment he can, and his hunger grows daily. He constantly wants you near him like a dog on a leash! Don’t you see the problem with that?! I'm worried for you!"

Just wanted to play around with a scene for some characters of mine :p
Some background info:
-LOVE is the name of the band Alex, Ochi, and Esh'r are in
-Ochi and Daniel are bf's and used to be in a different band