z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Even Great Kings Die

by Hopkin


Laying amidst the dead and fires that lite the field which all the good had been destroyed. Lifetimes gone in a single night, lay around the king, the king of all. This great king is now dying from the loss of blood.

“Take this, a-and run for the lives that are yet still living!” The king held it out with his bloody withered hand. The boy with his shaking hands took it, hesitant he stared at the king his once innocent eyes now stained with the sight of death. The king then yelled the best he could, “R-RUN!” The boy then darted to the shadows disappearing from the flame’s sight.

The king closed his eyes, relieved that which would bring danger to all if it fell into the wrong hands, was now far from the evil claws.

“What's this? The mighty king still lives...among his dead?” The king opened his eyes looking around, he heard a ghastly chuckle. “Pity, you should have been the first to fall...but I guess seeing all your people dead because of your folly...that's more painful than having to have died...” Out from the darkness stepped the cruelest of living creatures. No name could be made for a monster as this creature was. Though he calls himself a man of flesh and bone, a man that said he was to be the greatest of kings, he still wore the face of a beast. Before becoming the greatest of kings, he knew he must first bring all them down which, meant this king that lay helpless dying he would need to dispose of.

The creature that called himself a man, looked about the king. “Shame, I wanted to fight you fairly, but...that won't really happen right now will it?” The demented creature unsheathed his weapon, the dark metal glistened from the light of the fires round about them. “Check met I guess.” At that the inhuman man thrust his weapon through the king's heart then ripped it back out. “Now I know that great king's don't die straight away after being stabbed straight through the heart.” He leaned down, “So hear this, don't worry I'll find that little boy...” He smirked, or what seemed like a smirk to the dying king. “You better use whatever strength you have left, and pray I don't find him so quickly, because when I do I won't show him the same kindness that I have just shown you...” He then whispered, “And you know that I will find him...”

I wrote this in 2013, and I thought, "Hey this is pretty awesome." So yup! Let me know what you think of it so far. Yes I know I'm not the best grammatical person alive, forgive for that. 

Hope you enjoyed! thanks! Let me know if you'd want to read more.  

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
524 Reviews

Points: 7146
Reviews: 524

Donate
Fri Jul 08, 2016 6:02 am
View Likes
felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

Laying amidst the dead and fires that lite the field which all the good had been destroyed. Lifetimes gone in a single night, lay around the king, the king of all. This great king is now dying from the loss of blood.
this sentence is a bit jerky if you know what I mean. Maybe reword it like this
Laying amidst the dead and fires that lit the field. A field in which all good had been destroyed. Lifetimes gone in a single night, lay around the king, the king of all. This great king was now dying from loss of blood.
Just a simple suggestion. :D

“Take this, a-and run for the lives that are yet still living!”
this sentence just felt a little awkward to read. I have two suggestions for it. :D
“Take this, a-and run for the lives of those who are still alive!”
or
“Take this, a-and run for the lives are still living!”


The boy with his shaking hands took it, hesitant he stared at the king his once innocent eyes now stained with the sight of death.
This was also a bit awkward to read. Maybe change it to this
The boy with his shaking hands took it, hesitant as he stared at the king with his once innocent eyes, now stained with the sight of death.


Before becoming the greatest of kings, he knew he must first bring all them down which, meant this king that lay helpless dying he would need to dispose of.
This also just needs a few adjustments.
Before becoming the greatest of kings, he knew he must first bring all them down. This meant that this king that lay helpless dying would need to by disposed of.


“Check met I guess.”
"met" should be "mate" and should have a dash between "Check" and "mate". :D

Overall thoughts

I thought this was a very interesting story and held my attention really easily. This would make a great prologue to a novel since it left a lot of things unanswered, but was still very interesting.
Your characters, even though there was only a short amount of time to get to know them, felt very realistic. You proved a great deal of emotion in the dialogue and the antagonist's dialogue felt very threatening. :D
Your description was also great, though there was room for a bit more here and there. You provided enough to make a clear picture in my of what was going one around the characters though. :D

Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D



Random avatar
Hopkin says...


WOW! You're super helpful! Thanks so much for taking the time to help me!



User avatar
98 Reviews

Points: 133
Reviews: 98

Donate
Fri Jul 08, 2016 2:08 am
yizhongt wrote a review...



Hey there, yizhongt here to leave a quick review. You have an interesting story here. I really want to know what happens to the young boy and also who the demented figure is. Your descriptions are really well written. It allows the reader to fully imagine the world you have written about. As for the flow of the story, I felt that it flowed well. It was not too fast nor too slow.

Now there was one part of the story which I had to reread quite a number of time. It's this one:

(Though he calls himself a man of flesh and bone, a man that said he was to be the greatest of kings, he still wore the face of a beast. Before becoming the greatest of kings, he knew he must first bring all them down which, meant this king that lay helpless dying he would need to dispose of.)

Now I personally suggest you break up the sentences. There's too many things going on in one sentence. Break it up to make it easier for the reader to read.

Now there was one spelling error I came across. It's just a minor one. You spelt met instead of mate when you wrote checkmate.

All in all I enjoyed this piece of work. Will there be more? Would love to see what happens to the boy. Keep at it and keep writing!



Random avatar
Hopkin says...


Oh my gosh! Thanks so much! that was really fantastic advice! Getting to that straight away, thanks so much for your help! I really appreciate it.




I love her dearly, but I can’t live with her for a day without feeling my whole life is wasting away.
— Miss Kenton, The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro