Published January 13, 2009
Prologue:
Beginning a story has never been my strong point.
I have always gotten ahead of myself, to the exciting stuff you know? Ever since I was a little girl and my peers thought it was a hilarious concept to call me Lillian Mosquito, and my parents were a cute New Yorkian couple.
And I bet your wondering why I'm not getting to the actual story? Wondering why you should bother reading my story? Well, I can't give you a concrete reason, but I can tell you that you might be happy you did. And now here I am, trying to start this story again, well I guess there really isn't another place to start than, the beginning.
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Okay ...
i know that you are trying to make the reader understand more about Lilian but it woudl be better if you give a short descirption maybe tell the reader a certain scene like Lilian being bullied and transfer the concept to her mind that she is thinking that she needs revenge and how she might do it will be a suspense and will let the reader read more of what you are saying.
That could be a good beginning. Just write a small part then leave it instead of saying that you cannot write a good beginning and simply let that left behind.
Anotehr thing that could help here is a small characer description for Lilian like she has red hair and blue eyes that is why people make fun of her.
well taht is all i have to say
You jump around here. hint to why they would call her lillian mosquito. and then talk about her parents.
Don't start with 'and' you did that twice. it's a conjunction so it combines two sentences, not the starting of a sentence. no comma before 'the biginning' maybe an elipse could work there?
You are trying to seem mysterious and say that there is actually a story after this. But I'm not really getting the feeling from it. You're too vage. Try to go into a bit more detail to make the reader actually interested in what you are trying to say, otherwise, they will lose interest.
Hope I helped. XD
Hi! Well, there really isn't much here to review so sorry if this is pretty short.
The first sentence didn't flow very well to me, though I got what you saying in it. Putting the words I bolded in would help it, but that's just me so yeah^^. As for the second one, it was really long and a bit confusing. It kinda seemed random to me-- you went from talking about getting ahead of yourself to your childhood nickname. It would make more sense to me if you went more into your inability to build up a story. If you want to keep it though, try shortening it down a bit were I suggested and, if I were you, I'd take that whole parents part out. It just doesn't seem to fit that well unless you're willing to go in and explain it a bit more.
And that's about it. The second paragraph seemed pretty good to me^^ All in all, I liked this and I'm interested to see where it's going. PM if you have any questions or if there's more please :3