A ghost of my past haunts my dreams
Shallow breathing, Shaking hands
A whisper in the shadows of my mind.
It doesn't want to let me forget,
but i Will Prevail!! I Will Forget!!
I lie awake at night, thinking of my ghost
I know i am forgiven, yet i just can't seem to let it go.
So, for now I'll say goodbye to my fretful ghost
And sink into a peaceful slumber
where nothing can touch me
and i Will Not Fail.
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Canary word: Present
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Hopeful_Youth has posted an edited version of this poem (to all: please refrain from doing so!) in a new thread. Please see that thread if you would like to write a review.
Yes, that helps alot, thankyou. :]
I guess i didn't make the transition very clear...but the point of why i went from worrying about the ghost of the past to going to sleep is because sometimes that's how people deal with their problems. They push them away for now, go to sleep and momentarily forget about it...i guess i didn't make it very clear but i could re-work it and see how it comes out.
Thanks for all the editing tips, but i kind've thought the punctuation added to the mean...how it's more like seperate lines, or thoughts rather, that come to me, and i put them together and they form a poem. it's also how the problem comes back and leaves, along with the punctuation, but i guess i should make all these points clear.
anyway, thanks for all the tips!
-[Megan]-
Hello and welcome, Hopeful_Youth!
This is a good poem; I can tell that it has a deep personal meaning to you. There are a few technical problems though.
There's some wonky capitalization going on here. Also, you should probably use only one exclamation mark after each sentence. How about, "But I will prevail! I will forget!"?
Capitalize your Is. It looks sloppy if you don't.
Unless you have a special reason for capitalizing these words, this would be much better changed to "and I will not fail."
One more thing: Sometimes, when the beginning of a new line is not the beginning of a new sentence, you capitalize the first word in the line, and sometimes you don't. For example, your line "And sink into a peaceful slumber" is capitalized, while the line "where nothing can touch me" isn't. It should be all one way or all the other.
Okay, that's all I saw for the technical stuff. It would make the poem much better already if you just fixed all of that.
The only thing that really bothered me about what the poem was actually saying, was here:
This is an awfully quick transition from worrying about the ghost to letting go of it. The reader doesn't get to see how the speaker resolves the problem of being haunted by a ghost from the past; the problem is just gone suddenly. I think it would be a lot better if we got to see how the speaker of the poem made peace with their past.
Thanks for sharing this poem; I enjoyed reading it. Hope my review was helpful to you.