Young Writers Society

Your story is absolutely intriguing.
These are some of the things I noticed and they are also the best parts of the story.

'Hides whole body froze as her brain went into shock, all Hide could do was think of what Huyu said over and over. "We are in the afterlife......Afterlife...." Hide said slowly as she looked at the blue light. "Then this must be a spirit?" Hide asked as she waved her hand through it. "Most likely we will turn into one of those soon....." Huyu's cold voice spoke as he sat down, Hide again froze up as she looked at the blue light which shined brilliantly'

'After hours of walking, the two got no where, the same blue light they left behind fallowed them as if curious about what they where up to. Hide was getting tired and couldn't keep going much longer, the man slowly helped her down as she sat breathing heavy and resting, the man how ever seemed fine and ready to run a 3 mile marathon'

The ending really got to me. I was like crying. But this is an amazing piece. Keep writing.

Talk about plot twist. I was wondering where they were and Afterlife was not what I was expecting.

I really enjoyed the story and direction you took it in. As for grammatically errors, I saw you use "Your" instead of "You're" and "Fallowing" instead of "Following" but that is about it.
I would suggest separating it into paragraphs when the topics changes or when someone speaks. It is much easier to read and digest that way. Also, you tend to say the characters' name every time they are the subject. You should use "he" and "she" more often because there is only one boy and one girl so we would know who is performing the action.

Lastly, you use the word "as" a lot. A good way to get rid of that is to get rid of the pronoun, add a comma, and just change the verb to present tense. Here is an example, "Hide yelled as she grabbed her hand with her free one..."
Here is what you could have done, "Hide yelled, grabbing her hand with her free one..."
This doesn't change anything but it makes it less repetitive.

Well done, until next time, bye! -Angry Noodles

Hey, Hope!

I must say, that your story was very unique and intriguing, it was a pleasure to read! You should be very proud of your writing piece, my friend!

PLOT: Until the very end, the readers were under the impression that Hide and Huyu had entered some sort of fantasy world of water and light. But, once revealed that they were in fact in the afterlife was a rather interesting plot twist.

P.O.V. The point of view was very appropriate, a good choice on your part. However, in some areas it felt as though you were transitioning from third person to first person. To create more clarity in your writing, I suggest that you indicate Hide's thoughts by using italic or bold font, that way there will be less confusion.

PACE: It was a bit on the smooth side, and in some areas it felt a tad rushed. When there is a certain amount of time that has passed, indicate it in bold writing, so that your readers know when a couple of hours pass and the characters are wandering.

DESCRIPTION: This is one area that your writing was lacking. Although your description of characters is to be commended as it was easy to imagine Hide and Huyu, your setting description was almost non existent. Part of the fantasy/adventure genre is to provide detailed information about the world the characters are in during the course of the story.
If this is the world of the afterlife, what does it look like? Is there a sky, what colour is it? What does the ground look like, or is it surrounded by water alone? What do the blue light spirits look like, are they like orbs or real people? What does the air smell like? Is it cold or hot? Give more detail about this world and describe it to your readers as though you have been there before.

CHARACTERS: Your characters had a lot of potential. Hide and Huyu were quite likeable. However, give more specific details about their personalities, so that readers can relate to them in some way or become attached to them before the story ends. Allow for your readers to get to know your characters.

DIALOG: The dialog did not seem to contain enough emotion to create believeable characters with depth. It was almost emotionless, until Hide became excitable after Huyu remembered about how he got there. That was the one piece of believeable emotion in the dialog.
To create realistic and believeable dialog, use descriptions of what actions the characters are taking during speech and what they're facial expressions are. Revealing the emotions in the characters during the dialog will make it more believeable.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING: There was one problem that was immediately noticeable about your story: it was written in one giant chunk. There were no paragraphs and the dialog was not separated from the paragraphs. To create a more organized story, separate paragraphs where it is needed and when a character is to speak, skip a line and continue to do so, so that it's neat and tidy.
There were a few grammar and spelling errors, so I will list them below so that you can go back and correct them when you have the time.

~"A warm, blue light suddenly immerged..." Immerged is spelt: "emerged"
~"...he reached a hand out to her as if to help her up." This sentence felt a bit awkward and choppy. Perhaps rephrase to: "...he reached his hand out to her, as a support to help her."
~"Hide looked around herself confused as to why the water was suddenly solid but still liquid." Get rid of "herself". Rephrase the end of the sentence, slightly, to: "why the water became solid, though it still appeared to be liquid."
~"The man spoke softly to Hide, as he kneeled down to be level with her..." Rephrase: "The man spoke softly to her, as he kneeled down to her level." The readers know who he is speaking to.
~"The man wore a calm expression as he gently placed and hand on her shoulder..." Consider rephrasing to something like: "The man had a calm expression on his face, as he gently placed his hand on her shoulder."
~"Hide wanted to stand up but her legs where to weak..." Change "where" to "were" and "to" to "too"
~"The man said happily as he stood up, he offered his hand to Hide once again, she took his big hand..." It seems a bit awkward. Rephrase: "The man said, happily, as he stood up. He offered his hand to Hide once again, she placed her small hand in his larger hand." Indicates the size of both of their hands.
~"...the same blue light they left behind fallowed them..."- "Followed"
~"...the man how ever seemed fine..." How ever is one word- however.
~" "What did you remember?!?" Hide asked excited, maybe he knew a way out now?" It's not a good idea to impose a question after Hide has spoken. Either place the question in Hide's dialog or rephrase to: "Perhaps he knew a way out of this place."
~"As I inspected there equipment I noticed that there gear was shady and not very safe to use..." "There' should be "their", you may have confused the two. Also, this sentence has too many commas, separate into two sentences.
~"The blue light was fallowing them sat in front of the two, its brilliant light shined illuminating the area for the 2, the light looked like water droplets rising up, Hide reached her hand to the light but her hand only went through it, oddly enough when Hide's hand went through it was a very cold feeling." This is way too big a sentence and has far too many commas. Also there are a few grammar and spelling errors. I'll correct and separate the sentence to show you how it should be constructed.
"The blue light was still following them (you have already indicated that it was following them before) and when it came close enough, it landed in front of them. Its brilliant light shined and illuminated the area around them. The light looked like small water droplets rising. (No need to indicate "up" as rise means the same thing) Hide reached out her hand to touch the light, but it went straight through it. Oddly enough, when Hide's hand went through the light, it felt very cold."
~"Huyu asked as he slowly faded away, Hide fell down splashing in the water, she slowly sat up, watching the light of Huyu float off into the darkness, before long she was all alone." Too many commas, once you go over the amount of three commas in one sentence, it's too long a sentence. Rephrase and separate: "Huyu asked as he slowly faded away. Hide let go of him, falling and splashing in the water below. She slowly sat up, watching the light of Hugu float off into the darkness. Before long, she was all alone."

I suggest that you thoroughly reread and edit your work before you publish it. That way, it's error-free and it be more neat, tidy and organized.

I have to admit it was a bit of a sad ending really. Hide is trapped, alone and has no idea of how to escape. You left the readers with the feeling that there is no hope for Hide. But it was a good ending nonetheless.

Despite what you may need to consider working on and correcting, this story has a lot of potential and you have a lot of potential also, Hope.
I hope that you will continue to write more stories and develop your style as a writer! I look forward to reading more of your works!


MissLyricz x

P.S. If you need any advice or help, leave me a private message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.