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E - Everyone

Lost

by HopeRobinson


"It's......Warm......" Hide thought to herself as warm water softly sloshed on her body, she gently floated in the water as she slowly opened her golden eyes, it was dark and the only sound Hide could hear was the soft gentle bellows of the water. A warm blue light suddenly immerged slicing through the darkness like butter, Hide tilted her weak head towards the light source and saw a man with white hair standing before her, he reached a hand out to her as if to help her up. Hide weakly held her small hand up to the mans bigger hand as he took it and pulled her up to a sitting position, Hide slowly placed her free hand onto the water which suddenly hit a solid, Hide looked around herself confused as to why the water was suddenly solid but still liquid. "Are you lost?" The man spoke softly to Hide as he kneeled down to be level with her, she stared at the man before she hid her face behind her knees which she drew to her chest. "I....I don't know where I am or how I got here." Hide confessed nervously as she looked around, she looked down at her white and orange dress which defied logic and was perfectly dry. The man wore a calm expression as he gently placed and hand on her shoulder, she felt calmer when he did so. "Don't worry young mistress, all is safe and sound here." The man spoke with a soft tone, Hide was confused as to why he referred to her as 'mistress' but she felt better that nothing was going to hurt her yet. "Um....Where am I?" Hide asked as she looked up to the man as he stood up, "Well, not even I know that answer young mistress." The man replied, Hide slumped a little as she looked at her reflection in the water. Her short brown hair was a mess, but her bangs some how stayed in good condition. Hide wanted to stand up but her legs where to weak for her to try, the man seemed to notice she was conflicted as he slowly took off his heavy black coat and wrapped it around Hide, he had on a White button up shirt and a black tie with black pants with black dress up shoes. Hide gripped the coat and pulled it tighter around her as she snuggled up warming her cold body, the man stood up again. Hide wondered why he was standing and looking off into the black abyss. "What are you looking at?" Hide asked the man, he turned towards her and smiled, "I am searching for something, but I can not see into the darkness." The man replied as he sighed with sadness before he wiped the look off his face and smiled again, he kneeled down in front of Hide again. "Do you remember what happened before you came here?" The man asked as he looked into Hides eyes as if he was looking into her soul for lies. "N-no I do not.....I'm sorry." Hide replied as she looked at the water with a disappointed look, "Don't worry, it is common for most who end up here to not remember. I argue it is better than knowing why you are here." The man replied as he frowned at his own words. "B-but what if I have a family that cares for me, or a significant other? I must remember and get back to them!" Hide exclaimed as she thought about what she was doing before she got here, she couldn't remember at all. Hide rubbed her temples as she racked her brain for the answers but none came, suddenly the man placed both his hands on her shoulders, she looked up to the man who smiled warmly at her. "If that is how you feel, lets try to get out of her together!" The man said happily as he stood up, he offered his hand to Hide once again, she took his big hand and was slowly pulled up as soon as she was all the way up Hide stumbled with weak legs but the man caught her, she used the mans chest as a support as the two walked forward...After hours of walking, the two got no where, the same blue light they left behind fallowed them as if curious about what they where up to. Hide was getting tired and couldn't keep going much longer, the man slowly helped her down as she sat breathing heavy and resting, the man how ever seemed fine and ready to run a 3 mile marathon. "I...im sorry for slowing you down so much...." Hide said meekly as she looked at the water which rippled lightly as the mans knee touched the water, "No need to worry, we are in this together right?" Hide looked up and smiled at him, "What is your name?" Hide asked curiously, she forgot to ask before. "My name? Huyu, it means winter, and yours?" The man asked after stating his name. "My name is Hide....It means fame or something along those lines, I forgot." Hide said with a blush embarrassed that she forgot the meaning of her own name. Huyu laughed as he helped Hide back up and the two began trekking on again for 3 more hours.....Exhausted Hide sat down again, she panted heavily and yet again Huyu was standing and ready to go with no exhaustion. Hide was curious as to why Huyu could support her and not get even a little tired, Hide slowly regained her energy and was ready to continue. "I remembered something." Huyu said out loud as he looked at Hide, she looked at Huyu with astonishment. "What did you remember?!?" Hide asked excited, maybe he knew a way out now? "I was at a construction site, I was the inspector. As I inspected there equipment I noticed that there gear was shady and not very safe for use, I noted it on my clipboard but I was suddenly struck on the back of the head by one of the workers probably, that is all I know, and now I am here." Huyu said as he sat down next to Hide. The blue light that was fallowing them sat in front of the two, its brilliant light shined illuminating the area for the 2, the light looked like water droplets rising up, Hide reached her hand to the light but her hand only went through it, oddly enough when Hide's hand went through it was a very cold feeling. Hide reeled her hand back scared of the sudden cold, "The light is cold!" Hide yelled as she grabbed her hand with her free one looking at her hand, nothing was wrong with it. "Huyu slowly stuck his hand into the light and noticed it was cold as well, the two played around with the light trying to figure it out for an hour or so before Huyu stood up. "I think I know why we are here..." Huyu's voice sounded monotone and low, Hide looked up a little scared of Huyu's sudden tone. "W-whats wrong?" Hide asked nervously as Huyu looked at Hide slowly. "This is the afterlife." Huyu said bluntly, Hides whole body froze as her brain went into shock, all Hide could do was think of what Huyu said over and over. "We are in the afterlife......Afterlife...." Hide said slowly as she looked at the blue light. "Then this must be a spirit?" Hide asked as she waved her hand through it. "Most likely we will turn into one of those soon....." Huyu's cold voice spoke as he sat down, Hide again froze up as she looked at the blue light which shined brilliantly. The two sat for hours pondering of what Huyu said, Hide suddenly noticed Huyu was oddly transparent, she slowly crawled over to Huyu and wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled her self close to him resting her head on his shoulder. "Don't leave me alone....Your the only friend I have. "Hide spoke softly as a tear crawled down her cheek, Huyu wrapped his arms around her back. "I'm sorry, I don't know a way to stay..." Huyu's voice trembled as he slowly became more and more transparent. "Promise me Hide, you will find a way out of here and then you will find me again." Huyu asked as he slowly faded away, Hide fell down splashing in the water, she slowly sat up watching the light of Huyu float off into the darkness, before long she was all alone......


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25 Reviews


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Fri Jan 08, 2016 1:04 am
maverymadams wrote a review...



Your story is absolutely intriguing.
These are some of the things I noticed and they are also the best parts of the story.

'Hides whole body froze as her brain went into shock, all Hide could do was think of what Huyu said over and over. "We are in the afterlife......Afterlife...." Hide said slowly as she looked at the blue light. "Then this must be a spirit?" Hide asked as she waved her hand through it. "Most likely we will turn into one of those soon....." Huyu's cold voice spoke as he sat down, Hide again froze up as she looked at the blue light which shined brilliantly'

'After hours of walking, the two got no where, the same blue light they left behind fallowed them as if curious about what they where up to. Hide was getting tired and couldn't keep going much longer, the man slowly helped her down as she sat breathing heavy and resting, the man how ever seemed fine and ready to run a 3 mile marathon'

The ending really got to me. I was like crying. But this is an amazing piece. Keep writing.




HopeRobinson says...


Thank you, but this is not the end for Hide :)



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Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:19 pm
Angrynoodles wrote a review...



Talk about plot twist. I was wondering where they were and Afterlife was not what I was expecting.

I really enjoyed the story and direction you took it in. As for grammatically errors, I saw you use "Your" instead of "You're" and "Fallowing" instead of "Following" but that is about it.
I would suggest separating it into paragraphs when the topics changes or when someone speaks. It is much easier to read and digest that way. Also, you tend to say the characters' name every time they are the subject. You should use "he" and "she" more often because there is only one boy and one girl so we would know who is performing the action.

Lastly, you use the word "as" a lot. A good way to get rid of that is to get rid of the pronoun, add a comma, and just change the verb to present tense. Here is an example, "Hide yelled as she grabbed her hand with her free one..."
Here is what you could have done, "Hide yelled, grabbing her hand with her free one..."
This doesn't change anything but it makes it less repetitive.

Well done, until next time, bye! -Angry Noodles




HopeRobinson says...


Thank you very much, I will take your info into consideration and better my skills :D



Angrynoodles says...


You're welcome. Sorry, my reply had some spelling errors that I didn't notice.



HopeRobinson says...


It's fine haha, to bad I can't post another story yet. I have to review first and I am bad at that DX



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Sun Dec 20, 2015 8:47 am
MissLyricz wrote a review...



Hey, Hope!

I must say, that your story was very unique and intriguing, it was a pleasure to read! You should be very proud of your writing piece, my friend! :D

PLOT: Until the very end, the readers were under the impression that Hide and Huyu had entered some sort of fantasy world of water and light. But, once revealed that they were in fact in the afterlife was a rather interesting plot twist.

P.O.V. The point of view was very appropriate, a good choice on your part. However, in some areas it felt as though you were transitioning from third person to first person. To create more clarity in your writing, I suggest that you indicate Hide's thoughts by using italic or bold font, that way there will be less confusion.

PACE: It was a bit on the smooth side, and in some areas it felt a tad rushed. When there is a certain amount of time that has passed, indicate it in bold writing, so that your readers know when a couple of hours pass and the characters are wandering.

DESCRIPTION: This is one area that your writing was lacking. Although your description of characters is to be commended as it was easy to imagine Hide and Huyu, your setting description was almost non existent. Part of the fantasy/adventure genre is to provide detailed information about the world the characters are in during the course of the story.
If this is the world of the afterlife, what does it look like? Is there a sky, what colour is it? What does the ground look like, or is it surrounded by water alone? What do the blue light spirits look like, are they like orbs or real people? What does the air smell like? Is it cold or hot? Give more detail about this world and describe it to your readers as though you have been there before.

CHARACTERS: Your characters had a lot of potential. Hide and Huyu were quite likeable. However, give more specific details about their personalities, so that readers can relate to them in some way or become attached to them before the story ends. Allow for your readers to get to know your characters.

DIALOG: The dialog did not seem to contain enough emotion to create believeable characters with depth. It was almost emotionless, until Hide became excitable after Huyu remembered about how he got there. That was the one piece of believeable emotion in the dialog.
To create realistic and believeable dialog, use descriptions of what actions the characters are taking during speech and what they're facial expressions are. Revealing the emotions in the characters during the dialog will make it more believeable.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING: There was one problem that was immediately noticeable about your story: it was written in one giant chunk. There were no paragraphs and the dialog was not separated from the paragraphs. To create a more organized story, separate paragraphs where it is needed and when a character is to speak, skip a line and continue to do so, so that it's neat and tidy.
There were a few grammar and spelling errors, so I will list them below so that you can go back and correct them when you have the time.

~"A warm, blue light suddenly immerged..." Immerged is spelt: "emerged"
~"...he reached a hand out to her as if to help her up." This sentence felt a bit awkward and choppy. Perhaps rephrase to: "...he reached his hand out to her, as a support to help her."
~"Hide looked around herself confused as to why the water was suddenly solid but still liquid." Get rid of "herself". Rephrase the end of the sentence, slightly, to: "why the water became solid, though it still appeared to be liquid."
~"The man spoke softly to Hide, as he kneeled down to be level with her..." Rephrase: "The man spoke softly to her, as he kneeled down to her level." The readers know who he is speaking to.
~"The man wore a calm expression as he gently placed and hand on her shoulder..." Consider rephrasing to something like: "The man had a calm expression on his face, as he gently placed his hand on her shoulder."
~"Hide wanted to stand up but her legs where to weak..." Change "where" to "were" and "to" to "too"
~"The man said happily as he stood up, he offered his hand to Hide once again, she took his big hand..." It seems a bit awkward. Rephrase: "The man said, happily, as he stood up. He offered his hand to Hide once again, she placed her small hand in his larger hand." Indicates the size of both of their hands.
~"...the same blue light they left behind fallowed them..."- "Followed"
~"...the man how ever seemed fine..." How ever is one word- however.
~" "What did you remember?!?" Hide asked excited, maybe he knew a way out now?" It's not a good idea to impose a question after Hide has spoken. Either place the question in Hide's dialog or rephrase to: "Perhaps he knew a way out of this place."
~"As I inspected there equipment I noticed that there gear was shady and not very safe to use..." "There' should be "their", you may have confused the two. Also, this sentence has too many commas, separate into two sentences.
~"The blue light was fallowing them sat in front of the two, its brilliant light shined illuminating the area for the 2, the light looked like water droplets rising up, Hide reached her hand to the light but her hand only went through it, oddly enough when Hide's hand went through it was a very cold feeling." This is way too big a sentence and has far too many commas. Also there are a few grammar and spelling errors. I'll correct and separate the sentence to show you how it should be constructed.
"The blue light was still following them (you have already indicated that it was following them before) and when it came close enough, it landed in front of them. Its brilliant light shined and illuminated the area around them. The light looked like small water droplets rising. (No need to indicate "up" as rise means the same thing) Hide reached out her hand to touch the light, but it went straight through it. Oddly enough, when Hide's hand went through the light, it felt very cold."
~"Huyu asked as he slowly faded away, Hide fell down splashing in the water, she slowly sat up, watching the light of Huyu float off into the darkness, before long she was all alone." Too many commas, once you go over the amount of three commas in one sentence, it's too long a sentence. Rephrase and separate: "Huyu asked as he slowly faded away. Hide let go of him, falling and splashing in the water below. She slowly sat up, watching the light of Hugu float off into the darkness. Before long, she was all alone."

I suggest that you thoroughly reread and edit your work before you publish it. That way, it's error-free and it be more neat, tidy and organized.

I have to admit it was a bit of a sad ending really. Hide is trapped, alone and has no idea of how to escape. You left the readers with the feeling that there is no hope for Hide. But it was a good ending nonetheless.

Despite what you may need to consider working on and correcting, this story has a lot of potential and you have a lot of potential also, Hope. ;)
I hope that you will continue to write more stories and develop your style as a writer! I look forward to reading more of your works!


MissLyricz x

P.S. If you need any advice or help, leave me a private message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.




HopeRobinson says...


Thank for your feed back, I shall go through it and work anything I need to :)



HopeRobinson says...


Also, don't worry about Hide haha. I plan to continue it for practice.



MissLyricz says...


No problem! :D
Aw awesome! Look forward to your future stories! Do let me know when you've finished it, I would love to read it! x




The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle