Published January 5, 2011
"How do you document real life
When real life is getting more
Like fiction each day'
-From Rent the musical
We watched them bob and weave
The shadows dance beneath the door
The car doors slam and the driveway heave
The silence carrying whimpers of "no more".
We heard every bone crack
The thudding of a body on the ground
The persistence of attack
The defenceless body making no sound.
We smelled the stench of her blood
The wreak of a night of terror
The under-carpet dragging of mud
The aftermath of our own earth's tremor.
We felt the pressing of escaping liquid
The running warm wet down our thighs
The shaking bodies small and morbid
The pressure of air breathed only in sighs.
We tasted the morning after
The breakfast in bed on a rattling tray
I'm sorry I'm sorry rather
Than a life of playing broken family- stay?
-Tshepang Molisana
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141,616 Literary Works • 675,164 Reviews
I liked it, but i felt it could be made stronger.
I think you could add more detail to it as I felt my mind and interest wander slightly.
Though the imagery was good I do think things could be edited and maybe a little more length could be added to give it a slight more depth.
Apart from that a good piece of poetry!
Well done!
[quote="HopeLove"
We watched them bob and weave
[/quote]
After weave in the first part I feel like it's missing something right here. I like your form in this a lot. Your detail is good, but some of the words didn't fit right to me like "stench"