Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
Well, this has a lot of potential. It's kinda rough, so let's see what I can do to help with that.
I heard noises from outside my bedroom. My dad was leaving, it was official. I just knew it. I had to make him a special picture. I got out my colors and paper. I drew a picture of me and my dad. On the top, I wrote in big letters I LOVE YOU, DADDY. ALWAYS. Always had been my favorite word at the time of being a nine year old girl. I filled the picture with bright colors and beautiful nature because I knew he loved nature.
Well, this is the first thing I noticed. You need to work on your paragraphing. Remember, a paragraph is an idea. An action. A thought. For instance...
I heard noises from outside my bedroom. My dad was leaving, it was official. I just knew it. I had to make him a special picture.
I got out my colors and paper. I drew a picture of me and my dad. On the top, I wrote in big letters I LOVE YOU, DADDY. ALWAYS. Always had been my favorite word at the time of being a nine year old girl. I filled the picture with bright colors and beautiful nature because I knew he loved nature.
Just having it in one solid block makes it hard to read. This way is easier, and not such a eye sore. Just doing this will help it enormously.
" Thank you, sweetie." He said.
That period needs to be a comma. The one after sweetie. They always need to be. No exception.
Then I retrieved back to my bedroom
Retrieved is a word used for fetching something. I'd suggest Went. Retrieved threw me off, and it didn't make sense.
I took a look in the fridge and then turned around.
Tell us what she's looking for. Is she looking just to look? Or is she looking for something to eat. Also, where's mom?
She isn't mentioned at all. I'm assuming that Dad is leaving after a fight with her. There should be something, like the girl seeing her, or hearing her crying.
I threw the picture harshly back in the trash.
This doesn't seem to be enough of a reaction. I know that this is based off of your experience, but real life, when put on paper, doesn't quite bring the same reaction. You need to exaggerate it, slightly.
Maybe you didn't really tear the paper up, and crumble the pieces into a ball, before throwing it back. But saying that gives us a better image. Helps us see how she is feeling. Don't be afraid to say you did something that you didn't do. This isn't real life. This is something based off of what you experienced.
Well, that's all I can say, except that I love the bit about the stuffed animal. It shows how she is feeling. But, describe it a bit. Talk about it's nose, or little paws. Just a little bit to give us a picture.
And now, all I can say, is the normal,
KEEP WRITING!
Points: 2816
Reviews: 125
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