Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Lady Blanche!” You blink groggily as you open your eyes. Your hand brushes against the silk sheets of the bed you lay in. Silk? You sit up hurriedly, looking down at the strange bed you find yourself in. Rose petals adorn the bed. Candles that were possibly lit the night before trace a path from the door to the place you lie in. Your bed is made of soft material and a stuffed animal lays under the sheets beside you. Along with the young man who lies half naked beside you. Huh?

You cover yourself, your cheeks burning red with embarrassment. “What are you doing in a young lady’s bed?” You say shrilly, grabbing onto the sheets and using them as cover while you retreat away from the bed. However the young man looks as bewildered as you do, looking around frantically at the room he finds himself in. He mutters, “Wasn’t I just in the Library’s Disposal room?”

Disposal room? You open your mouth to ask a question however the same voice that awoke you calls again from the door. This time filled with urgency. “Lady Blanche, hurry! Lady Del Lune is here! You need to hide Prince Trilith!” Too late. The doors slam open, the dark room filling with light…along with a silver haired woman. The young Archduchess narrowed her eyes as she looked at the scene, her tone icy as she glared at the two in bed, “What is the meaning of this Prince?”

Hi again Honja! Atticus here, tackling some more green room works while I can Let's jump right into it!

First of all, a quick note: please mark this as 12+ or 16+ due to sexual content, as there are some sexual implications throughout this work. While that's completely permissible on YWS, we do ask that people give it an appropriate tag so that our younger members aren't exposed to material they may not be comfortable with. You're not in trouble at all, so don't worry, but this helps us keep YWS friendly for all ages.

Moving into the actual content, I thought that second person was an interesting choice for narration here. It was not my favorite -- although it's workable and my discomfort may lay in my lack of familiarity with it as a narrative choice. This article gives an introduction to some tips and tricks for writing in second person; I'd recommend checking it out if you're interested! I will say to be cautious with this, as it's a bit more tricky to master and can have some unintended effects if you're not as familiar as writing with it.

I did notice that you used quite a few adverbs in your writing. This can have the effect of weakening your writing, as it packs a less powerful punch than finding singular verbs or nouns that convey the same message. For instance, here you write:

You sit up hurriedly, looking down at the strange bed you find yourself in.

You shoot upright, looking down at the strange bed you find yourself in