Hi there Honja! I'm Atticus, and I'm stopping by for a quick review to dust off my literary skills after a hiatus. Let's jump right in:
This was a really cute story! I consider myself a hopeless romantic in a sense, so I was intrigued by the title and by the description and was certainly not disappointed. The descriptions of the environment painted a really beautiful picture that was vivid and descriptive without being overbearing or redundant. I also really loved the physical description of Emily, the adjectives used were classical but betrayed the narrator's affection and attraction to her. Finally, your word choice was excellent and kept a consistent tone (that may be the wrong word; I mean the effect generated by using words with similar connotations) throughout the work. Overall very well written!
"You know, too much coffee isn't good for you," a soft voice chimed in from across the table.
In regards to this excerpt, I have two comments:
1) "a soft voice" does not seem like the right way to describe this dialogue, since the reader has already been introduced to this character. I recognize we don't know her name at this point, but something like, "my companion chimed in" or "the woman across the table" feels more natural to me.
2) Something about this as the first interaction doesn't feel quite right to me. I get that it's banter in a sense, and I'm not utterly opposed to that, but it came across as overly critical to me at first. Especially considering their interaction as a whole is very flirtatious, typically people who are flirting with one another will open their dialogue with some sort of compliment. It seems out of character also when one considers that Emily was previously apologetic, so it seems like a comment like this is more bold than she'd perhaps go for.
I was in some way dissatisfied by the ending. It doesn't feel like an ending to me, or even a breaking point. There was no resolution or conclusion that tied together all of the feelings and flirtations that were exchanged earlier. I want to learn more about where their conversation takes them, as it was hinted earlier that they might go somewhere else together. I was bracing for them to leave the coffee shop to watch the sunset together, or to discuss Emily's art or Alex's studies, and instead the story is cut off literally mid-conversation.
It's always a great thing when the biggest critique of your work is "I want more", so I hope you're proud of what you've written! It is a cute piece that brought me a glimmer of happiness, and at the end of the day that's what's important. I hope my thoughts were helpful to you as you revise and/or in future writings! Feel free to reach out via PM if you'd like any clarification on my points or to discuss anything further.
Best,
Atticus
Points: 32196
Reviews: 566
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