The postman breathed heavily, wiping his eyes as he felt fresh blood drip into them. He knew that there was no way to make it out of here alive. All that was left for him in this place was death, so he did the only thing he could do. He adhered to his instincts; right now his instincts were telling him to write perfectly.
He put his pencil to the paper again and began to write ever so slowly so as to avoid any mistake. He had to write it neatly, legibly and it must be perfect beyond a doubt. His sweating palms caused the writing utensil to slip. He slipped off his chair and went into fetal position as he anticipated what he knew was coming, a wail of agony escaping his lips.
Whack! Whack! Whack!
He felt fresh blood begin to pour down his face as the Asian ninja struck him again with his Bo staff and began to scream in his ear.
“You must use proper technique! You must control your pencil, or your pencil will control you! You must feel the Chi flow within you and to your pencil, as if it’s an extension of your arm!”
The postman nodded, tears of pain and grief pouring down his face. Concentrating on his pencil, he tried to feel this Chi stuff flowing from him to it. After trying for about a minute, he decided that Chi wasn’t really his thing.
These guys aren’t ninjas, they’re flipping Jedi!
Mumbling something about Yoda under his breath, he began to concentrate on his pencil once again. They were watching him, though there was only one with a Bo staff. That didn’t matter though; all of them could probably separate both of his legs from his body just by poking him somewhere on the ear. No, escape wasn’t an option. There was only death. He would either die by getting beaten to death, or by overdosing his brain with too much concentration. Both of them seemed possible at that moment.
Suddenly, he was struck by an idea! That was it, maybe he was thinking too hard! It seemed right to the postman, so he began to empty his mind. Finally, after a few moments, he was completely blank of any thoughts, though he made sure to remember why he was emptying his mind in the first place. After all, this postman was no fool.
He closed his eyes and began to write, feeling as the power flowed through him without provocation or concentration. His lips turned up into a smile as he heard the pencil flow on the paper, knowing that perfect words were being formed.
Snap!
Keeping his eyes closed, the postman felt tears as they began to come down from his eyes. The pencil had broken. He began to sob uncontrollably, grief coursing through him like a powerful wave of undesirable stench. He felt an awkward pat on top of his head as one of the ninjas began to speak.
"Erm… It is okay, do not cry! There is an automatic pencil sharpener up the hall and to the left. Remember though, if you do not sharpen the pencil, then the pencil will sharpen you!"
Lifted out of his grief as he was told this glorious news, he jumped up and ran out the door. He was going to sharpen his pencil and then be free! Rushing down the hall, he thought excitedly about the end of his torturous imprisonment. Consequently, he did not see the exit sign that was above a door to his right.
Arriving at the end of the hall, he turned left into a cavern of enormous size. In the middle of the cavern was the automatic sharpener, raised on a platform. All around it was an abyss so deep that Tartarus itself could not fathom the depth. There were knotted ropes hanging from the distant ceiling though, several of them all around the cavern.
Knowing what he had to do, he ran and leaped onto the nearest ropes. Once he was in the full arc of his swing, he leaped to another rope and then to another. After what seemed like an hour of swinging, he finally swung onto the last of the ropes which would swing him onto the sharpener’s platform.
Swinging with all of his might, the postman leaped at what he thought was the top of his arc. Feeling fear as he sailed through the air, he noticed that he would not make it. Frantically, he reached out to the platform with his right hand. He would have done the same with his left, but he was holding the pencil in that hand and did not want to risk losing it. No, that would be very bad.
Relief and adrenalin rushed through him as he felt the edge of the platform and eased himself up. Finally, he would sharpen the pencil and then finish writing the perfect sentence! He pushed his pencil into the sharpener, excitement and jubilation rushing through him.
He had pushed the pencil in too hard. The sharpener flew off of the platform, along with the pencil. Staring at them as they fell, he was only able to process one thing. His eternal confinement in this mad house would never end. There was one thing he could do though, one thing he could control. Would he spend his time with insane ninjas, or with peaceful silence?
He had made up his mind. The postman jumped off of the platform and into the darkness. He fell for years, and is still falling today. That is why, when you go to the eternal pit in the Ninja Headquarters, you will find that pencil sharpener to be missing. That is why no one on 4th Avenue will ever get their mail again.
This is the story of the postman.
**The prompt that I got from the generator was: "A Postman Uses A Pencil At Ninja Headquarters".**
**Edited**
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
**Bump for Edited version.**
Perhaps you could say, he slip off the chair and into a fetal position, because I imagine it to be quite hard to do that in a chair
"He felt fresh blood", perhaps? Or he felt *what* as blood began to pour down his face?
Also, it may just be me, but I didn't like how they were ninjas. *Shrugs*
Haha, I enjoyed this bit
I really don't think a ninja would say "Eerm", but then again, that's just me.
Oh shi - he dropped then pencil. That was pretty funny.
I feel that the ending is quite sudden - It's too abrupt to make full sense of what just happened. I think if you gave a little more depth to at least the last two sentences, add some more stuff etc, etc.
Anyway, this was a great read
And, as always, continue writing.
Adiou, Dex
Thanks for the reviews everyone! When I edit, I'll be sure to refer back to these reviews!
-HP
I'm not entirely sure what to make of this. Is this awesome? Yes, I would say so. Is it cleverly funny because of how its random? I think so.
With this, I dive into the review.
Where's that fresh blood coming from? Also, I admire this postman, who has instincts which indicate he should write perfectly. My instincts usually don't have anything to do with writing.
That was quick move, going from writing to a fetal position. Where is this man positioned, anyway? At a table? On the floor?
Ouch
Bo Staff, thanks.
I'm a little confused by these ninja beliefs (how does a pencil control someone?!), but that might just be me.
No reason? Well, you don't really need one, but I thought I'd ask.
Did you just compare stereotypically Asian ninjas to short, speech-impaired goblin-thing?
Overdosing on concentration? Also, this Postman is a real pessimist, isn't he?
But if he remembers why he's emptying his mind, then his mind isn't empty? If it's the postman's logic, then it's fine.
Wow, he's smiling despite however long he's been their slick with sweat from fear of being beaten by ninjas who are watching his every move for a mistake like a hawk?
Oh,
The ninjas who beat him for making a mistake get soft when he starts crying?
Well, then, he deserves everything he gets if he doesn't see the convenient exits.
Who designed this place!
Also, the knotted ropes that are all around the cavern, I wasn't sure if they were hanging from the roof or suspended between the platform and the entrance.
This is one hell of a post man. He'd rather throw himself into the face of death by falling then by facing the ninjas or trying to locate an exit.
Because then he would have to traverse the crocodile pit to get another...?
Or would he just get beaten?
Oh so that's what he was doing here. Trying to write the perfect sentence. I thought the ninjas were just beating him for no writing neatly.
It's not fixed to the platform? That's just poor design choice.
You make it sound like someone would go to the eternal pit int he Ninja Headquarters. And why would the ninjas send you there after the pencil sharpener is gone?
I very much enjoyed this story. It was a nice happy fun story, even if overall the ending isn't exactly lighthearted.
The humour makes me think of other stories I read when I was a little younger and how they made me grin with the thought of how silly they were. I very much enjoyed it.
Yo. *nods*
I'm here to review as requested. I've gotten to you like a ninja, no? No pun intended... Anyways, I'm in a kind of weird mood, so I'm sorry if this review makes no sense whatsoever. Don't worry though, it should do. I'm really glad to see that you're entering the short-story September contest, Homelessporcupine. It's nice to know that people do take note of the contests that are going around and are eager to become a part of them. Pfft, son't I sound all moddish.
You don't really need this comma here.
You had a bit of a tense issue here. The part highlighted in red is what I'd suggest to edit it to.
Haha... ninja's... I'm cool with them appearing from nowhere. That's what ninja's are known for, right?
“You must use proper technique! You must control your pencil, or your pencil will control you! You must feel the Chi flow within you and to your pencil, as if it’s an extension of your arm!”
I think that you could have made this part a bit more effective. I would have liked for you to have used a different phrase, maybe? Something like this: It wasn't going well. He failed. Chi obviously wasn't his thing. Or even just... It wasn't working.
I'd like for you to tell me this in more detail. This part of the story could be turned into a really cool, kick-ass adventure scene thing.
This felt like it ended a bit sudden to me...
Overall
This was certainly interesting.
My main critique for this at the moment is that some parts are kind of vague. To begin with, why was the postman even there in the first place? Did the ninja's capture him and take him there? If so, how did they capture him? What was so special about this postman, he had to be captured by ninja's? What did the postman actually have to do? You mentioned somewhere about him having to write the perfect sentence or something, but it still seems really unclear to me. Anyway, why would ninja's capture him and make him write sentence? Don't you think that it's a bit drastic. If you can explain and answer these questions, then that's great. That's what I think you need to do. Are you beginning to understand what I mean when I say that I thought this was a bit on the vague side? There are some details that need explaining, really. Still on the subject of vagueness, I felt that you could have been a bit more descriptive on some scenes. When the postman was trying to escape, for example. Awesome action scenes are great fun. If you get the opportunity in a novel or story to write one, you should certainly use it!
Besides what I've just mentioned, there isn't anything else that's too serious here. I would like for you to expand on this story a bit. Give us the background information behind it. Who is the postman? Where's he from? For us readers to really feel involved in the story you're writing, you have to give us background details, not just living in the moment kind of thing. Unless you're writing something like a monologue, that is. All that you really need to do now is to take into consideration what us reviewers have and will say. If you edit this up a bit here and there, you could definitely end up with a very entertaining piece of writing here. Considering this contest is quite big, you're going to have to put your everything into this to be able to win. Edit it as much as you feel is necessary, think of how it can be improved, and improve this story as much as you possibly can.
Good luck with the contest!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
P.S I'm not one of the muskateers either. I'm too cool for that.
Hey! This is Chetan here. Umm..! Not one of the four Musketeers. I don't think if I can be of much help on this work but still I will try my best to give you a good review.
#FF0000 ">[Warning: This review can be waste of time. I have never posted something bad as this, so choice is yours]
So, first of all I will tell you my experience with the story. When I started reading this story it was catchy and easy to understand. I really liked the opening as mentioned by other of your reviewers. When I continued it to third paragraph it was really getting bad [at least that it what I think]. I am not in a very understandable mood today, so it can be my mistake too but do think that you should revise the middle part of the story.
Now the same question comes here, where did these ninja come from? Unlike other people, I may believe that ninja is not equal to immediate death. [Believe me, if ninjas still exists there are many who are silent killers, or who wait before something.]
I think in this story you wanted to describe a trap and fear of the postman. And to be honest, I don't think it was funny, and I think you didn't want it to be funny either.
At the end story was once again getting interesting and I liked it growing. I was loosing my interest in the middle part and it was really hard to understand why the things are happening in the way you organised them. But well, it is okay I think.
With as much of honest as I've got I will tell you that this one is not good for contest if you do not intend to improve it.
Now, I know you hate this review, me too. This is the worst review I have ever given, I don't even know why I am writing this but may be I have helped you.
Well..! There is nothing that I can say now. May be I helped you, or particularly this was a waste of time. I am myself kind of confused.
-Chetan
Good day! I am the second of the Four Musketeers to be at your service today, however I am sad to say... I cannot add much more... I have no nitpicks! Nooo!
(I almost feel bad for having such a short and unhelpful review!)
Overall:
This story is very humorous and fun and... well, I can't say much to make this better. You have a fun style of writing which makes me smile. Everything my fellow Musketeer has said is everything I had to say. *Shakes angry fist* Although, as opposed to her I enjoy your ending; it made me chuckle. You have a very light view on life and it comes through in this story. I like your postman. Though I have to say... his escape confused me a little bit. Maybe a little more deliberation and thought needs to be before he just suddenly bursts out to run away! Also, I agree with Seemingly, that postman was asking for it; everyone knows only a pirate can take a ninja head on.
Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Hey Spiky One without a Home
I'm here representing one of the four Musketeers. One for all! And all for one! Thank you for visiting our WRFF thread.
I have to say, if you wanted to capture the reader's attention, you surely did it right here. Fantastic opening.
I was under the impression that he was sitting at a desk. If so, it's sort of hard to roll into a ball when sitting on a seat
Whoah, wait, what?! Where did this ninja come from? Also, quick run down of popular ninja myths. Seeing a ninja = immediate death. The only thing that can defeat a ninja, or come close, is a pirate. You can only escape a ninja if you're on fire.
I... this... I have no words. This story is astounding. It's fantastic. So weird and wonderful, and it's funny.
If this is a thought, you don't need the quotation marks. If it's not a thought, generally people don't put emphasis on all the words in a sentence
Just, pure win. I... this is great
Not quite sure why this is in bold... And these ninjas sure enjoy Russian Reversals
I don't think these last two sentences are needed. Perhaps you can rewrite it in a way that sounds better?
I am so incredibly confused. This was so fun to read, but I felt as if you could have ended it better somehow. That's like asking for more icecream after having a double chocolate banana split (or something), but I can't help it. Everything before the last paragraph was just super mega awesome, and the ending was subtle and mild.
So yeah, thanks for the invigorating read. I loved this.
Hope this helped
- Jai (one of the four Musketeers)