Her anger was a little quiet but furious tempest
Like poison
I feared it
I feared it more than a long list of things
Affection
Ours was a mixture
Poison and Passion
Lust would corrupt it
It was innocent and overwhelming
I feared her
Her kisses held a magnitude
Like a thousand volts
Passed through my cheek
I wished we'd never leave
I wish I'd kissed your lips
Upon fallen leaves
Under mango trees
In hidden buildings
In public places
Now it's just the memories
That hold my dwellings
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Homachi, Becca here for a quick review. I really loved this piece! I think the narrator of this poem has a really strong, captivating voice and I was so curious the whole time about what they were going to say. I loved "affection/ours was a mixture/poison and passion/lust would corrupt it." I like how you describe it as "innocent and overwhelming," two words I wouldn't necessarily put together. I liked "her kissed held a magnitude/like a thousand volts." My absolute favorite was, "I wish I'd kissed your lips/upon the fallen leaves/under mango trees." The longing and the imagery of the final lines is so beautiful and really makes the piece shine. Hope to read more of your writing!
Well thank you Becca, I'm so so glad you felt this way. I love your review. It's more than encouraging.
Hello.
The opening here feels a bit vague. It's talking about generalities and grand metaphors without anything really concrete to hold it down, and it's stuff I've heard before. Tempest, poison, love, lust— these are things poetry tries to explain further down into its nitty gritty details, so relying on them to try and explain feelings feels weak.
On a similar note, the poem really starts to get into a flow when you mention a kiss on the cheek. While the image of electricity is rather common, the fact it's a cheek kiss and the rest of the poem is mourning the lack of kisses on lips for even more is really what feels like the crown jewel here. You have a very interesting angle and the rest of the images have so much potential— you have something not seen as much with mango trees, and you could expand upon the rest of the nouns and adjectives to be something that feels completely unique.
Which is, really, the missing piece of this poem. Uniqueness. Hidden buildings, public places, poison and passion— those are all generalities. Mango trees and cheek kisses are tiny details that give the poem a sensation, a sticking power. Those details make me curious about the relationship and I want to know more, but the rest of the poem doesn't really support the details to create something solid.
All in all, potential but not there yet. Drill down on your images and don't be afraid to slip in the smallest of details. Those smallest of details are what give poetry its voice, and, ironically, what make it relatable the most. Generalities are often so vague they can be anything, but details give us a window into another person's life and let us hang our emotions on the images you've created.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Thank you so much Rosey. You have no idea what this review means to me, I absolutely love it. I knew the word used would be seen as generalities, I was describing a love affair with insufficient thought at the time but yeah, there were mango trees, hidden buildings, public places, kissing that was restricted to the cheek because I wouldn't alter the original feelings I had for this girl.
I do have questions, thanks for offering.
You can reply here, on my wall, or in a PM with them!
Hi Homachi!
So I think that this poem is beautiful! I can tell that you really got lost in your words, and let your heart and your passion take over. The only thing I would change is the formatting. The one stanza seems a bit long. I think if you divided it right at the italicized part at the least, it would be a lot more powerful.
Other than that, I think this is quite well done. Your word choice is pretty strong, and your ideas are beautifully played out!
Keep up the good work,
E
Thank you so much for the review.
Actually this was quite well spaced, but since I'm using my mobile, when I put it on, it seemed like I just threw all the words in together. I don't know how to fix that.
And yes, these are real feelings.
I think this is great! I can tell that you poured your heart into it.
I love that. Thank you so very much.