There's something terribly wrong with dying in a hospital. It's a place of healing, supposedly... and yet, how many people die in hospitals every year? That's right. A lot. Of course, I had to die in a hospital. My life was like one of those moments where you're like; This can't get any worse... Oh yes, the dreaded phrase. But really, after awhile, it became a joke more then anything. Something bad would happen to me, and then one of my relatives would pipe up: It can't get any worse than this, huh Corb?!
And everyone would laugh, and then groan. And then an aunt or something would whack the cal prat – who was usually their husband. It's not like I regret dying – it was actually the best thing that had ever happened to me. But getting to death... that was the hard part.
My last big disaster/unfortunate occurrence/hell fest, was my catching an in-curable, undiagnosable, sorely unforgiving and unforgettable illness. Well, actually, apparently I was born with it.
I was fourteen when they realized that something was wrong with me, other then the uncontrollable laughter fits. They had me on every drug, tea, medicine, and herb that you could imagine.
You know the doctors are scared, when they start prescribing you tea. Nothing worked, of course. I only got worse. It was like I had chicken pox year round.
The neighbours liked to say I was contagious, though, that happened to be one of the few things I wasn't. You can't go over there, their boy is deathly contagious!
So then word spread, and well, I had a rather lonely teenage hood. My sisters' were good sports; they'd always include me in their games. I found myself beading, braiding Barbie's hair, playing dress up, Truth or Dare, and sometimes my sisters would play something that required maps, swords, a keen sense of acting, and an even keener sense of imagination.
At age 18, the doctors tried surgeries ( the tea wasn't working ). Oh, yes... let's just take out this organ, and this organ, and this-- wait, does he need this?
That's his heart, doctor...
Surprisingly, that's not how I died. Blind surgery didn't work and three years later I was hospitalized. OK, hospitals aren't as bad as they're made out to be. When you live in one, it's kind of fun. You get to know people, seeing them in the hall every day five times a day. You visit them, talk, laugh, and then they die. It's almost like living in an apartment, minus a few deaths...
After I was hospitalized, I had a year, basically, of good times. I was socializing then. No one cared whether or not I was contagious, because most of them were, or had been accused of it like myself. The doctors and nurses were the only ones, typically, who cared if our illnesses could be caught.
Once that year was up, I died. It wasn't that shocking though, it wasn't that quick.
The last week of my life, my family practically moved into the hospital. The nurses brought a cot in, and a couple easy chairs. My dad booked the time off work– imagine what that would have looked like on the calender; son's death, and then a line trailing across the little box's that represent days. He did that often. Made a line across the days we'd be camping on.
I died the second night of Autumn. The leaves were just barely beginning to turn yellow, and the nights had taken on a chill. It started in the in the afternoon, a tingling sensation in my left leg. It crept up my torso and into my other leg, and once it had claimed my entire body, it morphed into pins and needles. Then it turned into aching, and finally, it started to burn. I began vomiting uncontrollable, which lasted until there was nothing left in my stomach to throw up, and then there was only the motion.
I remember feeling like my skin was melting, dripping off my body like molten lava. I remember screaming. In fact, I'm pretty sure I deafened a few people. My parents weren't that much help, they were in tears, screaming at the doctors to give me more pain killers.
My sisters were there, too, despite my mother's protests. They would have never missed it. I was their pet for years. Tears poured out of their eyes as well. Like waterfalls. My family were all like waterfalls of fountains. Beautiful fountains.
I died in my baby sister's arms, and I'm glad it was her. I don't why. My dad had leaned over, his tears falling on my cheeks as he kissed my forehead, he said, “It can't get any worse than this... hey Corbin?”
I laughed, and then I groaned.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hi, there! Lefty here to Review!
I thought this was decently written and an enjoyable read. I'm really curious to see how the story progresses considering he died in the prologue. It seems pretty unique and original so far.
I'm not sure how often "/" is used in fiction. Perhaps you could change them to commas or triple dots and add something like "or whatever you want to call it" in there. So, something like: "My last big disaster...unfortunate occurrence...hell fest...whatever you want to call it... was my catching an in-curable, undiagnosable, sorely unforgiving and unforgettable illness."
That was really the only "nitpick" the stuck out to me and believe me, that was really nitpicky. I'm not sure if triple dots are quite right, but the slashes stood out to me a little.
I got a really good feel for the character and his personality in this prologue which is impressive considering it was relatively short and never actually had any conversation. I like his character, he's entertaining to read about.
The prologue sucked me in pretty good, being curious about how the story proceeds considering what happened in it, although I think the end of it could have a little more of a cliffhanger to it. You say that he died, but then you end it with him groaning. Perhaps you could say something along the lines of "then I groaned and my eyelids fell heavily over my eyes." or "then I groaned and felt myself fall into unconsciousness." Anyway, just something to think about.
Your sentences flow nicely and your grammar and punctuation are really, very good. The main characters personality is funny and fun to read about. Great job! I'll be sure to take a look at chapter 1. Keep up the good work!
-Lefty
Thanks! Yeah, I feel the same way about the slashes... so I'll see what I can do. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Hi, Holysocks! Nice user, by the way
The first paragraph really drew me in, the first sentence, even. When I realized that it was the speaker who had died, I was even more intrigued. There is something particularly interesting about reading from the point of view of a dead person.
In the first sentence of the second paragraph, when you say, "cal prat," do you mean "culprit"? Not sure.
In the second paragraph, after "disaster/unfortunate occurrence/hell fest" I think you should take out that comma.
In the last sentence of the third paragraph, I would choose either "actually" or "apparently"--with both, the sentence is too clunky/crowded.
In the fifth paragraph, there should be no comma between "scared" and "when". In the sixth, there should be none between ""though" and "that". (Sorry for being so nitpicky with the grammar.)
I like the part about his surgeries. The imitation of the doctors really adds sarcasm and a bit of bitterness to the voice, which is fantastic.
The description of the actual death was very intense and emotional. Very well done. I love the comparison to his skin melting. It gave me the chills.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. The style/tone was pleasantly sarcastic and sharp, and he tossed around the idea of his own death so casually that I couldn't help but keep reading. As a prologue, this is perfect. If the rest of the book, is this good, you've got big things in your future.
Keep up the good work!
-Lydia
Thanks Lydia!
Timmy here
As requested, I have joined the party. Oh, wait. Did you request or did I offer? I believe it was the latter. I have always loved your writing, and this piece was no exception. I love the style, and the sarcasm screamed out to me in so many places. It was a different kind of sarcasm, though. He was more like just sharing his pain with the world, with me, and just saying how he feels and never mind dishing it a little bit heavy. I think he is using just the right amount of emotion, too. The guy is dying. Yeah, he is going to be acting emotional.
One thing I really loved in this piece (well, one of the things) was how you used the past tense to write this... even though it was about your MC dying. That tells me that somehow, someday, he came back. He either came back to life or he is narrating a story after he died. Um, how does that work out? Don't tell me. I shall figure it out. ^.^
Allow me to go through a few technicals, because I feel kinda simple nitpicky today.
This isn't a big deal, but it's considered poor writing to use double punctuation marks on the end of a sentence. You have two choices when doing this - use the question or exclamation mark (well, no duh. there's only two to choose). Using the exclamation mark will give this sentence more of a shouting ending to it, and using a question mark will just be asking a simple question, no yelling involved. In this sentence... I dunno. The question mark seems right. Oh, yes. much more rightierest.
Is cal prat the English version of the word, culprit? It seemed rather strange. ^.^
You did it right the first time. Write out the names instead of using numbers. More professional, I guess.
I don't know about this sentence. It seems disjointed and almost like two short sentences that were crammed together. Perhaps rewording would help it? Somewhat? Maybe you could word it something like this:
Or something along those lines.
Normally I don't do nitpicks like this, but this seems like the smallest form of redundancy. Usually using the word, it a few times in the same sentence is fine, but in this case, it didn't seem right. That, and after the first few its, I lost track of what the word was referring to. Perhaps try a few synonyms of the word it stood for and slip them in there as a few substitutes?
Written as one sentence, but seems like it should be two. I think if you separated the sentence after cheeks, the flow would really be helped along here.
I think that's all the technical things I have to say on this piece. Noelle and JohnLocke1 did a marvelous job helping you out with those, anyway. I guess I will just ramble on for a short while longer, and then hit the road. Too good. Not much to say here.
I thought that this was actually a very fitting prologue? Okay, I haven't seen the first chapters yet, but seeing this from the narrow view I have, with only this to look at... it just seems like prologue material. And I have been following a lot of books, and like everyone has to do a prologue, it seems, and they kind of make the true prologues lose their weight and meaning. This was one of those few prologues that I think is entitled to the name, PROLOGUE. It's written in such a way so I can tell the book probably isn't going to start straight after this scene. My guess is either the book is going to start way before this scene, or narrated by a different character. I am hoping for the first option. I like this character.
As for the character, what can I say? I loved his sarcasm and his honesty. And just to let you know, I loved the fact that you made him play with his sister's dolls. Okay, that might be a strange thing for a guy to do, but I think it not only shows a bit of his character, but also shows his boredom in those moments. The parts in italics when he is poking fun at his doctors or nurses (or both at the same time) are absolutely hilarious. Very well thought out and well-written. But they were a different kind of funny. A sad funny. It was strange, because while I read through it, it seemed as though the character knew he was going to die, but wanted to make jokes about it while he came closer. So a little bit of that filtered into his jokes, and definitely came into his voice, which made the story even better.
This was an absolutely fabulous prologue, and that's saying something from me because I rarely like prologues. ^.^ Everything seemed so right and in place, and I dunno. The entire work was written very well, and I loved it.
What more can I say? Sad and heart-wrenching, the entire piece. Keep it up.
Onto the next chapter!
~Darth Timmyjake
Thank you Timmy! I'm so glad you like it!
Wowowowow. I love this! Geez. Nice job! I loved the combination of humor and bitter-sweet. Like well-blended coffee.
So glad you are doing more with this, I love the character and it kept me waiting for more. Great, great job!
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC
Thanks Griffin! I'm glad you liked it!
Hi there!
So I read this chapter yesterday and thought I submitted my review. Obviously not. But anyway...
I like this sentence, but I think it would be better if you take out 'I think'. It's already clear that this is your main character's thoughts. It's a bit redundant to say 'I think'.
You've got a nice prologue here. There's a MC and a problem. That's really all I look for in a prologue; everything else is just icing on the cake. Here you have Corbin who is recalling how he died. Alright, so maybe I can't pinpoint an exact problem, but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that Corbin is dead. I'm sure that'll come into play later on in the story. It's not really something that can be ignored xD
You improved with your "showing not telling" towards the end of this. At the beginning, I felt like it was just a huge info dump. Corbin told us everything that happened in his life as he was dying. That's fine of course because it's needed, but I wasn't comfortable with it at the same time. You sort of give away all your secrets in this prologue. We know how Corbin died and why. Personally I would've rather just read about the fact that he was in the hospital and then throw in the scene of him dying. Just a person preference.
That's really all I have to say about this. I wish there was more for me to comment on, but I think I've mentioned everything I can. Let me know when you post chapter 1! I'm super interested to see what goes on in this story and how Corbin (why do I want to call him Milo??? Strange...) fits into it all 'cause he's, well, you know, dead.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you, Noelle! I keep this all in mind.
Hello, my friend.
First, I quite enjoy your writing. It is witty, quick, and interesting to read. You have started a story that I would definitely want to finish. I thrive on dark humor, something that is rather lacking on this website, and the juxtaposition between the death-like language and Corbin's witty comments proved remarkable. I applaud you, my friend.
Second, some grammatical things:
I believe you meant "dying."
A semicolon is not necessary here. A colon would suffice.
A misspelling here. "...groan."
He has already died and the death is not a continuing event. Try, "... thing that had ever happened..."
The comma is not needed. And I don't know why you placed hyphen in "prescribing."
I believe you meant, "... if our illnesses..."
Other than those few things, your grammar was fine.
Third, a few stylistic suggestions:
I would take out the hyphens. It makes the last clause strange in conjunction with the first two. I think using commas would help everything flow better. I am not telling you to take out the hyphens altogether; I think they give your writing substance. I am just suggesting it in this particular case.
For the sake of flow, I would recommend either separating "Nothing worked..." and ...of course," with a comma or a period. Both would add a bit of spice to your writing.
I would take out the part about sleeping all day. It seems random and boring in comparison to having chicken pox year round, which kind of infers sleeping all day.
This is a great place, stylistically, for a semicolon. I would remove the comma.
No, he isn't. He was, "... socializing then."
Besides those few suggestions, you have a beautiful writing style. Beautiful. Charming. All of those words.
Fourth, your characters:
I love Corbin. He is brave, sarcastic, positive, and truthful. I have absolutely nothing else to say on that matter.
Fifth, your plot:
I think you have constructed an interesting first chapter, or prologue. But I think you should consider this to be the first chapter. By beginning with the protagonist's death, you have already thrown the reader into the unknown. Most writers cannot achieve that so early in their stories.
If you continue to use this as your prologue, which I advocate against, it is perfectly fine. However, if you choose to make it the first chapter, I would recommend focusing on Corbin's death a bit more. That seems to be an important part of the novel, so why rush it? Slow down and let us see more of this brilliant character you have created.
Overall, I cannot wait to read more. I simply cannot. Keep me posted on this novel. I am ecstatic. Happy Writing!
Thank you so much! I've been on my tip-toes waiting to here what people think. XD
I thought it would be good as a prologue only because I'm writing the novel differently... it's less of a commentary. I think.
I'll keep you posted for sure!
Thank you so much! I've been on my tip-toes waiting to here what people think. XD
I thought it would be good as a prologue only because I'm writing the novel differently... it's less of a commentary. I think.
I'll keep you posted for sure!