Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
It never works out
I don't know why I even tried
I knew it would never work
But I was too blinded by my feelings for him
I wanted it to work so badly
That I forgot that it wouldn't
✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨
He said he got me a gift for our two month anniversary
He never told me what it was
I still think about it
About him
He was different from the others
He did care
But that didn't matter
I still found a way to fuck it up
Whatever we had
I ruined it
By being myself
✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨
I tried again
With someone else
Thinking it would be different
I thought he cared
He said he loved me
He didn't
I still believed it
I wanted it to be something
But he crushed that
When he showed I was replaceable
Unwanted
Not needed
Pathetic
He always talked about my problems like I was five
"I can help you get over it"
"It's only in your head"
"It'll be easy"
No it won't
You don't understand
You try to
But you won't
No one will
✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨
I'm too broken to be loved
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey HollywoodUndead, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:It's simple and all. I enjoyed that you just focused on moving from point a to point b, and getting to the end through a driven and specific course. It's good because it keeps the reader flowing down the lines and into the ultimate climaxing point, which is where you catch them.
Negatives:
Tragic love songs/poems are literally THE MOST overdone and over written thing that has ever existed. Of course, it's all because someone actually had that happen to them and felt like they needed to vent or to tell someone, so they wrote into something pretty and started handing it out to people. The unfortunate part is that it has literally saturated the world with this kind of thing, and therefore, it's really difficult to stand out with something original.
Here, I don't really see that spark. It's just kind of there, and for me, I don't really enjoy it because I like to write and read things that either a) are very unique and expand my knowledge and vision or b) teach me some principle that will help me to be a better person and have a better life. That's why I don't do good with pieces that are just all about complaining or telling others how terrible life is. That's the vibe I get here.
Overall:It's okay, but I don't find any specific value that would cause me to think it's something special, and being that you've jumped into the market of "love" and "ex-love," there's not much room for selling your goods anymore.
I give it:
Ayyyy, you made chop suey!
That is to say that the flow in this piece is heavily hindered by the choice of the frequency of line breaks. It's akin to riding in a car with someone who, in traffic, is afraid of hitting something, so they continuously tap the brakes. I suggest following your breathing pattern and placing the line breaks where they feel natural to the breath.
The profanity really adds nothing to this piece, so I'd definitely nix that. There's no reason to need an 18+ rating just so you can say an unnecessary f-bomb.
And I get the emotion, the rage, the frustration with this person because the narrator's clearly been through a ton, but ultimately I think this amounts to just a grocery list of her emotions with no evolution of imagery or metaphor, no lyricism or poetic elements.
I suggest taking it back to the editing board and condensing several lines into metaphors so that you have something that resounds with the reader instead of a shopping list of emotions. I'm sure this piece can be something great, it just needs tender love and care.
Read, write, share, edit.
Ty
I will definitely edit this one. I just wanted to get thoughts out first and see where it stood then edit, since I'm not great at poetry. I didn't have that rating on there, but I got a message from Kaos and they said even if you have one word that's inappropriate, then you have to put and 18 rating. it's whatever. Thank you for the pointers again.
-Hollywood
Honestly, it felt a little bit too broken up for me to necessarily be a poem. The part when you said, "Unwanted, Not needed, Pathetic" kind of broke up the flow. Although I can almost imagine someone saying this to me, as if they are speaking to me which I like about this poem.
Perhaps, to sum up your thoughts you could say something among these lines? :
"My heart, shattered in his name,
I called it love and he called it lust
I am replaceable, not needed for any lover"
Although I do like what you are trying to do here. With some improvement it could flow better and compact all your thoughts into perhaps a few less lines.
Thank you for your tips. I will definitely consider them next time I try poetry. I'm not the best at poetry, so I always just try it. I thought it did sound a little weird, but I didn't think about it too much, i should've, so I will next time.
-Hollywood