z

Young Writers Society


16+

The Shifter Chronicles - Chapter 1

by HollyM64


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Chapter 1

Diron

Isolt laughed as she watched her twin be disarmed and thrown onto his back again. Sir Erwin clearly wasn't intending to take it easy on him today. Chuckling again at the look of utter annoyance on Orion's face, she looked back down at her sketchbook. She'd finished her archery lesson an hour earlier and decided to sit by the water barrel on the training ground and wait for her brother to stop getting his ass kicked. It was a fun way to pass the time. Her bow, a short, tight-stringed reflex bow made of white Murdeth wood, rested against a quiver beside her. Fail-not, she'd named it. She spotted a group of squires waiting by the weapons' rack, presumably waiting for their knights' orders. Brushing a loose strand of hair out of her eyes, she picked up her pencil and began to draw.

At 18, Isolt was undeniably beautiful. Her light blonde hair, which was cut just below her shoulders, seemed to shine in the midday sunlight. Her blue eyes had darkened slightly over the years, but they were still sharp and focused. Her skin was lightly tanned and her form, slim but strong, was clothed in a simple white blouse, brown tunic and trousers. She looked more like a page or stable girl than a princess, something she greatly enjoyed. Dresses had outlived their appeal long ago for her and she much prefered the freedom offered by male clothing. It made drawing a bow or running the length of the gardens far easier.

"You look invested." Looking up, Isolt smirked as she was met with familiar eyes and a bright red face.

"And you look like you've gone ten rounds with a bear." Orion let out a breathy laugh. She was right. His shirt, face and hair were soaked with sweat, causing the sandy locks to cling to his forehead. Sheathing Oathkeeper, he grabbed a goblet from beside the water barrel and sat on the rocks beside his sister.

"Always the jester dear." Isolt looked at him with a smile.

"I do try." She said, closing her sketchbook and placing it in her bag, "I hit the bull's eye with every shot today." She beamed. Orion dunked his cup in the barrel and smiled proudly at her.

"You'll be better than Ronan in a week at this rate." He looked at the water in his goblet, as if considering something, then, with all the grace of a baby deer on a frozen lake, dumped it over his head. The cold water ran down his back, causing a small shiver, but he instantly felt cooler for it. He heard Isolt snigger as he refilled and briefly considered throwing another goblet's worth at her before his eyes landed on Fail-not. She'd kill me before I even had a chance to run, he thought. Instead, he opted to take a long gulp, the soothing cold running down his throat. After another two cups, he stood up and offered Isolt a hand. "Come on, I need to change. Grandfather expects us in court in half an hour."

The two walked towards the castle, each recounting their own training session to the other. Every day was the same; wake up, have breakfast together, go to their respective lessons, which each ended with combat lessons, get changed, sit in on whatever meeting the King had that day, eat lunch and spend the rest of the day in the library. Today was no different. Orion dashed into his room, while Isolt waited outside, and quickly selected a clean shirt and trousers, before washing his face and getting dressed. Ten minutes later, he exited, looking and feeling decidedly more human than puddle, and followed Isolt to the Throne Room.

The castle was hundreds of years old: passed down from one descendant to the next, leaving little glimpses into the past. Stone pillars lined the walls, broken apart only by the small windows that looked out onto the capital city; Casterthane. Statues stood outside every room, eternal guardians to the inhabitants. Fat lot of good they were, thought Orion, bitterly. Some of the statues had been destroyed, broken remnants of feet or animals left on pedestals to remind them of that horrible day. Orion shook his head, forcing away the memories of screams, smashing stone and the smell of burnt books. Everything in the castle that had even a possible link to those monsters had been removed and destroyed. Quite rightly too.

As they approached the doors leading into the Throne Room, great Ashwood things that towered above them, they were met by a young woman in a faded pink dress, with long black hair and brown eyes. She smiled as they approached, "For a moment, I was honestly worried you'd be late." She wrapped her arms around Isolt in a quick embrace, then pulled away and pressed a kiss to Orion's cheek. The twins smiled at her.

"And risk Grandfather's wrath? No thank you." Said Orion, wrapping an arm around the woman's waist. Isolt pretended to gag as he pulled her in for a full kiss.

"No offence meant Flora, but could you not kiss my brother in front of me? It's really gross." The couple broke apart laughing, causing Isolt to mock glare at them. "What?!" She exclaimed, "I just don't appreciate seeing my brother stick his tongue into my friend's mouth!" Orion and Flora kept laughing, though Flora did pull away long enough to link arms with Isolt.

"Alright, for the duration of this silly court meeting, I promise not to kiss him."

"Do I get a say in this?" Asked Orion, smirking.

"No." Came the unanimous response. Orion laughed, before gesturing for the guard to open the door.

The Throne Room fell silent as the doors opened, revealing the heirs to the kingdom. Isolt and Orion held their heads high, backs straight, both of them radiating power. Gone were the smiles, replaced with stoic, yet confident expressions. Flora pulled back and walked behind them, taking her place with the rest of the court. On the black and gold throne sat King Ferris of House Luparis, the Third of his name. His hair almost fully grey and his formerly joyful eyes filled with a mix of pain and pride. The ghost of a smile formed on his wrinkled face as the Crown Prince and Princess knelt before him before they rose and took their seats beside him; Orion on the right, Isolt on the left.

The first two hours of court went exactly as they always did. Matters were brought to the King's attention and he decided if they were worth his time. Criminals who requested pleas or were bound to execution were brought before him to beg for mercy. It wasn't something that either twin enjoyed, but both accepted that it was part of being a ruler. Isolt watched her brother's face as a man stood before the King. He'd been accused of being a Shifter, and he was pleading to be freed. "I'm not one of them Sire!" He cried, "I swear to the gods, I have no power. Please Sire!"

"Explain then, how you came into possession of a Shifter's amulet." Ferris' voice was devoid of emotion, cold and calculating. It terrified Isolt.

"It was my wife's Sire, she died in the...in the Trials, Sire." The man fell to his knees, "I know I shouldn't have kept it Sire, but it was all I had!" His sobs bounced off of the walls, echoing in Isolt's ears. Ferris sighed and looked at the guard.

"Throw him into a cell for 2 months. And burn the amulet."

"No Sire, please, I beg of you..." Began the man, but the King simply held up his hand.

"If you wish to live, you will say no more." The man wept, but no words left his mouth as he was dragged away. Isolt felt her eyes sting. Why did he insist on even more pain? The Shifters were dead, why torment the ones they left behind?

As one of the ladies stepped forward, presumably to ask a favour for her father, the great doors swung open. Two guards with slightly haunted looks were stood there, a hunched figure being carried between them. The King rose from his seat, his face contorted with anger and annoyance.

"What is the meaning of this interruption?" He spat, his voice rising to a yell. The guards exchanged a look before pulling the figure towards the royal trio.

"Forgive us, Sire." Said Sir Riddick, an older knight from the King's personal guard. He and the younger guard who Isolt didn't recognise half-dragged the figure through the hall and dropped it at the feet of the royals. "He's one of the border patrollers that went missing two weeks ago." The King shot up, towering over the figure.

"Explain." He demanded. Isolt leaned in slightly so as to see the figure properly. It was a man, or at least the shell of one. His skin, what could be seen of it under the dirt and blood, was deathly pale. His torn clothes hung off him and soaked in yet more blood. Looking up at the King, he gasped for breath before beginning.

"I- I am Leoris Gothin, Sire." A sense of hopelessness filled his voice, "I patrol the border with Diron." Isolt straightened in her seat. Diron was a warring kingdom. They'd invaded six different lands, tried to take Iyuna twice and failed both times. Surely their leader wasn't insane enough to try again. "They came for us Sire...at night. Killed the lookout they did. There were so many..." He paused, panting slightly, as though running, "They took us to the palace. Everyone-everyone else is dead Sire. He-he sent me to deliver a message to you."

"Who sent you?" Ferris boomed.

"King Surret." Said Leoris, as he held out shaking fist, a small leather strap tied to his wrist, attached to whatever he was holding. After a moment's hesitation, he dropped the thing onto the steps at the King's feet. A collective gasp erupted in the room as the small, wooden eagle landed on the ground. Isolt felt a chill run through her. "He says he's coming for Iyuna...and has Shifters."

This chapter is where I started needing feedback because I am not the best with dialogue lol. I hope you enjoyed it and I'll post the next chapter when it's finished :) 


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Fri Dec 22, 2017 12:40 am
mellifera wrote a review...



Hello HollyM64! I'm swinging by for a review!

I haven't read the prologue and I think for this reason, there's a lot left to be desired. You have pretty clear writing and I could follow along with what was happening, but I also had to piece together a lot because I haven't read the prologue. Now, I'm not saying that somebody who picked up this book after completion wouldn't read the prologue, but I've heard many people say they skip book prologues. That makes this chapter confusing because I don't know some of the big elements of this chapter.

The beginning isn't very clear (again, I think reading the prologue would help). I'm not telling you to go reintroducing the characters necessarily, but you kind of just jump right in to what's happening. Which, regardless of prologues, is confusing for a first chapter. I would try to set up the scene a little more.
-however, you might want to mention somewhere closer to the beginning that Isoldt and Orion or twins, because while I wondered if that's who Orion was, it wasn't clear until you mentioned it when he sat down beside Isoldt after he finished training.

Take this with a grain of salt (coming from a person who currently has a princess in her story), but I'm personally not really interested in Isoldt's 'I'm a princess but I like men's clothing, don't like dresses and love archery' because I've heard it a thousand times. While I'm sure you can put a your own spin on it (and do it well! This is no disregard for your talent!), it does dissuade me a bit from really liking Isoldt.

Also, a minor comment, but did Isoldt go to the throne room in her training gear? Or did I miss the part where she changed? Or is dress code really lenient?

Statues stood outside every room, eternal guardians to the inhabitants. Fat lot of good they were, thought Orion, bitterly. Some of the statues had been destroyed, broken remnants of feet or animals left on pedestals to remind them of that horrible day.


Again referencing the prologue (I think), but you make it sound like readers already know what this event was. I'm assuming this is what the prologue is about, and if so, I would suggest either explaining a little more about it, or making it more vague 'Some of the statues had been destroyed, broken remnants of feet, or animals left pedestals to remind them of a horrible battle' or something similar.

Ferris' voice was devoid of emotion, cold and calculating. It terrified Isoldt.


More of a suggestion than a nitpick, but instead of telling us that Isoldt is terrified, you might try showing us her reaction. Maybe something more like 'it sent a chill down her spine' or 'it gave her a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach'.

As one of the ladies stepped forward, presumably to ask a favour for her father


Wait, what ladies? Did I miss something? I'm not sure what ladies' or ladies' father you're referring to here. You might want to make that a little more clear.

I really like how you ended the chapter on the cliffhanger, because you did it well. That, above anything else, makes me curious as to see what happens in the next chapter. Nice job on that hook!

You have an interesting story and plot here! You have good descriptions, though you might want to split up some of those writing chunks, as some of them are quite long. But it was a smooth, good read!

I hope this review was helpful to you, and I hope you continue writing this! Have a wonderful day :D

-scribbles




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Fri Dec 08, 2017 3:32 am
deleted221222 wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Thundahguy, and I'm not good at grammar checking. Here's my review:

Dialogue is a problem I share with you, at least grammatically. I'm not the best, but I do know one thing you could improve upon. Have whatever the character says end with a comma if outside the quotations there’s a ‘says’ or ‘said’, unless there’s specific punctuation like a question or exclamation mark. If the person in question is performing an action instead of just saying things, you put a period.

For Characters:
Isolt and Orion seem like great starting characters. I haven’t read your prologue (maybe later) but from a starting chapter perspective, they appear to be well developed for the time being. They bounce off each other as well. I can’t really say anything about Flora, positive or negative, though. Sure, [Spunky Female Protagonist] is something I’ve seen a lot, but at least Isolt is toned back a bit. Hopefully, you don’t mess them up.

So that’s all I can really say about your first chapter. The use of description is great! It’s easy for me to visualize your story. But remember, just because you start off great, doesn’t mean it could trail off elsewhere due to the plot or progression issues. Whenever you release a new chapter, it’d be nice if you could tell me.




HollyM64 says...


Thanks for the feedback, it's really useful! And don't worry about the "Spunky Female Protagonist" thing, I wrote Flora to be a side character. I do have a third protagonist but they are not gonna show up yet :)




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— William James