*rubs hands together* >] A creepy story? Count me in.
That horrible death, which was so pleasurable to my ears#0000FF "> at the time of hearing the news,#FF0000 ">It's really clunky, that blue bit. has crawled up my skin with wrenching hands without me ever noticing until days before now. #FF0000 ">Actually, scratch that. This whole sentence is clunky. Too many words for such a little idea, and the words don't even flow well together. After that last trembling breath had been taken and only a cadaver lolled #FF0000 ">Usually when I think of loll I think of indolent movements, not just hanging loosely. Just a note. in that unearthly bed, it had been such a joyful time for me. Of course, I had to shed heavy tears which others believed to be full of despair and sorrow, but in that reality, they had rolled down my cheeks, which seemed so bleak at the time, with a new found laughter. #FF0000 ">Another note: aside from terrible flow, your narrative is really dragging. Like really really really dragging. I see no conflict, which is a problem. I had stood there as the coffin was depressed #FF0000 ">Why not lowered? What's with the big words? Depressed makes me think they didn't dig a hole for it beforehand. into the ground with my core scratching itself a new manic smirk that prepared my victory for display. #FF0000 ">I'd find a different way of stating this last bit. It's weird. I understand what you're trying to say, but it's seriously weird.
How foolish I was to be so satisfied. I had not look#FF0000 ">ed into all #FF0000 ">ofthe consequences of it. #FF0000 ">Okay at this point I'm getting used to the voice, but it's a little difficult to settle in because you can afford to remove so many words. More on this later.Only did I think of being caught by the living, but the dead who knew the burden of punishment had not come across my mind. If anything, it’d be best to leave her alive and let her love the other man, for living #FF0000 ">was the worst of it all. Why hadn’t I thought of that when I #FF0000 ">hadturned the gas on? Why hadn’t I thought of that when I worked in the garden with such an innocent face? Why hadn’t I?
Now I know of my idiocy as I smell that rosy perfume of hers wherever I go. Out of the corner of my eyes I think I see the flash of her red hair. That hair had once given me so much contempt to marvel at, but at present it is the flaming color of bloody wine which flows smoothly yet poisons the victim who dares drink it in. There! Her figure has just slung itself against that doorframe as if she is drunk with wisdom and power, and yet when my eyes blink for the second time, that silhouette disappears around the wall. When I dare gain the courage to search it out, the shadow has all together vanished from the hallway. #FF0000 ">Better than the first two paragraphs.
Written in the vein of Edgar Allan Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart, if I'm not mistaken. And if not, then you should probably read it. Similar feel and voice.
To be honest, I skimmed the rest of the piece and it's honestly not bad -if it had better flow, this would be a decent piece.
Read it out loud. It's very difficult to get through and your tongue is guaranteed to stumble at least once per sentence. In this light, I recommend you revise it so that it flows smoothly. This will never achieve the airiness of the modern narrative mainly because of the voice you chose to write it in, but read some classics. They still have flow pat down - again, nowhere as breezy as the modern stories, but still pretty good.
The trick to telling a good story is to not let the audience realize someone else is writing it. If the flow is clunky, then your audience will realize there's a writer behind the words. Of course they'll always know there's someone writing it, but realizing it is a different matter - if your sentences are clunky, then in each and every step of the way, your readers will keep thinking that you're there directing the story.
You want to be a silent observer, passive and unremarkable, not that dude with the peacock hat and neon pink skinny jeans. oo" Good flow will keep you from being that guy.
Here are a few tricks to help you with your narrative:
1. Read it out loud (already said this).
2. Cut out any word you can afford to cut out. This usually leaves the narrative lighter, which in turn helps its flow.
3. If you cut it out and when you read it again the sentence is difficult to get through/confusing without the word, put it back in.
4. Do not sacrifice clarity for the sake of flow, nor flow for the sake of clarity. Be as clear as possible in the fewest words you can manage.
5. Make sure to keep the voice intact - don't expect this to sound like Siken when you're done, because the voice will hamper its flow. Again, check The Tell-Tale Heart. Use it as your benchmark for flow.
I can't really give an objective review otherwise because it's so difficult to read at the moment. Your verbose style killed it, and on top of having terrible flow it was kind of frustrating to read because a lot of times, I had to go back over the sentence just to make sure what it meant. Now, don't be discouraged - you chose a difficult style to write in, so it only makes sense you'd hit some bumps along the way. ^^" We're not used to this language, and I'm not very well-versed in this voice either, so think of it this way - we're both learning this together. If I wrote this, I'd probably encounter problems with voice, which you got down right.
On another note, try to instill more panic towards the end. In the last bit, I don't feel enough of his panic (but maybe it's because I skimmed it). Try to really put me in his head. Don't say he saw her at the door, put in a sentence or two that goes:
"-was that a flash of red I saw? Could she be here? No, that's foolishness, total nonsense. She couldn't be here, for ghosts only existed in the minds of madmen."
You get my gist. What I'm basically asking for is for more organic thoughts, something that'll really make us feel like we're in the narrator's head.
Lastly, try to aim for a stronger beginning. You can see my reaction wasn't very enthusiastic when I started this story, but that was because of the flow, probably. Fix it, and I'll come back to review this piece with a better eye. Right now I can't get past the clunky style to focus on everything else, so I'm sorry if I'm being a little past unhelpful. >>"
Hope you learned something from this anyway. :S
Sincerely,
Octave
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Reviews: 202
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