z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

chapter 3- Boss vs. Beast

by Holiday30


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

New York, NY

Year 2035

“Kinte Kalifia!” A little white boy on the bus yelled as he waved to a Slinky black boy. The black boy was about 5’10 to 6’0. He wore big nerd glasses and had a nappy fro.

“Yo James!” The Slinky black boy yelled back as he walked towards the white boy. The white boy was about 5’0 and was also super skinny. He had short blonde curly hair and freckles. As Kinte was making his way towards his best friend Jamie, he happened to get a sniff of something so lovely. He already knew it was the perfume worn by the most beautiful girl in all of New York. Her Name was Adrina Scotts, and man she was a looker. She was about 5’8 maybe 5’9 and she had a flat stomach with wide hips. Her waist was about 19 and her booty size was 28 inches, just shy of 30. She just got her done. She had pixie braids and her face was flawless. No acne, face blemishes, just perfect. What else was perfect about her? Her tit size was a size C. And her smile, wow her smile was so perfect. She was so perfect. Kalifia looked back just for a second to see one god’s truest masterpieces he could possible make. As he walked pass Adrina cut her eye and smiled that’s when Kalifia tripped and fell as the whole bus burst into laughter.

“Damn Urkel! You have on them thick ass glasses and you still can’t see.” One guy joked. His name was Randy Smith. He was the quarterback at Kilifia’s school and was also Adrina’s Boyfriend. Randy was about 250 pounds. This gave him 100 pounds easy over Kalifia. He and Kalifia was the same height but Randy had 10 times the muscles that Kalifia had.

“Damn Urkel you need to get up!” Butch joked back. That was Randy’s Hype man. Whatever Randy did or say Butch always went along with it.

“What the fuck Randy man, why you clip me?”

“What Urkel I never touched you.”

Kalifia got up with his fist bald up.

“What Urkel you trying to fight?” Randy as he stood up.

“Yeah Urkel you want some problems?” Butch asked.

Tears filled Kalifia eyes as he looked angrily at Randy.

“Hey, Kalifia take a seat now or I will write you up.” The bus driver yelled from the front of the bus. Kalifia just ignored her though as he stood his ground against Randy.

“Kinte, come on bro just sit down. You know Principle Sikes, and the bus driver is going to be on Randy side regardless.” James said as he tugged on his best friend shirt.

“You better listen to elf for you be back on the ground.” Randy smirked.

Kalifia could still hear the whole bus laugh at him. He looked around as his watery eyes landed on Adrina. She covered her face but Kalifia already seen she was laughing at him as well.

“You think you so tough because you big, and a superstar in High school. But one day you gonna be looking at me and Ima own your everything. And while you are at the job that I give you as your boss, Ima be in yo house fucking yo bitch.” Kalifia raged.

The whole bus ooo-ed as Randy shook his head. He then punch Kalifia in the face and dropped him. Kalifia was knocked out cold and reawaken in the nurse’s office.

“Aw, shit my head.” He said as he sat up.

“Kinte you up!” James yelled as he got up out of his chair.

“Yeah, fuck happened?” Kalifia asked.

“Randy dropped you again.”

“Again? Damn I know he was going to swing with the right. I knew it.”

“Bro, he defiantly swung with the left.”

“What? But in every other knockout he has on me it was with the right.”

“Ah, he might have thought you had game plan this go round and switched hands.”

“Fuck!” Kalifia yelled into the pillow.

“Oh no, bro it gets worse…… guess who you have to go see once you leave the nurses office.”

Kalifia looked at his best friend before he dropped his head in sorrow.

Kalifia got cleared by the nurse and was told to report to Principle Sikes office. As he walked in he saw the secretary at the front desk. Behind her was a huge picture of Principle Sikes in a football uniform about 30 years ago. He was the Quarterback for this school then and led them to the championship when he got into a real bad accident and sideline his career forever. The backup Quarterback went on and won the Championship for this school. Stole Principle Sikes High School love got his scholarship and all. His Name was Reggie Smith, Randy’s father and ever since then Principle Sikes has been playing kiss ass to the Smiths.

Kalifia walked pass the secretary and seen the trophy case. The first trophy belonged to Reggie and the second one of course belonged to Randy. Kalifia rolled his eyes as he entered the room.

Principle Sikes was on the phone but quickly hung up once Kalifia came in.

“Yeah, I will call you right back.”

Kalifia didn’t say anything as he sat down in the chair.

A few seconds went by before Principle Sikes spoke.

“I am suspending you.”

“What? Why?”

“Why? Because this is 4th referral this month, that’s why. I am sorry but I cannot keep looking the other way because you are the child of a judge. If other students have to except punishment so do you.”

But Principle Sikes Randy tripped me.”

“Did you see him trip you?”

“No.”

“Well then I am sorry but you will have to do 3 days off the bus.”

“What? Man that’s bullshit!”

“Aye young man! Now that’s three days off the bus and 5 out of school.”

Kalifia rolled his eyes as they began to fill with water.

Later when he got home…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kalifia looked at the clock and then back at the television. James was over and they were looking at the anime Satan’s Children.

“Hey Kinte.”

“Yea James?”

“Don’t Randy remind you of Satan Jr. and Butch is like Omanga?”

Kalifia laughed for the first time that day. James smiled to simply because he helped boost his friend’s day. But soon that laughter stop as the front door shut. Both looked at the bed room door. A few seconds later the door knob twisted and Mr. Kalifia walked in. He did not say word. He just looked at his son. He then cut his eyes towards James. James smiled a scared smile before he got up.

“Well I think that’s my mother calling for me.”

“Yeah, you should go see what she wants.” Mr. Kalifia said as he let James out the room.

He then shut the door. Kinte did not look at his father but just at the floor.

“So you not going to say word to me? I thought you was a man. The least you can do is look me in my eye and tell me that fucked up and own up to your mistakes.”

“Mistakes? Dad, I did nothing to this boy. He just picks on me because I have a crush on his girlfriend. He is an asshole and it’s not fair that the principle takes his side over mine.”

“That’s not what I heard. The principle said he looked the other way plenty of times after your fuck up.”

“Tsk you no better than the principle. Still kissing Reggie Smith ass, because he was your best friend in High school and you and him got a ring together that makes his son right and me wrong. Well guess what fuck you and him. Shove that up yo ass.”

Mr. Kalifia without thinking slung Kalifia across the room into a wall. Kinte crashed hard into the wall. His father then picked him up by his throat and said, “Boy if you ever come out your mouth at me like that again I will kill you.”

“Go ahead, do it. Hell I know you want to. I am not the idea son for you anyway right. I mean you rather fight against me then stand with me.”

Mr. Kalifia let go of his son’s neck. “Wrong is wrong and this referral is wrong.”

“Yeah I know, yet you won’t go fix it. I bet if my mom was still alive she would go and fix it.”

Mr. Kalifia balled up the referral and threw it at his son and walked out. He slammed Kinte door behind and Kinte sat in his room alone and cried until he fell asleep.

The next morning Kalifia got up and went downstairs. He seen Gloria had cooked breakfast. (Gloria was his father’s favorite maid out of the three that work for him at his house. So occasionally she would stay there when Mr. Kalifia needs “extra help” late night at the house.)

“Good morning master Kalifia.” Gloria sang in her Haitians voice. Gloria was about 5’7 with short black hair. But her skin was a beautiful dark drown and her eyes were dark blue. She was really skinny but she had a beautiful smile.

“Good morning Gloria, is my father washing up?”

“Nope, I am right here son… why aren’t you dress for school?”

“Because I am suspended remember?”

“Oh yeah…well get dress.”

“Why?”

“Cause you are going to school.”

“Dad did you not hear me?”

“Kinte did you not hear me? Go get dress now mister or you going to miss out on this delicious breakfast Gloria made for us.”

Kinte went to go get dress and sat down to eat with his father. After that they left.

“Dad, this isn’t the way to my school.”

“I know son before I take you school I thought I should take somewhere else.”

“Where?”

“To the one place, where me and you are understood best and will not be judged.”

Mr. Kalifia pulled up to a graveyard. Him and Kinte got out and walked towards a tombstone. The name on it was Qutashia Kalifia.

“Mom.” Kinte whispered.

He and his father just stood there for a moment.

“Son, I am so sorry if I have ever made you feel like I do not love you. I really do, I just have a hard time showing it, and I know you can be ten times better than me because you had a mother who loved you more than her own life. And a father who will give anything for you. It may not look like it now, but from here on out I will prove it. Starting with today.”

“What’s going to happen today?

“Today? Well today you get back into school.”

Kinte just looked at his dad with a confusing look. His dad just smiled and punched Kinte in the arm playfully.

“Race you back to the car.” Mr. Kalifia laughed as he took off towards the car.

They both ran to the car and then drove off towards the school.

9:00 a.m. at Beekman High school in New York City

“Now Rashnu, you have to understand your son did go against what the bus driver said when he was told to sit down.” Principle Sikes explained.

“Yes I clearly read the referral.” Mr. Kalifia answered back.

“So why are we even having this dumbass meeting then Rashnu?” Reggie asked in quizzically.

“Because I am a judge and I just want to make sure justice was served.” Mr. Kalifia answered back.

“Look, I understand. I mean if it was my son I would be trying to see what’s going on to but it’s your son Rashnu. I am sorry but even you said it yourself last week when we went out drinking your son was changing. You said his mother’s death is what drove to this point.” Reggie quoted back to Mr. Kalifia.

“Yeah, but I just had an epiphany… you see I think my boy was hurt by his mother’s death but even more hurt when I distance myself from him. I never meant to, I thought that men were supposed to deal with their feeling on their own, and so I did. But my son is not yet a man and needed me there for him and I wasn’t. But that changes here. Now play the tape Tyler.”

“Um, Rashnu is that really necessary? I tell you what we will tear up this referral and allow your son to come back today… how that sounds?” Principle Sikes said through a fake smile.

“I appreciate your generous offer but if my son is wrong then he will do his time. I am a judge after all… but I want to make sure that there was all fairness in this trial that happened here.” Mr. Kalifia smiled.

Principle Sikes played the tape. After watching it, Mr. Kalifia did not say a word. He just stood up and fixed his coat. He began to head out the door.

“Rashnu wait.” Principle Sikes yelled out behind him.

“Wait? Wait? My son got suspended for three days off the bus and then 5 days out of school, for what? Because he stood up to his bully?”

“He was told to sit down.”

“And so what? Randy tripped him, and then punched him hi his face. So now you tell me what Randy punishment was.”

“Well we are taking in all he has done to determine the right-”

“Man don’t feed me that bullshit. You forgot I read the newspaper, and last night in the big headlines it clearly said Randy played in the game last night as he led his team back to the post-season with his high school career high in passing yards 8,000.”

Reggie laughed. “Yeah my boy is something special. Hell he almost beat his old man record. Ya’ll remember my following season after winning that championship for us was 8001.”

Rashnu cut his eyes towards Reggie who quickly stop laughing and rubbed his chin.

“Yeah, and my boy is something special because it didn’t take him to get through high school and realize that after that, that’s it. Unless you have a game plan. He wasn’t like his old man or didn’t come in second because he knew he needs education to make it in this city. My son won’t have to go to community college first and then get accepted into a university. Why?” Mr. Kalifia said as he slammed Kinte’s report card on the table. It was straight A+’s all the way down.

“Because my boy, is smart and I will be damned if I let this school treat him any different than Randy because Randy’s a celebrity and he’s not.” Mr. Kalifia said as tears ran down his face. He then grabbed the door knob and swung the door open. It hit the wall so hard that the glass window on the door shattered. The secretary screamed as the glass hit the floor. Kinte looked at his furious dad and became scared.

“Come son, and I am sorry it took me so long, but I am and will fix this.”

They both left the school, and a few weeks later principle Sikes lost his job and Randy wasn’t able to play in the play-offs. Coincidently though the team still won without him. Kinte and his father were spending more time together and all seem right till….........................................................

“I can’t believe this!” Reggie yelled.

“Dad its cool we still won the play-offs and coach said I can come back next year.”

“No fuck that son. See you don’t understand. It’s the principle that Rashnu did this. That little ungrateful prick. I made him into the winner he is now. Rashnu was some punk nigger that I decided to befriend. I taught him how to play football. I gave him is glory years in high school. I am the one who gave him my side bitch Qutashia, to marry and how he repays me. He gets my son kicked off the team right when he was about to become a football god. Ima fix him. Come on Randy Ride with your father.

Randy and his father ended up in south Brooklyn. “Dad, why are we here? We are white, this is clearly the ghetto.”

“Boy watch yo mouth. Most of my nigger friends are from here.”

Reggie and Randy both got out the care and walked up to a hallway. Inside were four apartment doors. There were four black guys sitting on the steps. Each holding a gun and was mean mugging both Randy and Reggie.

“Hey there fellas you know where I can find J styles?”

“Why white boy?” One of the black guys asked.

Reggie just chuckled and said, “You don’t know who I am do you?”

“Am I supposed to cracker?”

Reggie licked around his gums as he nodded. “Look here you little piece of shit, you aint shit but J styles little lap dog so understand the chain of commandment and go a get yo master.”

One of the black guys stood up and cocked his pistol before pointing it at Reggie. The other three stood up with the pistols in there hand too.

“I don’t know who the fuck you think you are but you are about to die.”

The Top right Apartment door open.

“Uncle Reggie?” A woman voice said out of the door.

“Samantha darling hi.” Reggie said as he smiled and wave. The woman was about 5’5 and wait size of 32. Breast size was 32B. She was a pretty brown color with long black hair. Randy mouth fell open as the woman came down stair. Her eyes connect with his as she waved and smiled. Randy was stuck as she walked pass him to his father. She gave him a hug and ordered the thugs to let them through.

“Dad look who came by to see us.” Samantha smiled. Reggie and Randy walked in. As Randy walk past Samantha she grabbed Randy’s thigh. Randy jumped and looked over. Samantha just wink and walked across the room.

“Well I be damned. If it isn’t the legendary football god himself.” J styles spoke out. J styles was 5’9 with a bald head. His body type was athletic, and skin color was the same as his daughters. “So what brings the Football god into my establishment?”

“I need a favor.”

“A favor?”

“Yeah, you see I need you to off Rashnu for me.”

“Wait, what? Uncle Reggie why do you want to kill Uncle Rashnu for?” Samantha asked.

“Well why else I think he has been a thorn in both me and your father side for long enough.

“So you want me to kill our best friend? For what?”

“You mean besides the fact he was the one who put you in jail and left your baby girl out here to defend on her own?”

“But Uncle Reggie, uncle Rashnu looked after me while my daddy was in jail remember. Both of you made sure I stayed in school and made good grades.”

“Yeah I know sweetheart but Rashnu didn’t really care about you or your father. Hell I had to fuss at him on days I could come to watch you…now what kind of friend is that? And he didn’t even bother to come visit you once while you were locked up J. But I did. SO you can see who the real friend here was.”

“Yeah, real friends fuck they home boy bitch why he in jail to right?”

“Look man I told you I was sorry. She caught me in my weakest moment. Ya know me and Sarah was going through some things and Tasha was trying to help me get over my problem and I was trying to help her co-op through your lock up, so eventually one thing led to another.”

“J styles just looked at him.

“Look I am going to pay you of course.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Yeah there’s no such thing as not a reasonable price. You name it I pay it.”

“Okay I want your life.”

“Whoa, let’s talk about something real here.”

“We are. You thought you come in here and disrespect me in my house. I ought to blow you and your fucking look alike brains all over this living room floor.”

“Or you could go kill Rashnu and I can get your daughter a full ride at Harvard. Samantha face lit up.

“Harvard? You can get me into Harvard?”

“Yep all your father has to do is mirk that judging son of a bitch and everyone wins.”

J styles looked at his daughter. He could see in her eyes she really wanted to go Harvard.

“Okay it will be done by the end of this week.”

That Friday……………

“Hey dad?”

“Yeah Kinte?”

“Tonight is prom and well you know there is this girl I like and I was trying to figure out how to ask her out.”

“Oh women troubles.”

“Yeah dad, how you ask mom out?”

“Well son back in the day my Reggie was real tight and we had a home boy Justin Styles. Well J, knew I liked your mother, but your mother was really into Reggie. Well Reggie knew I liked her to, so the night before prom he broke up with her and sent me a text saying if I want her I should go get her now. She at first wasn’t going to do it till her home girl Jasmine said she was dating my homeboy J. J talk your mother into going to prom with me and that’s how that happened.”

“Wow really?” Kinte asked as he grabbed a piece of toast.

“Yep.”

You could hear the bus pulled up. “Oh well I got to go dad. I love you.”

“I love you to son.” Mr. Kalifia smiled.

At lunch…………

“So did you ask her out yet?” James asked.

“Naw, not yet.”

“Well what are you waiting on? She is only one of the cutest girls at this school.”

Kinte gave James a look when-

“Hey Kinte.” A voice said from behind. When he turned he sees it was Adrina standing there. His mouth got instantly became dry as he looked at her.

“Hey Adrina.” James said as he nudged his best friend. She grew a big smile.

“Um can I sit here with you guys? Randy isn’t here today.”

“Sure can, aint that right Kinte?”

Kinte did not respond as he just kept looking at Adrina. James then nudged him again.

“Huh? Oh yea please sit.” Kinte said as he got up and pulled the seat out for Adrina and then pushed it up to the lunch table.

“You are such a gentleman.” Adrina smiled. Kinte smiled a shy smile back.

“Well then.” James said as he got up.

“Yo J, where you going?” Kinte asked with a panic.

“Oh, see I just remember I am felling a class and I am about to go there, because you know they won’t let me get my diploma this year with you guys if I don’t pass it.”

James then left and it wasn’t anybody at the table but Adrina and Kinte. Kinte never looked up, but the smell of her perfume kept giving his nostrils love taps as he fought hard against his temptations to just get a glimpse at his High school goddess. They sat there quietly. Neither was eating when Adrina got a text. A few seconds later the bell rang for them to return back to class. Kinte got up and tried to move quickly pass Adrina, when she grabbed his hand. His palm broke into an instant sweat as he swallowed hard.

“Hey can you walk me to class?”

“Um, sure.”

Adrina got up still holding Kinte hand as they walked down the hallway. Every one gawked and looked with surprise as the two walked down the hall.

“Um, Adrina……… everyone is looking at us.”

“I know.”

They got to her class. She looked in and seen the class was full with students.

“So Kinte tonight is prom, and I was wondering if I could be your date.”

Kinte couldn’t even believe it as he tried his hardest to say yes.

All the students in the classroom got up and went to the door to hear the answer he would give her. She smiled and said let me see if I can help you your answer come out. She stood on her tip toes and put her arms around Kinte and kissed him.

“Yes.” Kinte managed to squeak out after the kiss. The students went crazy in the classroom.

“Okay then I will be at home waiting for you to come pick me up. I am wearing a gold slim dress; do you have a gold suit to match?”

“I-I thin-think m-my dad does.” Kinte stuttered.

“Great well I will see you at 8.” Adrina smiled as she walked pass all her classmates and sat down like nothing happened.

Kinte started to walk back to his classroom. You could hear him scream “yes, she wants to go out with me!” all the way there.

8 p.m. that night………………………………………

Kinte got his dad to drop him off at Adrina’s house. As Kinte began to get out his dad car his dad stopped him.

He took a deep breath before speaking. “Do you have protection son?”

“Dad!?”

“What? Me and you both knew I would one day have this convo with you. I just never thought it be so soon.”

“Dad, I am a senior.”

“Yeah I know I just thought this convo would come up once you were a senior in college.”

“Dad!”

Mr. Kalifia laughed. “Son I am just teasing, but if you do decide to sleep with her…”

Mr. Kalifia put a condom pack in his hand. “Be safe. Not just for you but for her to.”

Kinte nodded and then hugged his dad. “I love you dad.”

“I love you to son.”

Kinte got out the car. “Hey Kinte you got your keys right?”

“Yeah dad.”

“Okay I am going to the bar and I don’t know if I or Gloria will be there once you come home.”

“Okay dad, good night.” Kinte smiled as he walked up to the door.

He had on a black vest with a gold shirt upper it. He also had on black slacks with gold stitching in it.

He had on a pair gold Prada penny loafers. They were his father’s prize possession. He knocked and a diesel cock eyed man came to the door. He didn’t say anything but grunted at Kinte. Kinte looked nervous as he threw up the words he was trying to say.

“helo, is she, Adri, here at this home? I-I thin-think I got th-the wrong home.”

Kinte began to leave when, “Kinte?”

“Adri!”

“Huh?” Adrina laughed.

“I meant Adrina.” Kinte said as he quickly correct himself.

“Daddy it’s cool that my date.”

The big diesel man then grunted again, and bald up his fist. He cocked back and Kinte closed his eyes awaiting the blow.

“Daddy no!” Adrina fuss. The diesel man grunted once more.

“Okay you know what I will go get mommy if you don’t chill.”

The diesel man dropped his face and made a few more sounds before going back up the stairs. Adrina smiled as she came down. Kinte eyes were still closed as he still waited for the blow.

Adrina pulled him to her so she could kiss him. When her lips touched Kinte’s his eyes popped open and then closed again as he picked her up and off the ground. She smiled. “I have half a mind to skip prom tonight.”

“Well I mean we could but what would we do? Or did you mean you wanted to be alone tonight? I understand if you do? You know I just wanted you to-“

Adrina put her finger over Kinte’s lips. “Do you have condoms?

“I- I have o-one.”

Adrina smiled and said, “Well one just won’t do if I plan to keep you busy all night…it’s a good thing I got some upstairs in my drawl.”

She then grabbed Kinte hand and led him upstairs to her room.

At the Bar…………………………………………………………………………

“Yo, Jimmy can I get a cold one over here?”

“Yea Rashnu…… what got you in such a good mood?”

Mr. Kalifia just smiled.

“Well if my son plays his cards right he might get his first piece of action.”

“What? Really? Not little Kinte.”

“Yep, and the girl is very pretty too.”

“Maybe Kinte luck might rub off on James and he will get some to tonight dad.” A young woman joked as she gave Jimmy a kiss on top of his four head.

“Yeah that will be the day.” Jimmy laughed.

Oh my god you would never guess who though.”

“Is it that Scotts girl?” A voice from a dark corner asked.

Both Jimmy and Rashnu turned and looked in to the corner. A match was lit and you could see it was Reggie sitting over there. A couple big black guys walked in and jimmy put his hand under the counter.

“You know something isn’t her mother Ashley? The girl that I was fucking back in middle school, you remember she became clingy after I took her virginity so I broke up with her and destroyed her heart. Any who, I wonder if she still has feelings for me. I mean I wonder if she like so much that she would get her daughter to get your son to spend the night to die.

“You son of bitch if you lay one hand on my son-”

“Oh relax Rashnu; nothing will happen to your son as long as you cooperate.”

Reggie then cut his eyes to Jimmy.

“Hey Jimbo, I think your daughter Zaira, need your help back there in the back. We wouldn’t want nothing to happen to you two that ya’ll had nothing to do with.

“Daddy!” A young woman voice cried from the back. Jimmy looked at Reggie evilly.

“How can you do this to friends?” Jimmy asked.

“Friends? Ha! Please Jimmy don’t make me laugh now care yo Italian lookin ass back there with yo daughter while I conduct business. Jimmy gripped the back of the object under the bar. The big black guys all pulled out pistols and pointed them at Jimmy.

“Jimmy, I am good, go ahead back there with your daughter.”

“Are you sure Rashnu?”

“Yeah, aye Jimmy just promise me you will give her a kiss for me, and if you can, make sure my son has a place to stay. I know he will be good at your home being James is his best friend and he done had the biggest crush on Zaira for the longest.” Tears filled Jimmy eyes as he nodded and went to the back where his daughter was.

J Styles then walked in. Him and Mr. Kalifia exchange looks as he went behind the counter and pulled out to glass cup. He filled both with Paul Mason. He slid one cup to Mr. Kalifia and walked over and garbed a chair and sat it right in front of him.

Mr. Kalifia smiled and said, “This is was our favorite drink back in the day wasn’t it?”

“Oh yeah, I still remember them days when it was me, you, Jasmine, Qutashia, that faggot ass white boy over there, and Sarah use to sit around at my crib and drink this shit all day.”

Mr. Kalifia laughed as his eyes began to tear up. “Yep that was the good ol’ days before we all went different paths.”

“Yep.” J styles said as he took a couple of sips out of his cup. He then stood up and pulled out a five-seven handgun and pointed it at Mr. Kalifia.

“How’s Samantha?” Mr. Kalifia asked.

“She is okay. She actually told me her dreams.”

“Oh yeah what was they?” Mr. Kalifia asked as he sipped out his cup.

“She wants to be like her Uncle Rashnu and become a judge. A couple of years ago when I got home from prison I just knew my baby was going to be everywhere hooked on drugs, fucking like her thottin ass mother, and so many more horrible things but to my surprise she wasn’t. And on top of that she was a straight A student and is going to graduate this year with honors, and I owe it all to you man. You kept my baby girl a float when I was gone.”

“Hey that’s what friends are for right?”

“Yeah man, I really do pray that Qutashia is at the front gate waiting for you man.”

“I do to.”

Rashnu said as he swallowed the rest of his glass. Right after that a single gunshot went off and Reggie and them fled the scene with a dead, headshot judge in the bar.

Later in the week they held Rashnu funeral and Kinte was all alone. Both his mother and father was gone, and Adrina stop talking to him. He was lost and one night he had overheard Jimmy talking to his wife and heard that Reggie and J styles were the one responsible for the death of his father.

That next week………………………………

“Hey Kinte………”

“Yeah James?”

“You know you are my best friend in the world. So do not take this the wrong way, but what you are about to do is stupid. We graduate next year with honors I know that’s what your father would want. Not for you to go out here and seek revenge for him.”

“Look James, you are my best friend and I know you have a good heart which is why I wouldn’t make you choose in between me and your morals.” Kinte then gave his best friend a hug. “But man I beg of you please don’t stop me.”

Kinte then took off to a car. The driver was Simon, James older cousin; he sold guns for the Crips in the neighborhood.

“Hurry yo slow ass up Kinte for we miss our chance to smoke these motherfuckers!” Simon yelled.

Kinte hopped in the car and James watched it drive off, but they never reached their destination, for they got pulled over by a cop doing a random check and went down for possession of illegal firearms. They both went to prison for 6 years.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Sun Jun 26, 2016 10:31 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Whoa, that's not the end is it?

Okay, so, there's a lot going on here. Which I think I was okay with up to a point, but then it started getting more and more dramatic and happening so fast that I could hardly keep up. Let's break it down a little at a time.

1. Kinte gets in a fight on the bus and is unfairly suspended from school for standing up for himself. While his father is initially displeased, later on he realizes he's been too hard on Kinte and meets with the principal to discuss what really happened. At his urging, Kinte's bully is punished instead of Kinte.

2. The bully's father is angry and visits a gang to have Kinte's father killed.

3. Kinte is asked to prom by the girl of his dreams.

4. The gang kills Kinte's father.

5. Kinte leaves to get revenge but is arrested.

That's an awful lot for a chapter. I'd actually forgotten this was a chapter of something until I scanned Nate's review. It seems more like a story that started off as a short story but then outgrew itself.

I like the way this started out, with Kinte standing up for himself and getting unjustly suspended but, thanks to his father, receiving real justice in the end. From there it got a little, well, wacky. Reggie wants Rashnu killed because Rashnu got his kid suspended? Whoa. I mean, to be fair, Reggie seems like an awful person, so...I guess that's not too far-fetched, but then Rashnu just sits there and lets J kill him. Like, no. You have a teenage son with no mother, sir. You need to be around for him if at all possible and you don't even try to get out of it.

Additionally, I think before we see Kinte running off to get revenge we need to see his immediate reaction to his father's death. We need to see him be a mess. What about the funeral? What about his living arrangements and the fact that he's now an orphan?

The prom bit seemed out of place with the rest, especially since Adrina was dating Randy but then suddenly asked Kinte to prom for no apparent reason. Not that there's no reason to ask Kinte in general, but I thought it was weird for this specific girl (supposedly dating someone else at the time) to ask this specific boy to a dance.

On the note of Adrina: no cup sizes, my friend. For one thing, you don't need to be so specific when describing characters' physical appearances. For another, why is someone staring at a girl's breasts long enough to determine their cup size and also how are they so well-versed in which breast is which cup size? Like it's hard enough for us to buy bras, and we're actually the ones who have breasts. So it was just kind of odd as well as a bit uncomfortable (although I realize that a straight teenage boy being the main character does mean the breasts are going to get noticed. But still. They don't have to be noticed in that much detail.) Similarly, height. It's fine to let us know someone is tall or short, but once you get into actual measurements, well, most people don't have a good visualization for that (unless one of the characters happens to be their height).

But before you worry about details like that, I suggest reining in the plot. Considering this is a chapter - well, I have zip idea what the chapters before are about, and I have no idea where the next chapter would go from here. If this really is intended as a chapter of something, I suggest slowing it down. Break it into several chapters, each dealing with their own issue.

Before I leave, I just wanted to say that I loved the scene where Kinte's father went to bat for him. Not only that he actually went in to talk to the principal, but the fact that he made them look at the evidence (the video from the bus) and also called out the school for letting their star football player off the hook (which frequently happens in real-life athletics). It was admirable.




Holiday30 says...


Blue Africa, thank you for the review, I am sorry if I offended you as a woman. I wasn't trying to sound sexual or anything I was just trying to describe the girl so that the readers could see her as I seen her in my mind. Technically, all the chapters from chapter 2 to the end are like many stories from both main characters past. See this story just don't have one main charters, it has two. I also see you thought the prom part was out of place, but if you would go back and read you see Reggie says that he got Adrina to set up Kinte to go prom with her. If Rashnu wouldn't comply with dying then Reggie would have got Adrina family to do it. Reggie has alot of pull over the city he stay in so he had the power to influnce anyone to see from his point of view. That's also why Rashnu did not fight back, but instead just excepted his fate, so his son could live.



BluesClues says...


About the description: I wasn't actually offended, although I do appreciate your apology. It was very sweet of you. But it really just seemed like an awkward way to describe people. Especially since, well, to be frank, B and C cups are fairly average sizes, so you could just stick with "small," "average," "large" if you're showing a high school boy thinking about girls' chests, rather than getting so specific (especially since I'd think the average boy wouldn't be able to tell a girl's cup size at a glance, right?)

I'd forgotten about the setting him up for prom by the time I reached Adrina actually asking him out, so maybe you could do something to remind the reader by the time they get there? Also, just to clarify: so does that mean if Rashnu like ran off instead of just sitting there and agreeing to die, Adrina's family would've killed Kinte because he would've been at her house where they could get at him? I guess I'm just not sure I understand that part.



Holiday30 says...


Ms. Blue Africa, I see what you saying about the average high school boy knowing, this info....lol I actually had to go look up that info myself.....confusing as ever, by the way let me just say after seeing all those different size and thing of that nature I am glad I am not a girl, and I have more respect for women now....y'all go through a lot. Anyway, I really didn't dabble on thought whether or not the Scotts would have killed Kinte or not since I already knew what type of Character Rashnu was. He loved his son more than anything, which means whether or not Reggie was bluffing didn't matter. Rashnu only thought was protecting his son.



BluesClues says...


Okay, I can see that about Rashnu. He did yell at Kinte and kind of throw him across the room a little bit in that one scene, but I loved how he went to bat for his son as soon as he found out that Kinte was just standing up for himself.



User avatar
494 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 494

Donate
Sun Jun 26, 2016 10:29 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! C:

I would have to agree with Nate; you go a bit overboard with the character descriptions. It get kind of boring after awhile reading about this height and her weight and his shoulder width and her boob size and the length of his leg hairs. ;) I get that you want people to picture your characters how you see them, but the best way to do this is to be more abstract in my opinion. One thing I've found really helped me when it comes to descriptions, is poetry. When I started getting interested and learning/writing poetry, my prose improved immensely. Something you may want to consider! ^_^

Something that bothers me about this piece... at the beginning the MC is going on and on and on about how amazing this girl is and how beautiful she is and how flawless and perfect and hot- and damn that booty! Yeah, personally I find that that's off-putting- the character that's thinking like that just seems very shallow to me. It's okay to like how someone looks, and think they look absolutely perfect... but the fact that that's all he's thinking about- not her personality or her quirks or what she's good at or her history... really turns me off that character.

And then it's something similar with how the bullies are acting... but not quite. I feel like that's a real cliche of how bullies act. Honestly I'd like to see more people explore the other side of bullies- why are they doing what they're doing? It's seldom that they just feel like being a jerk. There's a triangle of abuse and bullying, and it has to stop somewhere. I wish more people would try to portray that. So maybe rethink your bullies? Why are thy doing what they're doing? What burnt them first? Why didn't it stop there?


She had pixie braids


What are pixie braids? I've never heard of them before.

Anyway, keep it up!

-Socks




Holiday30 says...


Thank you socks, Sorry if I went overboard with describing Adrina. I just want people to see her like I did in my head, as Kinte seen her. I will try harder not to sound so sexual when describing another female in my book.



User avatar
425 Reviews


Points: 11417
Reviews: 425

Donate
Sun Jun 26, 2016 9:22 pm
Nate wrote a review...



I haven't read the first two chapters, but I briefly looked at them, and this chapter seems to be mostly a self-contained story. The other two either take place in a different area or different time.

Plot wise, there's too much going on. The chapter essentially begins with a fight, and you introduce over half a dozen characters in just the first several paragraphs. Instead of starting it that way, begin slowly. Perhaps have Kinte and James walking somewhere. Or, begin when Kinte is waking up in the nurse's office. That way too, you can avoid describing the fight, which is what a lot of authors tend to do (writing fight scenes is difficult to do well).

Regarding character descriptions, it's okay to be less specific. You don't need to say the exact height, or the exact cup size of a bra. It's okay to say something / something was little or big, and then leave the rest to the reader's imagination. The problem when you start getting too specific is it gets hard to imagine any character at all.

Try limiting the dialogue as well, or spending more time on scene descriptions. When you have too much dialogue, it gets difficult to remember who's talking or who's who. Break it up be describing what the character is seeing and feeling. A lot of times, you might not need any dialogue at all.

One scene I thought you did particularly well though was when Kinte's dad came back from work. There were only three characters at first, so it was easy to keep of who was talking. Not only that, but the way the dialogue was written, it was very easy to follow along. You spent just the right amount of time in describing the scene, and you did a good job with introducing it.

I thought the ending was pretty good as well. I like the bar scene, and it sad how it ends. The gunshot was sudden, but it's supposed to be sudden. However, the last paragraph was completely out of the blue. Not to mention unrealistic. Someone who just said "smoke these mofos" is not going to wait patiently during a random check. They're going to press the accelerator and get out of there!




Holiday30 says...


I see what you saying, Honestly I wanted to add in the fact that Simon car was being watched anyway, you know being that he moved and sold guns for the neighborhood crips, but the chapter was already lengthy and I didnt want to make it super long. Thank you for your thoughts though




"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso