z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Boss vs. Beast

by Holiday30


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: the Boss meets the Beast

Chapter 2: story of the past: confrontation at the bar

Chapter4: Story of the past: Kinte Kalifia

Chapter 5: Story of the past: the kid with the medal hands

 Chapter 6:story of the past: Kalifia’s first body

Chapter 7: Story of the past: Her art work was stolen

Chapter 8: story of the past:  no longer Kinte Kalifia

Chapter 9: Story of the past: I had no choice/

Chapter 10:Story of the past: Mr. Biggs run the north

Chapter 11: Story of the past: Death of Sharp fang

Chapter 12: Hiring of the lone wolf

Chapter 13: Death to some of the animal family

Chapter 14: the Beast vs. the lone wolf

Chapter 15: Death of Mr. Biggs

Chapter 1

Its year 2045 and strip club good time in New York is jumping. People from all over to come chill inside of the club that Mr. Biggs had built. Now you need money to get into this club, but to get into the V.I.P section you have to be rich…

“Hmm, hey daddy, I have never seen you here.” A stripper had spoken. She was about 4’11 to 5’0 even dark skin with black hair it stopped at her shoulders and it was curly. She had an adorable smile, and a geourgous body. Nice firm booty, nice breast, not too big and not too little.

“Nah, I am not from here. I am from Texas.” The young man with dreads answered back. He was looking down at his phone and never even looked up

“Oh is that how they dress down south?” The stripper asked.

The young man had on a pair of joggers, with a dingy white beater that had carmine color stain in it, a flight jacket, a pair of dirty black combat boots, and a black snapback with an A on it. The A had 3 claw marks across it.

“Naw, just how I dress for work.” He answered once more. He still never looked up from the phone.

The stripper seen that she did not have the young man’s attention so she put one of her legs across him and sat in his lap. She pushed him up right against the back of the chair so he would be force to look at her and not his phone.

“So daddy, I charge 15 dollars for every private dance, and if you want more then of course the commission will go up, but I leave it open for discussion.”

“I’m sorry Ms. I am not interested but maybe one of those gentlemen over there might be.” The young man said pointing to another area in the V.I.P section.

The stripper laughed, “Come on daddy, you sitting in the V.I.P. section to which means that the regular strippers aren’t doing it for you. You want more; you desire more, I can give you more.”

She then began to rub on the young man’s chest and she could feel his heart race. He breathe heavily and then pulled his hat over his eyes.

“I’m sorry but I will have to decline.” The young man said.

“Are you sure, I am told that my lap dancing can even turn the most righteous of souls to sin and my sex game can drive even the most loving and loyal husbands to divorce their wives.” The stripper whisper in his ear. She then rubbed down his thighs and felt his penis getting hard.

“I am pretty sure you can Ms. Keisha but I am here for a different reason.” The young man said.

The stripper looked at the young man with stress. She tried to get up but the young man held her there and when she went to yell out for help she felt cold steel against her belly button.

“If you so much as mumble to someone I will blow out your insides. Are we clear?” The young man asked.

“The stripper nodded her head.

“Good, now Ms. Keisha, you were in college at one point of time to become a doctor, and your grades where good, so may I ask how you ended up working as a slutish stripper?” He asked.

“How do you know who I am?” She asked.

The young Dread head took his hand off her and dug in the book bag. He then pulled out a vanilla folder and threw it on the table. “Your sister Diamond asked me to find you.”

“Diamond sent you?” The stripper asked.

“Yes, she said she aint heard from you in two years. Right after you told her, that you finally got the money to pay back your student loans. The crazy thing to your sister though is that you and she went to every bank, every loan agency, and all of your family members you two knew and none of them would even give two nickels to rub together.

The stripper just looked down.

“So where did you get the money Keisha?”

She did not answer.

“Did you get it from Mr. Biggs?”

The stripper face lit up as she stared into the young man’s big eyes.

“I thought so.” He said as he took his gun away from her belly button. “Dig your hand into my right coat pocket.” He demanded.

The stripper hesitated at first…

“Well go on, or do I need to get the gun back involved?”

The stripper quickly dug her hand into his right coat pocket. She pulled out a fat stack of hundreds. She looked at the young man.

“That’s 50 g’s right there. There is another 50 grand in the car I drove here. It’s a black a gold Tesla Model S. The keys are on the inside of the car.”

The club got loud with claps and cheers. The stripper looked over and seen Mr. Biggs come in and he had a group of thugs with him. The stripper began to sweat and started to get up when the young Dread head grabbed her.

“Trust me, I want let them hurt you.”

She looked at him directly in his eyes and for the first time in a long time she felt safe. She felt like she could trust him.

“Now the car already has gas in it. Ride it till all the gas is gone and the car comes to a complete stop. Do not stop for gas. Once the car stop there should be a pathway a couple miles up from where the car will stop. Take it all the way down. It will take you a bust stop. There you will meet a white woman with long blonde hair, with a camo jacket, sports bra, camo pants, and a camo hat. On the hat it will have an A with three claw marks in it. She will ask you what your favorite animal is. You will say a wolf because unlike any other animal a wolf is loyal to its family and will defend its pack till its dead. Once you say that she will give you a ticket and a new I.D. You will ride the bus, and don’t worry you won’t be alone. There will be someone there for you so you will never fall back into the whole you are in now. She promised me that and I could see in her eyes she was a woman of her word.” The young man said as he let her go. “Go ahead love get out of here.”

The stripper began to leave when…

“Keisha baby where you going? I see you made some good money from this man. Wow you must have put it on him. Now be the good little bitch you are and bring yo daddy his money.” Mr. Biggs smiled as he motioned his finger for her to come to him.

She looked at Mr. Biggs then looked at the young man with dreads. He nudged his head towards the exit and without hesitation she ran down the stairs and out the door.

“Why that little bitch, I will break her face.” One of the thugs said as he started to go after her. Mr. Biggs though stopped him.

“We will deal with that bitch later. We have a different problem right here in front of us who we need to attend to. Mr. Biggs said as he fixed his suit coat.

“The young Dread head man cracked open a bottle of Hennessey that was left at the table for V.I.P’s.

“Would you guys like a drink?” The dread head man asked.

“Naw I am good, what about you fellas, yous thirsty?” Mr. Biggs asked the thugs behind him. None of them answered back just stared at the young dread head guy that sat in front of them.

“I think they good to, so you go ahead and enjoy.” Mr. Biggs said as he made the hand gestured for the young dread head guy to go ahead and drink.

“Okay suit yourself.” The young dread headed man said as he took his drink to the head. He then slammed the cup down on the table. “Damn that was some good shit.”

“Well, here at Good Times, we try to show our clientele the best time of their life, because they never know when it will end.” Mr. Biggs said as he snapped his fingers. One of his thugs pulled out a thing of toothpicks. Mr. Biggs grabbed two out the box a nudged his head. The thug then took one and so did all the other thugs. They then put the toothpick in their mouth simultaneously to when Mr. Biggs had put his in his mouth.

“Toothpick?” He asked as held it out there for the young dread head man.

“Naw, I am good.” The dread head guy said.

“You sure? I mean you would look more thuggish if you had this in yo mouth. It will even make us give some respect you are demanding right now.” Mr. Biggs convincingly said.

“You think so?” The young man with dreads asked.

“I know so.” Mr. Biggs said as he put the tooth pick in the young man’s hand.

He took it and put it in his mouth.

“Now you look the part.” Mr. Biggs said with a smile.

“Yeah I feel tougher as well.” The young dread head man said.

Mr. Biggs fixed his coat once more before he took a seat. “So now, I gave you the respect you deserve I feel like you should give me my respect.”

“Oh, well please go on and tell me how can I give your respect.”

“Well first, can you tell me how the fuck you got into my club dress like that… further more into the V.I.P. section?”

“Well that is easy to answer.”

“Is it? Because I use to think I had the best security in the world.”

“Well security don’t mean shit if you got security by the balls.” The young dread head man then showed Mr. Biggs a picture that was on his phone.

“Hey that’s Antoinette.” One thug said.

“Yeah and isn’t that Joey Jr.” Another thug said. The picture showed a woman and little boy tied up, gaged, and blind folded.

“You know your friend Killer, instantly became bitch made once he seen his girlfriend and his son like this. He got on to the V.I.P. list, and that’s how I am here now. He did give me a suit to where but I figure what the hell I should come as who I am and here I am.” The young Dread head man explained.

Mr. Biggs nodded his head a couple of times before speaking. “Okay you got my attention, fuck do you want.”

“I want to buy Keisha freedom.” The young dread head man said.

Mr. Biggs began to laugh and his thugs soon joined in.

The young dread head did not smile or laugh as his eyes laid on the laughing Mr. Biggs.

Mr. Biggs finally stop laughing as he wiped a tear from his eye.

“Whoo, kid you got me. Here I thought he was going to demand something realistic like guns, money, cars…something negotiable.”

“Look I am willing to pay.” The young man with dreads confessed.

“You got 100 million. Because that’s what she’s worth.”

“That’s absurd, she only borrowed 100k from you, surely she had made back that money and then some for you.” The young man with dreads said.

“Oh for sure, but you see she been making so much money as my little V.I.P. slut I thought I should keep her around I mean she is a wonderful employee and I hate to let her go.” Mr. Biggs answered back.

The young man with dreads began to grind his teeth and bald his fist. He then closed his eyes and dug his his coat pocket. He pulled out a check book and wrote out a check for a 100 million.

“Here” He said as he slid the check over to Mr. Biggs. Mr. Biggs started to laugh.

“Man this is so a cliché, déjà vu if you will. I swear we just seen something like this. Aye butch where the fuck did we see this at?”

“Boss, the movie…what was it call, with Denzel Washington in it.” The thug named Butch said.

“Do you remember what it was called?” Mr. Biggs asked.

“I think Equalizer boss.” Butch said.

Mr. Biggs clapped his hands together and then snapped and pointed at Butch.

“Damn sure was, thank you Butch.” Mr. Biggs said as he shifted his focus back to the young Dread headed man.

“So tell me boy, do you think of yourself as an equalizer? Do you think you are Denzel Washington?

“Well most people have said I looked like him but in my opinion I look better.” The young man argued back.

Mr. Biggs burst into laughter.

“So let me get this straight. I got a better looking Denzel Washington, who scared one of the coldest mother fuckers I know into getting him onto the V.I.P list in my club recasting the roles for a better and up to date version of a classic movie. Is that right?”

“Well you left out one part.” The young man with dreads said.

“Oh yeah? What is that?” Mr. Biggs asked a quizzically.

“That you take the check and no dies in this club tonight.” The young dread head man answered.

“Is that right? So if I turn down your offer, someone will die here tonight?” Mr. Biggs asked as he nodded his head.

“Well that’s defiantly an outcome. But if it’s avoidable then I want to take that route. I have paid the amount you have asked for so please let’s just do business like two smart grown men that we are.”

“Can I think on and get back to you?”

“Sure take as much time as you need.”

Mr. Biggs sat there for a moment and ponder for just a few seconds. “Okay I have come to a decision.”

The young dread head man watched Mr. Biggs pick up the check and ripped it into a million shreds.

“Fuck you and yo money. Butch, DJ end this fool and dispose of his corps on the outside of town. Mike and Simon go and find Keisha and bring her ass back here. I think we let her play runaway slave long enough. Oh but thanks for the laughs man, you was funny.” Mr. Biggs got up and fixed his coat once more before walking away.

“Wait Mr. Biggs, please don’t do this. I made a promise to a very close friend to me that I would never become the monster I use to be, and I really don’t want to break that promise.” The young Dread Head man said.

“Oh yeah? Well fuck your bitch ass friend, and that punk ass promise you made to him.” Mr. Biggs chuckled as he turned his back and started towards the stairs. Butch started to come towards the young man with dreads.

The young boy with dreads closed his eyes and whisper, “Sharp Fang, forgive me my friend but I have to go back on my promise tonight.”

Butch then grabbed the young man up in his collar as he picked him up. His feet dangled about 6 inches off the ground.

“Tonight you are my bitch.” Butch said with a smile.

That’s when the young man with dreads eyes popped open as he grabbed the Hennessey bottle and smashed it over top of Butch’s head. Butch instantly dropped as Mr. Biggs turned around to the smashing of glass sound.

DJ came and swung on the dread headed man. The young dread headed man blocked his punch and pulled out a Karambit out of his coat as he stabbed the DJ in the leg, then in the side. He then punch DJ in face and knocked him out cold. Simon and Mike both looked at each other than Mr. Biggs.

“Shoot him.” Mr. Biggs yelled.

Simon and Mike both pulled out there guns and the young man with dreads quickly ran and jumped behind the booth he was sitting at. Simon and Mike began to let rounds go as people began to run out the club screaming. They continued to shoot until the gun’s clip was empty. The club was completely empty of people except for Mike, Simon, Mr. Biggs, the knocked out cold DJ and unconscious Butch, and the dread headed young man who was presumed to be dead.

Mr. Biggs smiled and said, “Good job Mike and Simon. Now get rid of the body before the cops come.”

Mike and Simon both smiled as they started to put their guns away, when a bullet shot came from behind the booth and shot Mike in the neck. Mr. Biggs eye got wide and by time he turned to Simon he seen him falling from a head shot. Both Mike and Simon lay in their puddle of blood as Mr. Biggs heard a gun getting cocked back. He put his hands up and stared into the eyes of the young Dread headed man who had a gun pointed at him.

“Whoa, now think about this kid. There was gun shots, people ran out of here, and there are 4 bodys and two of them are dead, with the possibility of there being a third. Because you fucked DJ up.” Mr. Biggs said as he began to back up. Without hesitation the dread headed young man shot Mr. Biggs twice in his leg. Mr. Biggs screamed out with pain as he collapsed to the ground. You could hear the police siren fill the building as Mr. Biggs try to get himself together. Once he came to he notice that he was staring down the barrel of a gun. A smile crept on his face.

“Go ahead… mother fucker you bad, pull the trigger. You will never get away with it. I own half of NYPD, and thugs who if they hear I am dead they are coming after the mother fucker who pulled the trigger.”

“No I am not going to kill you. Enough blood has shed today.” The young man with dreads said as he went to go grab his book bag.

He started down the stairs when…

“Aye you coward! Finish the job. You scared? Are your balls not as big as you make them seem?” Mr. Biggs asked as he drug his body across the floor towards the young dread head man.

The young Dread head man just turned to him. “Sometimes to prove how big your balls are you have to know when to say it’s enough, and I have enough. Ms. Keisha is free now to live her life, the one she deserves, and that’s enough for me.

“If you allow me to live I will spend every second hunting you down like the animal you are!”

“That’s fine, I sure Sharp fang, Head wolf, Blue wolf, my mom and my siblings are all at the gate, just waiting to greet me. I am okay with dying if that’s what it comes to.” The young man with dreads disappeared, and a few seconds later the police arrived there.

“Well Mr. Biggs, what a surprise. Three bodies in your club, drugs on you, and I am pretty sure those guns in your trunk aren’t register.” A cop antagonized Mr. Biggs.

Mr. Biggs didn’t say word.

“Oh don’t worry; we got a nice comfy seat down at the precinct for you. Aye make sure you call that high price lawyer down there. I would love to hear him explained what happen here tonight with his smooth talking ass.” The cop yelled out to Mr. Biggs as the emergency people helped into the ambulance.

A couple of weeks later Rikers……………………………………………………………

A bell buzz as Mr. Biggs walked out to a table where his lawyer was at. He had on a prisoner jumper and was handcuffed.

“So what’s up James?” Mr. Biggs asked as he sat down.

“Well did you know the Knicks are up for a big win tonight?”

“Is that right?”

“Yeah, I heard Judge Mclians say it himself.”

“And what about Carmelo Anthony? What do you think he will do tonight?”

“Who, that seven??? What else, he plans to fade away.”

Mr. Biggs smiled and said “Okay, that’s what’s up. Now that we have handled that, we need to handle that other problem.”

“Oh yes, so I went back and looked into the guy who was in your club, and if anything you lucky you are alive.”

“Why is that?”

“Because your new friend is none other than the notorious killer, and leader of the most fear gang in all of America.”

Mr. Biggs looked puzzled.

“The Devil’s Texas beast was your guests of honor last night.”

Mr. Biggs bust out laughing, but quickly stop when he seen the serious look on his lawyers face.

“Wait you serious?”

“Dead.”

“But wait I didn’t he die in some weird fire, or something or another?”

“Well that’s what the police thought, especially since the finger print matched the Devil’s Texas Beast on file. His real name in the system is Thomas Booker.”

“So, this kid has to be a copycat.”

“Are you sure Biggs? This kid was able to take out four guys who had 50 plus pounds on him, and then two of the four shot at him, unloading a full clip and not one bullet hit him. What’s even scarier is that he had crazy pin marksmanship. It only took him two shots to kill two guys who spent their lives dodging bullets.”

Mr. Biggs nodded his head in agreement to what his lawyer was saying.

“Okay so let’s say you right. How the fuck did this kid pull off being dead and lay low for 2 years. Most importantly why would he aim for me?

“Well I think I can answer both. You know Keisha had a sister right? Well she been calling Keisha for the past year but because you are who you are you didn’t allow Keisha to talk to her sister. So somehow she got The Devil’s Texas Beast to help her. And as far as how he was dead but wasn’t dead…..” The lawyer said as he went inside his satchel. He pulled out pictures and laid them on the table. Mr. Biggs began looking at the pictures.

“You see I got the thinking, how could this Guy Thomas be dead if he was in your club. I did some snooping and came across something interesting. It seemed that this guy Thomas Booker was only here for ten years. Which means that this guy had to be an alias for someone of the past? So I started to snoop even harder, and found out that the FBI also believes this as well. So I called up my friend who works for them and he gave me there theory. Because the big guy body that they also found in the flames was supposedly Sharp Tooth, the original leader of The Devil’s Texas Beast. They were supposedly best friends, and Sharp Tooth real name was in fact, Mario Wolfe Jr. Then my friend in the FBI told me that they did extensive investigation and found out that Mario Wolfe never hung out with a Thomas Booker. His family never heard of a Thomas Booker. So how can this guy and Sharp Tooth, be best friends if there is no history in between them. Well that answer lies in this picture right here.

Mr. Biggs eyes got big as he looked at the photo. “That’s him. This kid in this photo looks like the younger version of the dread headed man from the club.

“I thought so, so I did my own investigation and found out that this kid name was Kendric Ashbrook. Son of Kendré Ashbrook and Sonrisa Ashbrook. He had two brothers and a sister. He was the second to the oldest. His older sibling died however in an unfortunate gun shoot out in between to gangs.”

“Okay why is this important to me?” Mr. Biggs asked.

“I am getting there do not rush me.” The lawyer shot back. Mr. Biggs rolled his eyes.

“Okay now Kendré Ashbrook eldest boy was killed in a gang war right? The two gangs was Gatillo fácil bailarín del tango, and The Wolf pack. Kendré Ashbrook was part of the wolf pack. He was known as blue wolf who was good friends with the Head wolf also known as Mario Wolfe.”

“Wow.” Mr. Biggs said as he picked up the picture of the wolf pack gang.

“Oh but it gets better, his eldest child, the one killed in the shootout, guess what his name was.”

Mr. Biggs looked with great anticipation, awaiting his lawyers answer.

“Thomas Booker.”

“Oh shit!” Mr. Biggs yelled out. The guards quickly came over but the lawyer put up his hand.

“I am sorry, I caught him by surprise we good in here.” The guards then went back to at ease once they went back to their post.

The lawyer looked at Mr. Biggs who was sucking up all the info like a sponge.

“So that’s how that kid did it. Okay I get it now. But wait wasn’t all the gang members killed by one of their own?”

“Yes, by that one in the middle of the Head wolf and Blue wolf. He was known as the lone wolf. Apparently he was close friends with Blue and Head.”

“Lone wolf? That sounds so familiar.”

“Well it should. He is number one on the FBI’s top ten list, and your guest of honor is number 2 now since the old number two, Sharp Fang is dead.”

Mr. Biggs nodded his head but stopped. “Wait this family the Ashbrooks; I thought they were killed in a different way?”

“They were. The lone wolf didn’t get to Kendré, because he was already dead. This further makes my assumptions on this guy’s true identity even more accurate.”

“Oh yeah, how so?”

“Well The Ashbrooks, was killed by the old number 4 on the FBI’s top ten list back ten years ago. Do you remember who that was?”

Mr. Biggs thought for a minute before snapping his fingers. “That weird ass assassin mother fucker that killed that killed other mother fuckers using boa constrictors.”

“Yep, he is name was Kenneth Devils aka The Texas Devil, and apparently he’s the one who killed the Ashbrooks.”

Mr. Biggs nodded, “Right because he did kill the Ashbrooks. The police determined that.”

“How?”

“By the snakes’ shit.”

The lawyer started to laugh. “You wanna know something. I heard an old wives’ tale about snakes. There stomach acid is so powerful that when they leave their feces, there is no way to determine what they ate.”

“Pshh, that can’t be true.”

“Oh yeah, then how come everytime the police arrested Devils the court had to dismiss him because they could not prove he killed anyone. They had the murder weapon; they knew how he did it but could not prove he did it.”

Mr. Biggs nodded as though he started to see the big picture.

“Oh, but this is why I believe that your guest of honor and Kendric Ashbrooks is one and in the same.”

“Okay I am listening.”

“A couple of weeks before Kenneth Devils was supposed to go to trial for the murder of the Ashbrooks. The police found him and all his boa Constrictors dead with a message left on the wall in blood. ‘I am Thomas Booker and I have come back from the dead to avenge my family who were wrongfully killed by this man and his pets. After killing him I have earned the right to call myself the Devil’s Texas Beast.’”

Mr. Biggs began to nod his head and put his hands together as he took in what was just told to him.

“Hey five more minutes.” A guard said as walked by the gate.

“So what do you want done?” The lawyer asked.

Mr. Biggs smiled, “I give a fuck he’s Kendric, Thomas, or the devil himself. Hell I don’t even care if he’s Jesus, I want his head, and I want it before I get out of prison.

“I thought you might say that, so I went ahead and started to look for the best man to do this job.” The Lawyer smiled back as he got up. He fixed his suit jacket and put a toothpick in his mouth.

“Who?” Mr. Biggs asked.

“Who else? The Devil’s Texas Beast is still only number 2 which means he still second best to someone.” The lawyer answered back as he pointed to the lone wolf. 


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494 Reviews


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 5:43 am
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! Care for a review this lovely review day?

So you have a pretty good start here. I like the idea that he's trying to get the stripper out of there, and stuff- when she said she felt safe for the first time in a long time I felt I could empathise with her. I can't even imagine. It must be awful having to pretend everyday that you're fine with people getting all up in personal with you, abusing you, etc.

Why is this in bold though? It just makes it hard on the eyes... and then you cant use bold when you actually need it!

Its year 2045 and strip club good time in New York is jumping.


You started off really awkward here. This feels more like how a script would be written, in the first part here, or like how someone would start out if they were taking you through a mind journey: it's mid July and the grass is crunching under your bare feet... It also goes from present tense to past tense. "Is" is a present word. Here's an example of what happened in the rest of your story:

Mr. Biggs eyes got big as he looked at the photo.


So yeah, you switched to past tense. "got" and "looked" are past tense words. I feel like this story worked better in past tense overall- you seem to write it pretty well. So you might want to quickly change the beginning to past tense- or figure out what you want to do! Lately I've been having the trouble where I switch my tenses up, too; it's not fun. :/

"...It’s a black a gold Tesla Model S. The keys are on the inside of the car.”


I like his choice of car! The only thing is he mentions that it's full of gas, and Tesla's are electric cars- so they wouldn't have gas in them! That's what's so cool about Tesla's; they're electric (better for the environment) and look pretty dang happn'n.

I think you're going to do pretty well with this! The characters seem to be on the right track- it's hard to tell right off the bat here, but you seem to know what they're all about. Keep it up!!! ^_^

-Socks




Holiday30 says...


Thank you socks



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Sun May 29, 2016 6:10 am
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haredrier wrote a review...



While I am a fan of crime/ gangster stories, there were quite a few things that I found off-putting about this story.

Firstly, there are a large amount of grammatical errors in your story. There are too many to list here, and I'd suggest looking over the whole story again and editing it. The story is still understandable, but having so many typos is fairly off-putting to the reader.

Secondly, the dialogue feels strange. Mr. Biggs has an over-the-top thug/ ghetto accent which cuts though the dialogue and adds some character. You'd imagine someone from Texas, a place known for its accent would have something similar, especially one who works dirty jobs in the streets. However, his dialogue and lines are far too standard, making him seem incredibly bland and void of personality. Aside from this, he acts far too nice and polite for someone in his position, and comes off as unintimidating, which would be terrible in his line of work. The differences between speech styles feels like a conversation between a Jalapeno and a jar of mayonnaise with dreads, while in reality both characters should have some personality to their speech, instead of having two extremes.

Aside from this, the job itself that the Texan is doing is not something that one would normally ask a killer for help with. Helping whores return home feels like charity work and comepletely goes against his "tough guy killer" reputation. It feels highly implausible that someone who has made a living off of being a notorious killer and gang leader wouldn't go out of his way to do something like that, at most he'd send a few of his men who are quick thinkers with sharp tongues, as well as a goon or two.

Message me if you have any more questions or need help with something, I'm always glad to help out a fellow writer.

-Haredrier




Holiday30 says...


Thanks Haredrier. Lol and I think I will message you, however I will say this, I have the Texan coming off like this for a reason like you said, his soft voice and politness doesnt fit the name nor the reputation he was given in the streets. I kind of suck at accents so it is hard for me to give the Texan the Texas accent but overall I wanted to build him this way. If you could remember he mention a promise that he made to his friend. That's what changed him.....but I did like your review and thanks



haredrier says...


No problem, message me anytime. I just want to say that trying to change for a friend can help characterizing him as a better person, but if he really is the man who earned that reputation he should at least relapse a but and find it harder to take the nice approach as opposed to playing rough and dirty. Since he would have made it a habit to kill and beat people to get what he wants, it would be difficult to completely change. In any case you have some potential,keep up the good work!




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