Laying on the couch, Milo slowly opened his eyes to the screeching sound of creaking wood; somebody was walking through the apartments.
“Uh…” He growled in complaint, as he stretched his arms out of exhaustion. “Wasn’t this place almost empty?”
He rolled out of the dusty couch and put on his gray and green sweater. Grabbing a broom, he walked outside.
“Hey, Josh… I promise I will be paying the rent money tomorrow, just please let me clean the halls for the last couple of dollars I need.” He said, his voice echoing through the empty halls.
Strangely enough, there was no response back.
“Josh?” He repeated again, no voice answering back.
No one seemed to be there, the building was completely empty. The deafening silence gave an eerie vibe to the place. It looked like a weird nightmare. A ‘no one is left’ type of nightmare.
“Ohh… this is another one of those dreams, I am oversleeping again, and I’ll wake up at any moment now!” he guessed, delusionally.
“I guess I will wait until I wake up then-” He told himself, puzzled, before being cut off by the sound of a loud stomp, which echoed through the hallways like a gunshot.
Milo's body immediately tensed up, sending chills down his spine. Other steps followed, getting consecutively louder and louder as the mysterious being approached.
Quickly snapping back into reality, he instinctively rushed back to his room.
“Wh- who is there?” He managed to murmure, sticking his head out, with no more than a faint growl as a response back.
“Wait- No! I won’t be bossed around.” He told himself, his voice still shaking.
Full of stupidity, and quite a lot of bravery, he sneakily slid out of his room, trying to not be heard. He tiptoed down into the halls, then around the corner…
“Brr… Brr… Brains…” A raspy voice said, seemingly not from too far away from him.
“Hey… sir…” Milo managed to say, his voice small as his body shrunk not to be seen. “I think you're in the wrong floor-”
Bam! In an instant, a rotten zombie jumped out of the halls.
“What the hell is that thing?!” He yelped, falling back onto the floor. “Where is everyone?!”
The undead immediately locked eyes with him, a hungry look on its face. The zombie seemed to be frozen in place, as if it couldn’t recognize Milo as an object or prey.
Although seemingly brave, having to be eye to eye with the monster almost made Milo pass out.
“Wh- wha- what do i do?!?” He thought to himself in a panic, trying his best to not die here.
Unknowingly, Milo twitched his eye, enough for the zombie to recognize him as alive. Almost instantly, the monster charged forward, barely missing Milo’s neck.
Frightened, he dashed back to his room, the zombie close behind. Instinctively, he slammed the door shut, leaving the creature outside.
Running to the corner of his room, he desperately looked for some sort of weapon to defend himself with.
“A fork?! That’s it?!” He exclaimed in horror. He had sold almost every one of his utensils, with the plan of buying new ones when he had the money.
He frantically grabbed the fork and hid away in the corner of his apartment. Slow steps approached his door, sending shivers down his spine, as the growl of the zombie signaled that it knew where he was.
“Please tell me it backed away.. Or that it forgot where I am.” Milo mumbled to himself, staring at the door with a frightened expression.
That's when he saw it. Going in on such a rush, he forgot to lock the door.
“Fuck.” He said to himself, thoughtlessly jumping forward to try cover the door.
To his horror, the loud slam on the floor only aggravated the creature further, causing it to begin trying to tear off the wooden door.
“Back away!” Milo shouted impulsively, trying to scare it away.
Surprisingly, the creature stopped, then, it seemingly backed away quietly.
“Thank God-” he said, breathless.
To no one's surprise, the creature came back, this time accelerating. It planned on breaking through the door with its own body.
“Wait- no, no, no!” He said, frozen in place, unable to think well. “S- STOP?!?”
Having given Milo no time to react, the creature slammed the door open before he could move away. Milo was sent flying, face first against the wall.
“Stay back! I… I have a weapon!” Milo said with a shaky voice as he crawled back up from the floor, pointing his fork at the zombie.
Unfortunately for the young teen, zombies do not think, thus, not follow orders from anybody.
The zombie growled, slowly raising its hand, attempting to reach for Milo.
"Don't take another step!" Milo yelled in fear as he backed against the wall, having nowhere to escape to.
With one abrupt move, the zombie propelled forward, jaw open. With no time to think, he tore off a picture frame from the wall, and threw it at the zombie’s face, giving him enough time to slip away.
“Somebody, get me out of this hell hole!!” He yelled in terror as he attempted to run away.
Unfortunately, he was ever so slightly too slow, and the zombie managed to grab him by the leg pulling him back.
Kicking him in the face, Milo managed to break free, and with the little time he had, he ran towards his window. Without thinking twice, he jumped out, his only thought being survival.
“Finally-” He said under his breath, as his heart beat began to finally settle down.
Somehow, he didn't realize what he had just done until he was a couple seconds in the air, he jumped from the top floor of the apartments.
"Wow... Im' finally saf-" He thought to himself, until it finally clicked. “Wait a sec- I'm falling?!”
In a chaotic panic, he looked around desperately for anything to cling onto, but unfortunately, the closest thing he saw was the cold ground from below. Out of options, he accepted the incoming pain with such impact, closing his eyes, he prepared for the shattering of his bones.
Then… BAM! He hit the floor, with a loud thud echoing throughout the empty streets.
With such a hit, no human being could have survived, specially a child, but strangely enough, when Milo hit the floor, he didn't feel an overwhelming sense of pain, as that of crashing into a wall, but more similarly to if he was shot into a pile of pillows.
"Woah, why was that much better than i expected.?” Milo said confusedly, as he rubbed the debris off his eyes. “And I'm somehow all in one piece!”
That’s when the awful smell hit him. The overwhelming stench filled the place, but he couldn’t make out what it was, until he looked around him.
“Puah!! Eww!” He complained in disgust as he looked at his landing spot, the dumpster.
“Out of everything, why the trash?!” He said as he tried to not get caught under more trash bags. “There were some mattresses right beside the dumpster!”
“Oh, come on!” He said out loud as he looked down at his clothes, his sweater full of stains from the disgusting trash residue. “And… no! My hair is ruined too!”
Jumping out of the container, he cleaned off all the bits of food stuck to his clothing, with not smelling like rotten banana peels being his top one priority.
“That's a bit of a start..” He said, still feeling the smell. “But I really can’t go anywhere smelling like this.”
----------- • ୨ ✦ ୧ • -----------
*Side note - Milo has attention disorders, thus he forgets things he has done not so long after doing them. This causes great changes in behavior ever so often, as if nothing happened prior.
—————୨ • ✦ • ୧ —————
He snatched a cup from the trash, and with it he began collecting rainwater for him to wash off the horrible smell. After his light wash, he was now ready to continue with his journey.
“Alright..” He said cluelessly looking around. “What was I doing again?”
“Oh- right, zombies..” He said, clearing his throat, as his fears grew big once again.
Just as he finished his sentence, a building collapsed from afar, shooting dust and debris into the sky and making him jump in fright.
“I guess things have decayed quite a bit while I was gone..?” he said, looking up at the giant clouds of debris forming in the sky.
The city had been evacuated down to its core, something Milo could see as stepped out into the desolate streets. Not a single person left, just empty cars and dropped items from who desperately ran away, leaving everything behind.
“I- I guess this is better than everybody being dead.” He told himself, slowly walking through the blood stained sidewalk.
Looking at the walls of the fallen buildings, he could see many scratch marks dug into the walls, as if the people had desperately tried to escape, but failed: possibly having been dragged away by somebody, since no corpses were left behind.
Looking around, he found nothing more than destroyed buildings and crashed cars, with the whistle of the wind being the only thing interrupting the eerie silence around him. Unfortunately, this didn’t do anything but worsen his fear even further.
“So.. this went on around the whole city.’ He muttered quietly, hands shaking. “Im- alone..? Nobody is left?”
With gentle, silent steps, he slowly ventured into the city, that was, until he hit a blockage that seemed to have to end. The road was completely blocked by the remains of crushed cars, abandoned vehicles, and what seemed to have been a chaotic traffic gone wrong. The stench of gasoline filled the air, but one other distinct smell hit Milo's nose, rotten flesh.
With his curiosity drawing him closer, he couldn't help but approach one of the ruined cars to find out what this awful stench was.
“Oh- please no- tell me it's anything but a corpse..” He thought to himself, body trembling as he hesitantly glanced over the broken glass.
To his horror, this was the worst outcome he imagined. This was no zombie, but a dead body. A human body to be exact.
Milo jolted away from the vehicle, tripping on his own steps as he backed up. He desperately attempted erasing the scene he had just seen from his mind: He was met with a scene much more brutal than he anticipated.
The body of a dead woman was stuck to the driver's seat by her jammed seat belt, which was most likely what prevented her from running away from this terrible scene. Chunks were bitten off from her arms and a bit from neck, with a disfigured face filled with scratches and bruises from the vile creatures. Bloody stains covered the car to its entirety, telling the story of a woman who desperately fought for her life, but to no avail.
Milo was hit with a terrible gut feeling. For some reason, this felt like just the surface of whatever wicked thing had happened here.
“I’d heard some rumors of some supernatural things happening around here, but this… this is way worse than anything i could’ve ever imagined…” He said, his stomach twisting as he held himself together to not puke.
Thinking as thoroughly as he could, Milo decided to wander further into the ruins of the city, looking for flat land to be easily spotted by rescue planes.
Slowly scanning the sky, he saw nothing but the thick layers of dust being swung around by the wind, that was, until he spotted something else in the empty skies.
Shaken by what his eyes were seeing, he couldn't help but to stare in awe. Behind the clouds, the sky revealed giant tears in the sky, these revealing cracks in what seemed to be space and time.
Mesmerized by the beauty of this strange midnight sky, for a few minutes at least, he forgot his situation and problems, appreciating the beauty of this strange phenomenon - only being brought back to reality by the distant growls of zombies and other mysterious creatures.
“What happened here..?” He said under his breath, eyes wide as he stared in awe, his mind full of crazy theories on what could've caused this. “This.. This is not the same world I used to live in, there's no way-”
Although full of questions, unfortunately, those would have to wait to be answered. This world had crumbled, and he needed to find some sort of safety. The growl of the zombies only intensified ever so slightly more as he waited.
“I should probably get going..” Milo told himself as he looked behind him, the streets empty, the same streets which once were packed to the brim with people. “I don't want those creatures catching on to me.”
“Though- where can I go?” He said thinking out loud as he looked at the apocalyptic world around him.
After some long hours of wandering around, Milo settled on finding the government refuge, the same place where the mayor was sent in cases of threats. His idea was that if the refuge was meant for government officials, then it surely had some sort of equipment, or plenty of supplies which he could possibly use. The place, however, was in shambles once he got there—raided and infested with the undead.
Determined to atleast get something out of this frightening trip across the city, Milo decided to check the nearby mall.
“Hopefully there is at least something left in here.” Milo said as he walked into the building.
Although fortunately clear from dead bodies, this place was no better, having been raided as well. Going from store to store, having looked for anything useful across the entire building, he stepped out with nothing more than a flashlight he found from the toy Isle, and a small backpack which somebody left behind.
With his disappointment lingering, he decided to rest for a few minutes under a tree nearby, relaxing for the first time in the past few hours. Unfortunately for Milo, just as he began to fall asleep, he was jolted back awake by the growl of another zombie roaming nearby, sending a chill down his spine. The worst part was that this zombie sounded not farther than a few steps away behind him.
“Wha- what was that?!” He yelped as he jumped in place. “Where is that?!”
Defenseless, and unprepared, he was not in a great situation. As he slipped multiple times as he frantically stood back up, Milo caused nothing but bring more attention to himself. Luckily, the zombie did not seem to notice him, though, that was, until he thought out loud once again.
“Where is that thing..?” He said, loud and clear, as he looked around himself, speaking loud enough to be heard from the other side of the park.
As expected, the zombie detected his presence almost immediately after those words came out of his mouth. Glancing around the tree, Milo finally saw the zombie, which now seemed agitated. It was just a few steps away from himself, and it seemed hungry. Locking eyes with the creature, he knew he had to react better than last time, although he was still clueless.
In a panic attempt, Milo threw a rock far away from himself as a distraction, attempting to slip away that same moment. Unfortunately, the pebble did not even faze the zombie, which just charged in the same direction as Milo ran.
Barely slipping away, he began sprinting in circles around the park, the zombie chasing not so far behind. Gradually, Milo began slowing down, now feeling the zombie’s breath on his neck.
Just when his legs were about to give up and make him a fresh meal, he and the zombie were both stunned by the deafening sound of a sonic boom passing through the sky.
Falling to the ground, Milo caught a glimpse of a small blue meteorite leaking out of one of the cracks in the sky, passing through at incredible speeds.
The commotion stunned the zombie momentarily, long enough for Milo to climb up a tree.
“What is that thing? Is that a comet?” He said as he squinted his eyes for a better view. “Though.. Is it me, or is it that thing getting… bigger..? Like, if its going this way?”
“Actually-” He continued with a mildly happier tone, now that he observed better, “That should hit just a few blocks away!”
He saw the meteor slowly sway through the night sky, it's glow strange but somewhat calming to him, like if it was familiar. Strangely enough, it didn't seem to be moving fast at all, as if it was going to a stop. Then, all of the sudden, it took a sharp turn downwards, redirecting its trajectory towards Milo rather than passing over him. Then, it began to speed up.
“...what?” Milo said, more confused than anything. “Did it just change its path, and it intends to hit me..?”
Unable to find a way out of this fast enough, Milo just clung onto the tree for dear life.
“Please, I'm begging- hit anything but my head..” Milo muttered as he closed his eyes in fear.
As the meteorite hit land, it nearly knocked over the tree Milo was on, but fortunately, it did not hit Milo. Looking down, Milo saw the zombie, now knocked out from the broken meteor which directly hit it, likely having crushed it to death.
Milo cautiously climbed down the tree, falling next to the unconscious zombie. Glancing over the open side of the meteor, he saw a bright blue, glowing inside.
“It's a geode?” He said curiously, as he slowly opened the rock. “A blue geode at that,”
Looking inside the crystal, he saw some fragments sticking out quite more than the others, seemingly being the ones giving the meteor its light blue glow. Those fragments were larger, and were encrusted into the rock walls in a strange way, as if a glass ball had blown up, but the shards were frozen in place and covered to be kept together.
Curious, Milo reached in for the glowing shards from the geode meteor and made his way back to the mall with every piece in his backpack. Inside, he peeled off some duct tape from the advertisement posters, and used it to piece the meteorite pieces into a clump that he could hold without being cut. Although unintentionally, he realized that the shards somewhat matched each other, in a way that could possibly be built back together into a larger crystal.
Slowly but surely, he reassembled the object back together, with some cuts along the way, but still worth it to him.
After having finally put the whole thing back together, he realized this wasn't any random clump of glowing rocks, but what seemed to be a giant, foot and a half tall diamond. This beautiful crystal had a faint turquoise glow, which now was mildly brighter than before now that it was back in one piece.
“That's a shame,” Milo said disappointed, as he tried shoving the glowing diamond in his bag. “This thing is too big to fit in the backpack when it's whole.”
Against his own wishes, with a broken heart Milo decided to disassemble the crystal once again, putting the shards in his backpack.
Armed with his flashlight, Milo ventured through the other side of the abandoned mall.
“Come onnn..” He groaned in frustration. “Is there nothing anywhere anymore?”
Truly, there was almost nothing left here, empty to the bone. Stomping the ground in frustration, Milo caught the rustle of the paper below his feet. A promotional waver for the new jewelry shop that just opened.
“Hold on..” He said to himself as an idea struck him, his new determination brewing. “Could I possibly use that jewelry store to fix this rock..?”
Following the tiny map waver, he found himself at the doors of the jewelry store. To his relief, the shop still contained several of their tools, including the magnifying glasses and what seemed to be a small laser gun. Placing the diamond shards on a small tray, he directed a small light at the objects to attempt to see through them better. Utilizing one of their many magnifying glasses, Milo observed the shards up close. He quickly noticed deep cracks and scratches covering these crystals, deep and precise hits on every inch of it which made it fall apart by itself, not by any way the arts of nature.
To Milo, restoring this diamond to its original state was a lost cause, and although he hated to accept it, he had to give up on this. After all, he wasn't a professional, and he was aware of that. Nonetheless, he knew the diamond was a valuable find.
“At the very least, could I clean this better? That wouldn't hurt anybody.” He said, scratching his head as he thought of what to do with this next. “I could always keep this as a lava lamp.. Though, of course, without either lava or lamp being part of it- you know what? I'll just focus on one thing at a time..”
After briefly sidetracking, Milo went back to his plan of fixing up these crystals. With a scraper, he removed the duct tape residue and gently wiped away any dirt with a piece of cloth, clumsily dropping the tray in the process.
“Oh- huh..?” He said as he observed the glowing shards on the floor. “Are.. those shards suddenly glowing more..?”
Without warning, the shards began to vibrate, rumbling in the floor as they emitted a loud buzzing sound. Consequently, they began to expel intense heat.
“Shit. Shit. Shit!” He yelped as he grew into a panic. “What the hell?!”
In a thoughtless attempt to fix the situation, Milo attempted to grab one of the crystals, only to burn his hand in the process.
"Ouch!" he yelped, recoiling in pain. "What the heck?!"
As Milo backed away, the crystals continued to radiate and grow into an unbearable heat. The windows melted, the doors were set on fire, and Milo was stuck between all of it. Barely resisting the heat, he managed to hide behind one of the concrete pillars which barely protected him from the agonizing heat.
To his astonishment, as he looked over, he saw the objects around the crystals begin to float, and through the dancing flames, he could see the diamond's eerie, aquamarine glow in the center of it.
"Wha—"
BOOM!
The pressure from the intense heat shattered the store's stone walls, making it collapse on itself, and with that, it collapsed on top of him too. Milo instinctively shielded his face, bracing himself for the worst, expecting to be struck by shards or collapse from blood loss once he was crushed by the massive walls around himself. To his shock, nothing happened. He felt no pain, no impact—just heard the sound of his surroundings crumbling.
“What the-” Milo said, as he uncovered his eyes. “Im.. fine? And the heat, it's gone too?”
The heat had dissipated, the flames had extinguished themselves, and the molten glass laid cooling on the floor.
“The crystals!” He said in horror. “They're gone now!”
Indeed, as he said, they were not there anymore, that was, because he unknowingly had them. As he frantically checked the tray for the missing shards, he caught a glimpse of his clothes, shining a bright blue color. Standing back up, and glancing down, he realized that he was now wearing an aquamarine diamond armor.
"What the? I... I didn't put this on!" He muttered, in both confusion and amazement. Marveled at the shimmering armor, he was momentarily captivated by its beauty.
Before he could find a mirror to examine his appearance, the armor began emitting a blinding white light, forcing him to shield his eyes once more. When he was capable of seeing again, he noticed the armor had now vanished, dissolved into tiny particles of light.
"No... No!!!" Milo exclaimed, desperately trying to grab the elusive lights, attempting to reform them into the beautiful armor he had moments before.
Fortunately, his disappointment was short-lived, as the tiny light particles began to merge, emitting another radiant glow. Then, a thud drew his attention, and he noticed the full diamond crystal lying on the ground in front of him, it being miraculously restored to its original, flawless form.
"Whoa... How did it do that!" Milo said, overcome with even greater amazement. “Did that thing just shapeshift?”
He eagerly grabbed the diamond, inspecting it once again, now noticing its smooth surface, devoid of cracks and scratches. Somehow, those crystal shards transformed into an armor with the intention of protecting him and then reverted to its initial state. This was a strange first day to his new world, but Milo knew he had found something truly remarkable.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the atrocious S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Milo just wants to pay the rent by cleaning, but then, all of a sudden, a zombie comes and chases him, he lands in trash, realizes the whole world has gone to shambles, finds a diamond and puts it together, then sets out on his journey.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - “At least” is put together when it’s the sentence about Milo trying to check out the mall when I think you meant to space it, but that’s just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I love the vibes of Milo’s character! There were comical moments when he was trying to fight the zombie, but I also like that he was determined to not give up, because he kept on running, and he kept on trying to fix the diamond. I’m rooting for him to be okay in the midst of all of this craziness.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, an amazing first chapter of this story! I am excited to see how Milo will deal with all of this and what the zombies and the diamond means for him later on. I’m also intrigued as to if he will meet any other humans in this world or if he’s the only human left. With that being said…
I wish you a terrific day/night! ^v^
This story goes from a dusty hallway to magical armor so fast, but the pacing works because Milo never stops moving. You don’t overstay any one scene. Even his moments of rest are punctuated with new problems. I like that.
Speaking of him, Milo is such a strong voice! His dialogue and internal narration feel completely in sync, which is no easy feat. You manage to keep his fear and snark balanced so that even in the scariest moments with zombies, meteorites, a literal apocalypse, his personality still shines.
Like this:
This, in particular, is hilarious because it feels like such a Milo thing to say. It’s also a nice moment of comedic contrast right before everything explodes.
I also really appreciate the inclusion of Milo’s attention disorder. You don’t over-explain it, and it’s shown normally through action and pacing. The way he forgets what he’s doing or emotionally resets adds both realism and narrative tension. It’s also a smart tool for creating tone shifts -- he can go from panic to curiosity fast, which works in this chaotic setting.
Some sentences run a bit long, especially in action scenes though. For example:
I understand how you want this scene to come across, but I think this is over-writing. Longer isn't always better, and simpler sentences can be better for the atmosphere. You could trim and rewrite this for impact, like:
You do great sensory writing, especially smells! That dumpster scene is so vivid! However, I think sometimes you stack too many actions into one sentence. Don’t be afraid to break those up for clarity and mood. For a humorous story, it is better to have your ideas throughout rather than all in one area.
Great story so far!
Thank you very much for the review ^^
I'll make sure to tighty up those details that you mentioned! >:]
This was very intreging!! I'm not big on the type but kept me on my toes!! Keep up the good work!!! Loves it!!