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E - Everyone

Where does personality come from?

by Hockeybro0017

The outer body is the only piece we can't control

Sure we might have scars, marks, and bruises

But genetically

It's something we as humans can't change

Everyone is beautiful

To some, life is game to find that significant other who sees them on the outside as beautiful

But the outer body can't tell the full story

Again, we have marks and bruises to tell A story

But not the full one

Through the eyes is the only tunnel towards inner beauty

Don't believe me?

Look into the eyes of a Vietnam vet

As I like to call them the best story tellers

Cause they tell the stories with their eyes

If you ever get a chance to hear one of the sad stories

Watch the eyes

Study them

Cause while he has the thousand yard stare

You start to see how his life shaped up from these hurtful expierences

But iv learned inner beauty comes from a filthy room

Inside a room where chairs are broken

The bed is a torn springy old mattress

The walls are covered with holes and chipped paint

Paint when he tried to cover up his old mistakes

The best beauty and stories come from something so broken

We never let anyone inside afraid of what they will see

We are scared cause others described their rooms as a mansion

A mansion with state of the art furniture

Beautiful colors that give the room light

Trying to brag of a fake room

But let's look a little deeper into the truth

Every hole in the wall

Every piece of chipped paint

Every rotten thing in that room has significance that made you beautiful

That ugly room is a step to creating the most beautiful room

I like to call that room personality

Your walls and struggles in life fill that beat up room

But that room is what shaped you into the person you are

Cause every defeat

Every mistake

Every failure

Has taught you to be stronger

To be bold

To be confident

That room built your character

I love the saying "no one is perfect"

Because we all make mistakes

Learning from those mistakes turns the hideous room into a masterpiece

A masterpiece to show everyone

Note to self

Every struggle

Every mountain

Every battle is God

God bringing you one step closer to that perfect room

Cherish that room

Be confident in that room

That room is who you are

Don't spill over it with lies

Be proud of it

Be proud of yourself

Most importantly

Know that room is the most beautiful room every created

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31 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 31

Sun Nov 06, 2016 7:00 pm
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MoonLitTragedy wrote a review...

Gosh, this is amazing. It genuinely made me smile. I love how you use repetition in some parts to emphasize points, it makes the poem even better. I do have a small suggestion, however. Next time, go back and re read the work and check for spelling/grammar errors. There are only a couple. Once again, this is an amazing poem!

Random avatar

Hey thank you! Sorry about all the punctuation errors. I used my phone to type it and did not even bother to go through the grammer. Thank you for the feedback. I will take it into consideration and start revising.

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176 Reviews

Points: 2533
Reviews: 176

Sun Nov 06, 2016 6:55 pm
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sheyren wrote a review...

Hello, hockeybro0017! Welcome to YWS!

This was an enjoyable poem, but the flow was a bit hard to follow. As Moonwatcher said too, stanzas would make this poem a lot more fluent. Other than that, the rhythm was perfect.

As for grammatical errors, I noticed a few things. The first is in the description. You wrote bevause instead of because, which immediately might put off a reader. To my knowledge, there is no way to change that, so I'd say just remember to proof read for next time? Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying...

Also, instead of I've, you write iv a few times. Just a heads up.

So overall, awesome poem. I look forward to reading more of your works!

P.s. sorry for focusing on only the mistakes in the poem, but I have to go somewhere uet I really wanted to review this. So, this is not at all a bad poem, I just figured pointing out the mistakes would be more helpful in the time I have. Now, I got to go, so adios!


Random avatar

Thank you for your feedback. I wrote it and typed it on my phone and I think that's what caused so many mistakes so I will definetly start revising. Thank you for your feedback!

sheyren says...

No problem!

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117 Reviews

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Sun Nov 06, 2016 5:15 pm
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Astronomer wrote a review...

Hello there, Hockeybro0017!
This is Moonwatcher here to review your poem! ^-^

I feel as if stanzas could definitely help this poem out when it comes to flow and appearance. It could certainly make the transitions more smoother and some parts less choppy, but I've heard that formatting on the Publishing Center can be really hard sometimes, so this is only a suggestion. Not to mention stanzas can be more of a stylistic choice.

I feel as if you do a lot of telling in some parts, and a lot of showing in some parts, but there isn't really a balance. I feel as if the imagery that makes your poem strong should be something constant and throughout, in order to make the entire poem stronger, rather than having an unbalanced mix all over the place.

The punctuation is somewhat inconsistent, with commas being in some places that they have to be, and in some places they don't. I'm not really saying, "oh all poetry needs punctuation" but I'd make it somewhat more consistent, especially since it's in the middle of the lines and not at the end of them.

You start to see how his life shaped up from these hurtful expierences

But iv learned inner beauty comes from a filthy room

"Expierences" should be *experiences. In the second line that I quoted, I don't know what you meant by "iv", but did you mean *I've?

That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope this review helped you out, and keep on writing! ^-^

Random avatar

Thank you. This was a first draft. I have been extremely busy lately and have not had time to revise. But thank you for your feedback on the flow and rythem. I have always struggled with that when it comes to writing poetry. Your definetly right when ya say I do more storytelling, that is another area of my poetry I need to fix. So thank you for your feedback!

You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.
— Uncle Iroh