Gaea gunned the engine. The ground under the tires was still dry, and the car easily moved forward. Michael’s eyes followed the tire tracks leading away from their hiding spot as they filled with water.
“Where are we?” he said.
“Just outside Leonora,” said Gaea, “a hundred metres or so off the road. We were going up the Great Central.”
“Not anymore,” said Michael. The Great Central Road was over 1000 kilometres of heavily corrugated dirt, which turned to mud when wet.
Branches screeched against the windows and whipped against the doors. The wipers vainly tried to bail water off the windscreen. The headlights reached no more than ten metres ahead, before they were cut off by scrub.
“Thanks for saving me last night,” said Michael.
“Damn lucky you convinced me to come hunting with you that time. Otherwise I wouldn’t have had a clue what to do.” Gaea’s smile dropped.
“What’s the matter?”
“When you shot those soldiers, did you feel bad?” said Gaea. “Like, no matter how necessary it was, it still wasn’t the right thing to do?”
“Not really,” said Michael. “I did what I had to.”
“Oh,” said Gaea. She didn’t say anything for ten seconds. “I couldn’t believe what I’d done. I felt like a murderer. Still, I haven’t been desensitised by video games.”
Michael grunted acknowledgement, and looked back. There were deep tire marks cut into the red slurry behind them. If they didn’t hit bitumen soon, they’d get bogged for sure.
“Do you have any other music?” said Gaea, changing the subject. “Heavy metal?”
“Of course not,” said Michael. “But I can bash my fists on the dashboard and make dying animal noises if you like.”
Gaea did an exaggerated fake laugh. “There’s more to it than that.”
Michael opened the glove box and took out the next CD. “I think this is just a mix of stuff. Might even be something you like on it.”
“I doubt it, but at least it’ll be a variety of girls music.”
“You’re a girl, stupid,” said Michael, pressing the eject button. “Not that anyone would think it.”
“Hey, why use moisturiser when you’ve got engine oil. I’m proud of my un-girlishness.”
“Hah. Yeah. Most women shave their legs though.”
Gaea punched Michael’s shoulder. Michael tried to keep a straight face. “Didn’t hurt.”
“Course not,” said Gaea, nodding knowingly.
Michael pushed the CD into the slot and chucked the other one back in the glove box. The player made clicking noises as it spun the disc. They emerged onto the bitumen. Michael breathed a sigh of relief; there was no sign of the authorities.
“This is shit,” said Gaea, as soon as the CD started playing.
“What do you mean? It’s been on for one second.”
“No, I mean this situation,” said Gaea. “Like, what chance do we really have? What are we going to do when we arrive in the middle of the outback? Eat kangaroos and drink our own piss?”
“There’s more to eat and drink than that.”
“Maybe,” said Gaea. “But they’re bound to find us eventually. I mean, what are we going to do with ourselves?”
“Nothing I guess,” said Michael. “Survive. Don’t die. Those sorts of things.”
“I guess so,” said Gaea. She was quiet for a moment, letting the music fill the car. “Thanks a fuckin’ lot dad,” she finally said, slamming a fist on the dashboard. “You might have considered that I have a life before you went shoving me in the jaws of death.”
Michael nodded, feeling torn inside. On the one hand he was furious with Nigel for putting his life in jeopardy. On the other hand, Nigel was his father, and he didn’t have any intentions for this to happen.
“At least we won’t be living in a corrupt regime,” said Michael. “We’ll be free at least.”
“Stuff that,” said Gaea. “What’s the point in freedom? Better to have a good life with a corrupt government than to scrape life out of this bloody red dirt.”
Michael yawned. “Depends how you look at it. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got another five hours of sleep to make eight.”
“All right,” said Gaea. “Goodnight princess.”
Michael snorted, then fell asleep almost instantly.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey man! Long time, no review. Let's fix that.
General comments:
6th sense (of humor)
There were a couple of laugh out loud moments in this chapter, which was a pleasant surprise after the mostly morbid tone of the other chapters. The humor adds another layer to the story and strengthens the writing (particularly the likability of the characters). Nice.
Don't stop, don't pause.
I like this chapter a lot in one sense. It did a great job adding depth to the characters, but... this is just my opinion, but I think that chapters, especially in action stories, almost always need to advance something plot related. This doesn't mean a gun fight or a chase scene in every chapter, but stretches of talking like this could be done better. Including intrigue, making plans, unexpected events, new characters, traps, even just a couple sentences worth in a chapter like this dangle a carrot for the reader.
I realize that the relative shortness of chapters on a site like this, kind of provides an exception to this rule. It's maybe too much to expect what I described in every 1,000 word or 2,000 word 'chapter'. But I think it's a way to add another hook. Just something to think about.
Good read as always! You know how to reach me if you want.
-Pattycakes
#FF8000 "> Hey its IR. Its a pleasure to review your story and i hope you find it helpful
I got a little confused here on what was filling up with water. Maybe an extra noun would help.
Ok, i read on and i see that your writing style is mostly telling exactly whats happening. Maybe showing would make it a little more interesting. Like facial expressions etc.
It sounds weird to say she "did a fake laugh" Maybe she gave would be better.
All over it was very solid. It was a little boring though. And it had a lot more dialogue than anything else. Im not saying this is bad. The story was good, and chapters like this are needed, but just dont keep making them or a reader will lose interest. Im not trying to hate on it, just try to liven it up if you want or can. Overall good job. Kepp up the good work!!!
I started laughing so hard at this, and I doubt the others in the car could have kept a straight face. Maybe add their reactions, and not only Gaea's?
Another perfect line. I laughed for a long time after reading this.
"Surviving" and "staying alive" are the same thing, if you ask me. Maybe switch one of them to "keeping a low profile" or "running"?
I love Gaeas naivety.
As you can see, I've got mostly good things to say about this chapter. The characters are developing into a lovable family, and I can really relate to all of them. Excellent writing, and I'll love to read more! Keep it up.