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Young Writers Society



The Raid

by Hippie


Attila held his breath and listened. A slight breeze ruffled the wheat, and the whoosh of scythes continued. Nothing indicated he’d been seen. He took the bottle of grappa he’d stolen out from his tattered jacket and pulled the cork.

He was about to drink when he heard hoof beats. He set the bottle down and went up on his knees. Something was about to break the mindless monotony of his job. This he had to see. He raised his head up for a clear view. He chuckled slightly; lucky his hair was blond and not red, or they’d think there was a fire.

A rider reined in at the edge of the field, where his father and a few other men had congregated.

“What is it?” One of the men asked.

“A troop of bandits is headed this way,” said the rider.

Attila sighed. There were bandits headed this way several times a year, and they never amounted to anything. The other workers seemed to share this view, silently staring at the rider, as if to say, “so what?”

The rider glanced away, uncomfortable with the silence. “Everyone’s to go to the manor house until the threat’s gone.”

The men groaned, throwing down their scythes. “It’s a free afternoon off,” the rider chimed in hopefully. The men shot him dirty looks. So they should, thought Attila. A free afternoon off in a house full of stinking, crying babies, muttering women and sweaty men. No, he’d rather stay here. In fact, that’s what he’d do. He waited until the men were out of sight, then lay back and closed his eyes. Everyone else could hide from ghosts if they wanted. For him the false alarms were well beyond a joke.

He took a swig from the bottle, thinking how he’d tease his kid sister Janine when the threat was over. If anyone hated the confinement more than him, it was her. She was always outside. No doubt she’d be out in the woods today. Perhaps she would get off after all. No one would go looking for her; they all knew no bandits would come.

The breeze brought a faint, deep sound. Attila sat up and listened, only because he had nothing better to do. No doubt it was only an animal grunt.

But then he heard it again, a voice coming from the bushes. He instinctively picked up his scythe. Another voice. Maybe he should go to the manor house after all. He waded to the edge of the wheat field and ran up the path to the village.

Then he remembered his sister. If these really were bandits, she wouldn’t know. She’d still be out there. He changed course, heading for the woods behind his house. On the way he stopped and grabbed his hunting bow and quiver, just in case.

He knew where she’d be, but it took him five minutes running to get there, and a patch of thorns shredded his left forearm as he passed.

“Attila!” Janine stood up, dropping her book. “What-“

Attila grabbed her by the arm and began walking. “There’s bandits. We need to get to the manor house.”

“But daddy said there’s always bandits, but they never end up attacking.”

“I heard them,” said Attila. “Come on.” He dragged harder, crushing a new trail that would lead them up to the backdoor of the manor house.

Almost there. Attila heard voices and footfalls between theirs. The breeze turned, bringing smoke. They were burning the village. He didn’t have anything worth owning, but it still made him angry, them taking away his nothing.

Soon the manor house came into view, atop a weedy slope. He crashed on, ignoring a thorn that slashed his calf.

Janine screamed. He stopped and turned around, but she was facing forward. He turned back, and there in the bushes was a man.

Attila froze. The man wasn’t moving, merely staring, propping himself up with a spear.

Something told Attila to look behind him. When he did, a spear was flying towards him. He leapt to the side and crashed into the forest floor. A rock grazed the skin off his elbow, and he let out a groan.

Next thing he knew, there were charging footsteps coming from all directions. He sprung back to his feet and whipped out his bow and an arrow. Janine grabbed him around the waist.

Attila let the arrow fly, and it sent the spear thrower tumbling into a bramble. He turned, inadvertently flinging Janine onto the ground. Another bandit charged at him, only a few metres away. He pulled the scythe out of the ground, brought the blade up, and deflected the bandit’s spear.

The bandit stopped next to one of his comrades, a hulk of a man who also held a spear. The shorter bandit cast a lustful glance at Janine, who scrambled behind Attila.

Attila looked up at the manor house. Too far. No point calling for help or running. He’d have to fight.

He tried to get his trembling hands under control. The handle of his scythe was slippery in his hands, and his mouth dry. Both bandits wore smirks, seeing his obvious fear. The smaller one stepped forward.

“Why don’t you put that down?” he said. “We won’t hurt you. We just want a bit of fun.”

The larger bandit laughed a stupid dolt’s guffaw.

“You won’t touch her,” Attila said, his voice shaking more than his hands.

“Her? Aw. Don’t feel left out. We’ll play with both of you.” The other bandit laughed again. “We aint fussy.”

Attila backed up more, past the dead bandit in the bramble. “You’ll die if you try.”

This time the small bandit laughed, a diseased cackle. “Let’s get ‘em.”

Attila stepped to the side, putting the bramble between them. He prayed they hadn’t seen it.

The bandits kept coming, holding their spears out, eyes fixed on Attila. Attila forced himself not to look down, instead meeting their lustful gazes. They kept coming, until the smaller one leapt up, howling in pain. A second later the large one did likewise.

Attila swept the scythe in a half circle, just like cutting wheat. His shoulders tightened as the blade plunged through the tall bandit’s guts. He swung again, this time lopping off the big one’s finger.

“Come on,” he shouted, grabbing Janine by the arm. She was rooted to the spot, and he had to drag her for a few seconds before she picked up her own step. They hurtled up the hill, while the bandits screamed in agony behind them. The door opened, and Janine ran straight into her father’s waiting arms. Attila stopped next to them, panting.

“That was quite a fight you put up.”

Attila turned to see the bailiff.

“What if I were to say your wheat cutting days are over?”

“What do you mean?” Had he done something wrong? Was he going to jail?

The bailiff smiled and put a hand on his shoulder. “I guess that didn’t sound so good did it? What I mean is, I’m offering you a job.”


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Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:01 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx wrote a review...



Nice work! :) And some very scary bandits.

I liked all of it, even though I was a bit confused at points. I had trouble trying to figure out whether it was supposed to be set in medieval times, or just back in time when they used scythes for cutting wheat. Kind of a minor issue, but maybe you could clear that up by explaining the kind of clothes they wore or something.

I also thought your main character was a thief in the beginning, and when the bandits were attacking, he was maybe in on that. Again, I was a little confused, but I figured it out.

There were a few parts that were really good, like the part about the bandits ‘taking his nothing’ and everything with Janine was adorable :) I must compliment your action sequence, also.

Oh, and one last thing, I’m not sure whether or not having your main characters name being ‘Attila” is a good thing or not. Its kind of like having your main character’s name be something like Luke or Frodo or Harry. People will always be thinking of Star Wars or Harry Potter. Just something you might want to consider.

~black sheep~




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Fri Mar 19, 2010 10:09 pm
Hippie says...



P.S. How do you write in the dark?

With my psychic powers!

Thanks guys. Peace.




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Fri Mar 19, 2010 5:26 pm
ThePowerOutage wrote a review...



Nice work Hippie! Your action scene is tonns better than mine! Then again, my story is set in the present, not in the past. Weird how the bandits managed to set the village alight so fast though. I think you should add a reason why the bandits did attack this time and not all the other times later on. :elephant:

P.S. How do you write in the dark?




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Fri Mar 19, 2010 3:18 am
captain.classy wrote a review...



Haha, that's funny because when I first read it I was like "is that how you spell Attila the Hun?

I really like it, and really have nothing bad to say about it.

The beginning part is a little confusing. At first, I thought he was a bad guy. The way you wrote it, to me it seemed like he had stolen that bottle, and was hiding from the other men. But, as I read on, I realized, of course, that they were on the same side.

I think you did a wonderful job at introducing characters. It's only the first chapter and I already love Janine. Going out into the forest and reading... so great.

I don't think the burning of the village was realistic. Why would the people in the manor house just stay there while their village was burning down? They would have to have some sort of army or force to stop the bandits.

Maybe that's just me, though.

Nice work! You are waay better at action scenes than me. :P

Questions/comments, PM me.

Classy




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Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:55 pm
Hippie says...



Thanks guys.

Oh, and he's not Attila the Hun.




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Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:43 pm
Valentine wrote a review...



Hello Hippie. I am here at your service. So glad that I could help review this and I hope this helps some. Please remember that everything I say is advice, and seeing that you're probably more experienced than me, can be used or disregarded. Let's begin:

I really liked the first few sentences. It flowed well and kept a steady rhythm. Then it seemed to be disrupted by this sentence:

Something was about to break the mindless monotony of his job.


I advice that instead of directly going out and saying that, you should rephrase it. A story gets boring if the author goes out and directly says things, verses either showing them, or hinting at it.

He set the bottle down and went up on his knees.


Hmm....Saying that he "went up on his knees" does not flow well. I suggest a verb change. Maybe like "slid up to his knees." Your choice.

He raised his head up for a clearer view.


Little bit nit picky, but I think it would sound better if you change it as done up above.

lucky his hair


Bit of an odd sentence if you ask me. Maybe you should change it to "luckily."

“What is it?” One of the men asked.


Lower case the 'One'

way,” said the rider.


Since the rider is answering a question, it would be better if you change 'said' to maybe 'returned' or just 'answered.'
There were bandits headed this way several times a year,


I suggest that you change this to "Bandits headed this way..." instead of what's written. It sounds better.

“It’s a free afternoon off,”


This dialogue would sound better if he said like, "It's an afternoon off," or, "It's a free afternoon." It sounds weird when he says the save thing twice. Its like saying "I had a good afternoon that was great."

but it still made him angry, them taking away his nothing.


That made me laugh. Well, more like an amused grunt.

“That was quite a fight you put up.”


Before this, the bandit's dialogue was realistic. But really? He sees this kid almost die and all he says is that?

Okay, the main character seemed a little fake. I suggest he feel fear from the very time he hears the first signs of bandits. Also, the dialogue needs a little work. I assume this is Attila the Hun or whatever. It's a good idea if that's true, well at least in my opinion. Feel free to PM me with any questions, or if you post any more. Cya.




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Sat Mar 13, 2010 3:16 pm
Wariofart wrote a review...



Pretty nice, I liked the action scenes a lot and your characters seem fairly realistic. One thing to change, is that when you were talking about the brambles and the bandits hitting them, it was confusing. I didn't know if they were running or walking towards your characters, so it was confusing how they got hurt. Otherwise fine story, hope to see it continued





History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte