Young Writers Society

‘Twas raining hard on the caravan
Nothing to do but sit
That morning I’d eaten so much ham
That I needed to do a shit

I’d held it in all morning
Not wanting to get wet
But the pain in my guts gave a warning
So I ran as fast as a jet

I hurtled along the stone path
As treacherous as ever
I got distracted by Mr Darth
When something hit my nethers

I was soaked through
Rolling on the ground
Desperately needing to poo
When I heard a familiar sound

It seemed that I had shat me daks
How embarrassing
Mr Darth was fondling his sack
When I saw a chicken wing

I felt a little hungry
So I tried to eat the chook
When I realised I was in Bunbury
And Mr Darth was a book

I hadn’t read in a week
And I felt a sudden need
So I decided to have a peek
And it was all about weed

Then a smell came wafting
Brought me back to reality
My nose began to sting
And my name was Mafaggoty

Mr Darth was still standing there
But he’d finished masturbating
He was now eating a pear
And the aforementioned chicken wing

I picked myself up off the path
Brushed away the stones
I waved good bye to Mr Darth
When I slid on the chicken bone

I slid all the way to the dunny block
And bumped into some sheila
She was wearing a frizzy frock
And an ornamental potato peeler

She offered me a peeler for free
But I didn’t want one
I was so busting to do a wee
That I didn’t notice the bun

My foot landed on the bun
And I fell and hit my head
I didn’t find it very fun
When almost to death I bled

But I picked myself up off the ground
Out of sheer will to do a poo
At the back of my jeans there was a mound
As I ducked into the loo

But the cubicles were all full
I was just about to crack
I ran over to the urinal
And emptied out my daks

Then in came Mrs Quince
The park’s toilet cleaner
And with her Mr Mince
Who was much much meaner

I quickly pushed past them
And ran onto the road
I tripped on a flower stem
And landed on a toad

The toad blew up on my foot
It ate away my skin
I thought I was kaput
When I noticed Quai Gon Jin

He was fighting with Darth Vader
He stabbed him in the balls
I glanced down at my radar
It turned out we were at Niagara falls

The water fell on the ground
And splashed me in the face
The water was actually brown
So I had a running race

Whilst running I fell over
I’d tripped on a glace cherry
I saw a dog called rover
Eating an elderberry

But the elderberry was the wrong colour
It was brown not red
I tried to think of a rhyme for colour
When I was hit by a flying bed

The bed was made of sheep
Stuck together with glue
I had to make a leap
To avoid some flying shampoo

I landed on the bed
It was very springy
When I saw a lady who was dead
Who tasted very zingy

I didn’t actually taste her though
But one could tell by looking
That her name was Mo
And she needed cooking

So I took out my frypan
Put in some oil
For flavour I added a clam
And put her on to boil

She floated in the water
The steam really stank
Then I saw her daughter
And needed to have a wank

I left the pot on the stove
and went behind a tree
When I saw a treasure trove
And I jumped with glee

I picked up some gold coins
And a pretty ring
And a stone saying; “Gird your loins”
When I felt a painful sting

A bee had stung me on the bum
And I was allergic
The allergic reaction made me come
And become asthmatic

I jumped into the pot
Next to the old dead lady
But the pot was full of snot
But at least it was shady

Then I realised the stove was on
I got 3rd degree burns
I needed something to cool upon
Apart from boiling urns

Then I saw a doctor
His name was Dr Pratha
But he was actually a helicopter
And his name was Arthur

It turned out he was a smuggler
Who dealt in illegal budgies
He taught me to be a juggler
And how to eat my veggies

We went to the library together
When suddenly he got wind
I ate some fruit leather
While the librarian spinned

Then in came a giant rabbit
He stabbed me with a pin
I told him it was a bad habit
When Along came Quai Gon Jin

He’d finished his previous fight
And wanted to read a book
But he walked into a fluorescent light
And staggered into a hook

I decided to steal his light sabre
It may come in handy
When the librarian went into labour
With a baby named Andy

But when the baby was born
She changed its name to lafawnduh
She said; “One day this baby will star in porn”
And she put it in the blender

I went to get a pack of cards
As the baby did a poo
It had the consistency of granite shards
So the librarian took it to the loo

Then in came the sister Karen
We had a game of Mayo
She wore her hair like a marron
And quoted Galileo

She said; “doubt is the father of invention”
And grew a long grey beard
I thought that I should mention
She was getting rather weird

But then again she’s religious
So that could be expected
Then she became cartilaginous
I thought these things were connected

But I didn’t have time to think
When flying through the door
Came a robotic skink
With a very loud roar

I wet myself with fear
And jumped through the glass
When I heard with my right ear
The sound of a jack-ass

I walked in the other direction
Towards the staff car park
When I started getting an erection
And found myself on Noah’s arc

A goat walked past and did a crap
I said; “how very dare you”
The poo landed on a treasure map
And covered up a clue

I decided to find the treasure
Despite the map being soiled
I took many good measures
To avoid accidents involving al-foil

-To be continued