Young Writers Society

I like this part a lot too.
YOu know what I just realized? I have a story by the exact same name, and your profile pic (cat from red dwarf) is my favorite tv character of all time.
great minds think alike, right?
kk, so to the review...

so now there are only ten rebels... are the rest dead? how many were there originally?

I like how he looks around, "hoping against hope that somehow he'd simply overlooked her," because it shows how much he wants her to be there, and he'll check one more time even though its beyond a doubt that she's not there.

i like how he's talking about how hes always wanted her, and then... because that's the classic love story, but you're not making your story a cliche by including the simple fight. (not as if cliches are bad, tho)

i think James picked a pretty strange way to cope, but that's just me....

Mark is still a slightly elusive and strange character... next time, pin down what kind of person he is.

was there a reason you capitalized "Comfortably Numb"?

Final: I like your development of the story. A bit strange, and it seems more like a bridge from the loss to the search of Sibo. Kepp them coming...

Edited

Thank you very very much. I'm so glad you were able to help me out.

Thanks for the star by the way

Hello again barely any nitpicks at all here, this piece was brilliantly written! I'll point out what I can, but really great work

Mark lit a torch.

“No,” said James

He turned away and stomped into the cave to be alone with his sorrows.

Mark stood up and walked towards him.

It tasted foul, but that was beside the point.

Sorry, but this is the end of this story for the moment. I really only intended to do it as a character study.

I will be doing more, if you can wait a year or two Until then I'm working on the prequel to the novel this will eventually form part of.

If you must know, Sibo is [spoiler]not dead. She's been taken prisoner. That's all I'm saying for now, but I've got it all planned out.[/spoiler]

If you want to read what I've done so far on the prequel, here it is: topic44357.html

Thanks for your review.

This was a great follow-up to part one. It needs a little work as far as imagery goes, but it's a good, solid piece. I could feel the tension rolling off James as he called after his girlfriend. Although, this raises the question, is his girlfriend really dead? She could be hiding somewhere else, or even just lost. (Sorry, my mom says that's my inner novelist speaking, always wanting to know what's going to happen next.) All in all, great story. Keep writing!

Thanks all for your comments.

I originally wrote this as a "snapshot" of a planned novel. Now that you mention it though, I may as well do another "snapshot" of what happens before to help lead up to this. Lack of lead-up and background information seems the main problem here.

I'll write the lead up, then edit this for anything else that isn't explained, and extra detail etc. that you pointed out.

Cheers.

Hiya Hippie.

He couldn't see her.

. A storm cloud of sadness and anger built up inside him.

“Arghh,” he groaned, wincing as the pain shot up his arm. He held his hand up in front of his face. His knuckles were red, with grains of gritty dirt embedded in them.

Very good, but like Lucyy I feel you need to show more of James' thought and feelings/emotions. Your story has a slightly disconnected feel. Mainly I agree with lucyy's comments and ideas so I won't bore you by repeating them.

I would like to have had some sort of run up chapter to this piece: Who is Sibo? Why are they rebels? and why so few? Were there more to start with?

I feel you have left too many questions unanswered.

Hi there, I have decided to be your reviewer for today . So, I will firstly go through the whole piece, making [comments/suggestions] and edits or extra adding-ins, then I will go through the whole review with you at the end... Well, let's get this show on the road!! (:

Hippie wrote: James cast his eyes around the weary group of surviving rebels. There were only ten of them now, battered and bloody. He couldn't see her.

“Sibo,” he shouted.[OK, what made him shout this? Who is he shouting to - what kind of relation is Sibo to him? Is he shouting this in desperation/fear/hope...? Try and expand on this a little. You've got to remember that the first few opening paragraphs need to grab the reader's attention, but it's a bit too vague at the moment. Don't get me wrong, vague is good, but used too early on it can not work out, especially in relation to MC feelings, but you've been vague on the current situation, which does work, as it has me reading on further, wanting to find out more... Okay, I'm blabbing on now, I shall stop and move on before I completely confuse both you and myself (it has happened) lol =P]

No reply. He glanced around, hoping that somehow he'd simply overlooked her. A hand came to rest on his shoulder.

James spun around, roughly knocking the comforting hand away. It was Mark [who is...?]. James' breathing became fast and shallow as the realisation set in [realisation of what?]. A storm cloud of sadness and anger built up inside him.

“I'm sorry James,” said Mark, looking into James' eyes [emotion being displayed on Mark's face, facial expression...? Also, what is James' reaction to what he is saying, also have him maybe recognise what is is he's talking about, so we know?].

“No,” said James, burying his face in his dirty hands. His eyes began to water [his thoughts/emtions...?]. “Oh god.”

“I'm so sorry this had to happen,” said Mark [emotion in his voice...?].

James looked toward the edge of the misty clearing [maybe this would be a good time to expand more on their surrounding, because it's a little unclear at the moment (: ], hoping to see his lover emerge from the dark undergrowth [maybe you could expand on this a little, adding in her character description, and maybe even what it is that he loves about her. For example, you could have something like: hoping to see his lover emerge from the dark undergrowth, her blue eyes lighting up with adoration as she spots James in the crowd, her long fingers extended towards his... But a lot better put ]. A tear rolled down his cheek. He balled his right hand into a fist and slammed it into the cave wall.

“Arghh,” he groaned, wincing as the pain shot up his arm. He held his hand up in front of his face. His knuckles were red, with grains of gritty dirt embedded in them.

“James,” said Mark [Mark has been in this chapter for quite a while, and I still have no idea what relation he is to James], his voice calm yet commanding. He placed a firm hand on either of James' shoulders.

James turned and stared into Mark's scarred face [expand on this image: how is his face scarred?]. He forced his tears to stop. His body trembled, on the brink of breaking down.

“I know how hard this is...”

“What the hell would you know,[replace with question mark, and also you haven't defined what it is exactly that has happened to her, and to all of them, you need to make it clearer]” spat James, his voice breaking. “Your wife's here and well,” he pointed accusingly at Cara.

There was a long silence. The mournful wind whistled through the cave. No-one made eye contact.

“There's nothing we can do,” said Mark. He paused for a moment, taking a slow breath in and out through his nose. “I'm sorry, but that's the truth of the matter.”

James shook his head and stared at the ground, blinking rapidly to keep his eyes clear.

“James,” said Mark softly.

James looked up to see Mark with his arms extended, and a sympathetic smile on his face.

No. He didn't need anyone. He was tough. He was a man. He turned away and stomped into the cave.

It wasn't a large cave. The dim light from the torches outside was just enough to allow him to see.

“Everyone get some sleep,” Mark's voice reverberated through the cavern.

James sat down against the cold wall at the far end of the cave and closed his eyes. In his head he saw Sibo. All this time he'd loved her. Now when finally he'd found she loved him too, she was taken away from him. He hungered for her.

He glanced around. It was fairly dark; surely nobody would be able to see him. He unbuckled his belt with shaky hands. Then he unzipped his fly, and began masturbating.

The soft thumping sound echoed through the cave, but James didn't notice, and didn't care. His mind focused entirely on Sibo. He pictured himself with her, doing things he could only dream of now that she was gone.

After only a few moments, he felt himself near climax. The intense feeling built up inside him like an explosion.

He leant forward, his muscles contracting. The euphoria of orgasm raced through his body , killing his pains. Everything else fell away. For those few short seconds, everything was perfect.

Then, the joyous moment began to slip away. He kept going, trying to prolong it, but the moment was gone. He opened his eyes. A few faces quickly turned away.

He took a deep breath. His head didn't feel any clearer. His lust wasn't gone.

Mark stood up and walked towards him. There was an object in his hand which caught a faint flicker of light.

“You'll be needing this,” he said, handing the object to James.

James took it. It was a bottle, cold in his hand. He pulled out the cork and the smell of alcohol hit him. He looked up at his leader and nodded thanks. Mark forced a smile, and walked away. James raised the bottle to his lips and took a sip. It tasted foul, but that was beside the point.