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Young Writers Society



Loss - Part 1

by Hippie


James knelt down in the undergrowth. The damp soil soaked into the knee of his trousers. Sibo silently crouched down beside him. He took her small, calloused hand in his, and looked into her hazel eyes, barely visible in the patchy moonlight. She smiled back confidently.

“The archers are in place sir,” whispered one of the rebels.

“Right, on my order,” said the leader Mark, in his deep gravelly voice.

James put an arm around Sibo's shoulders and held her tightly. Her body was warm compared to the cold night air. Her long black hair caressed his shaved face as it blew in the slight breeze.

“Now,” whispered Mark.

James let Sibo go and quietly drew his sword. He crept out from the safety of the bush, with his newly found love at his side.

The Empire encampment sat atop a small clear felled rise. There were still rotting stumps and dry sticks scattered across the hillside, but nothing big enough to conceal them.

James stepped over a mossy log. He was hunched over, watching the oblivious sentries pace the perimeter of the camp; silhouettes against the camp fires.

A twig snapped. The splintering noise pierced the silence. James’ heart skipped a beat.

“What's that?” said a voice from the hilltop.

Mark raised his fist, the signal to stop moving.

James froze mid pace. He could see the sentry peering into the darkness towards them. The sound of frogs croaking became painfully loud.

“I thought I heard something,” said the sentry to his comrade.

Both of them were still and silent for a long moment. “Light a torch,” the second one said finally. They began moving.

Mark signalled for them to advance with a gesture of his hand.

James crept quickly forward, keeping his eyes fixed on the two men who appeared to be fumbling around with something. He could hear his heart beating. He glanced back, making sure Sibo was right behind him.

The sentries’ torch flared to life. The flickering light illuminated the rebels closest to the camp. James stopped, just outside the light’s radius, waiting for an order. All was still for a drawn out moment.

“Charge!” shouted Mark.

James picked up his wits and sprinted towards the camp. Shouts carried over the embankment and down the bald hill. Two arrows from the bushes sped past and hit the sentries as they drew their swords. Mark disappeared over the hilltop.

James charged into the camp, and was greeted by the smoke from a nearby camp fire. It stung his eyes. The air here was hot. A half dressed soldier emerged from a tent in front of him. James sized him up, eyes carefully fixed upon his foe's sword.

The soldier stabbed at James.

James jumped backwards, whilst catching the blow on his sword. A sharp scraping noise tore through the commotion. He took a backhanded slash, slicing open his adversary's tunic and cutting him across the chest.

The man staggered backwards, grasping his wound. A few drops of blood hit the ground beneath him. The soldier fell over into the dirt, groaning.

James stepped towards his injured foe, sword held ready to deliver the final blow. Then, from the side a second man jumped in, slamming his fist into James' stomach.

James reeled back, gasping for breath. He put one hand on the rocky ground, and held his stomach with the other, desperately trying to suck in air.

Rough hands grabbed him from behind and jerked him to his feet. He felt fists constrict around his wrists, and his arms being yanked behind his back.

He tried to pull free, but his captor's grip was like a vice. He glanced to where he'd last seen Sibo, but she wasn't there. Panic gripped him. He turned to scan the camp for her, but the soldier pulled him away.

“Retreat!” Mark's voice bellowed over the din.

James' captor pushed him to the ground. His face slammed against the gravel. A knee rammed into his back to keep him down. He gritted his teeth against the pain, his spine feeling like it would snap.

“Look where this got you, you filthy rebel,” hissed the soldier in his ear.

James felt a coarse rope being pulled around his wrists. The sound of heavy footsteps sped past. His only wish was for Sibo’s safety.

Then the weight on his back lifted, and he felt himself being pulled to his feet. Someone was dragging him away from the battle.

“Snap out of it,” came Mark's voice.

James shook his head and blinked, still dazed from the collision with the ground. He staggered for a moment, and then managed to start running. He looked over his shoulder to see Empire soldiers on horseback close behind him, wielding deadly curved scimitars which flashed in the firelight. He couldn't see Sibo.

The rebels were scattered across the hill, running desperately for the safety of the forest. It was too dark, and his vision was too blurry to make out individuals. He prayed that Sibo was among them.

“Make for the cave,” shouted Mark.

James dove into the forest. The horses behind them came to a halt at the tree-line. James picked himself up and ran blindly in the direction of the cave, following the loud footsteps in the gloom ahead.

Branches whipped at his face, and sticks bloodied his knuckles as he crashed through the dense scrub. Pain shot up his leg as he stubbed his toe on a rock. He stumbled, catching himself against a trunk of splintery bark.

After a few minutes the ground became steep. James powered along, ignoring the burning pain in his legs. All he could think of was whether Sibo was safe.

Finally, he reached the clearing. The gloomy outline of the cave was faintly visible in the feeble light of the new moon. There were a few dark shapes of people standing outside.

James stepped up to the congregation. Sibo had to be among them. He didn't think he could go on without her.


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Tue Feb 02, 2010 2:09 am
EmiAnne wrote a review...



Okay, so that was a really good story. Rally good descriptions!

:arrow: in the beginging, it says Sibo is his "newly found love" what does that mean?

:D I like how James keeps checking to make sure that Sibo is stil there- by the way, i <3 the name Sibo!!

:D "His only wish was for Sibo’s safety." liking this line

:arrow: so if his wrists havent been untied, how is he running towards the camp? i always thought that handcuffs and things like it totally threw off your balance...

All in all, the story is very nice. I like the part about rebels, and the Empire... i guess that now i need to read the rest of the story before i can ask "what's gonna happen next?"




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Sun Jun 14, 2009 7:43 pm
Shishu95 says...



James picked up his wits and sprinted towards the camp.
I don't quite understand this quote.. Also, you start a lot of your sentences/paragraphs with James did, etc.




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Sun Jun 14, 2009 9:08 am
Hippie says...



Thank you kindly.

I want to know the past. (Perhaps coming in later chapters?)

Coming in earlier chapters actually. I cut in halfway through a planned novel to write this so I could get to know my characters better. When I write the novel (after I've finished my current one) I'll just slot this in when I get to that part.




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Sat Jun 13, 2009 5:18 pm
omsvmars22 wrote a review...



Woah, okay!

Nice. That is the word that comes to mind while reading. Your plot, though just developing is interesting. I want to know what is coming next, and as a side note, I want to know the past. (Perhaps coming in later chapters?)

Your story flowed well, when you took the time to describe something you did so well. This chapter did its job and that job was to get me into the story, not weigh me down with information I don't care about yet.

Anyway, I think that is enough praise...on to the next chapter!




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Thu Jun 11, 2009 1:22 pm
Hippie says...



Thanks for your super helpful yet super nice review. :D




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Thu Jun 11, 2009 7:59 am
Pippiedooda wrote a review...



Hello :D Thanks for posting on my WRFF! I like the look of this story so far, there were very few mistakes as well that I could notice or small things that could be improved. I'll go through with the pickiness then give some overall comments at the end ;)

the dampness in the soil soaking into the knee of his trousers. Sibo came up beside him.


I think you begin really well, jumping straight into the tension of awaiting a battle. It's well written too, the only couple of things I would suggest would be to change 'The dampness in the soil' to 'the dampness of the soil' as you use 'in' a couple of times in the first sentence. I'd also say a bit more then 'Sibo came up beside him' to show how she moves, maybe 'Sibo shuffled over to crouch low beside him' or 'Sibo silently emerged beside him' to reflect how dangerous the situation is.

“What's that,” said a voice from the hilltop.


As this would be a question, I'd maybe change the comma on the end of 'that' to a question mark and change 'said' to 'asked' :)

Mark raised his fist.


At first this seems a bit strange on it's own- it comes across later why he is doing this but I think you could always extend upon the sentence here to show why he is raising his fist. For instance 'Mark raised his fist, warning the others to be still.'

They began fumbling.


Again, this sounded a bit odd just as it is. I'd add more, the rebels can see them even if it is vaguely, so maybe you could show them hunching over and searching through a bag or something like that?

keeping his eyes fixed on the two men as they withdrew a stick from a bag.


This ties in with the previous comment, you haven't mentioned the bag before whereas I think it would be better to as otherwise the bag just seems to appear to the reader here.

A light illuminated them.


Is this from the torch they light? I like the dramatic sentence, but maybe after it you could explain a bit more about how the torch flared and the glow reached their crouched positions or something.

“Charge,” shouted Mark.


As he is shouting this, maybe an exclamation mark would be better than a comma after 'charge'.

James sprinted towards the camp as shouts erupted from within.


'from within' I think might be better to specify from within where, I know you are saying he is running towards the camp but maybe adding 'the tents' on the end or something like that would allow the sentence to make a bit more sense :)

He seized him, up eyes carefully watching his foe's sword.


I think there has been a typo here, was the sentence supposed to be 'He sized him up, carefully watching his foe's sword.' ? I think that would make more sense here as it doesn't really fit in that he seized him.

“Retreat,” Mark's voice bellowed over the din.


The same as with charge before, as he is bellowing this maybe an exclamation mark instead of a comma would be good.

A knee pushed against his back to keep him down,


You used pushed quite recently so I'd maybe change it here, perhaps something like pressed?

“Look where this got you, you filthy rebel,” said the soldier in his ear.


You have generally done quite well in showing how people say things throughout your writing which really allows the reader to get to grips with how the characters sound. Here though, I think you could replace 'said' with something that shows how the soldier is speaking, for instance 'spat' or 'hissed' as it seems like he would be saying this quite nastily.

All around he could hear footsteps, but it was too dark to see anyone.


You've already said it was too dark to see anyone, I'd maybe change it a bit here so it doesn't seem like you are just repeating information. For instance 'All around he could hear footsteps from the surrounding gloom.'

Overall: I thought this was a great start, it definitely grabbed my attention and made me want to read on :) I also love how you have tied in the battle scene with James care for Sibo and how you described the fighting. I could only pick out little mistakes in my nitpicks, in general I thought your writing style worked very well :D

I think you did vary the words you used but 'pulled' cropped up quite a bit so I'd maybe look back through your work and replace a couple. When it comes to the plot, I like how you have introduced the story. It is still unclear why they are fighting and who they are but it isn't needed at this stage. I liked the connection between Sibo and James but I do not get much of a sense of Sibo except a bit about how she looks. How does she react to James looking into her eyes? How does she move? Is she confident before battle or shaking? I have no idea about her personality yet and I think you could easily slip a bit in.

The fight scene was great in it's detail and the fast pace of the story. I would think about adding in more of James thoughts and feelings though- for instance when he is scanning the camp for Sibo does panic grip him and his heart leap into his throat? When he is fighting does his blood pound in his ears? Some more details as to how he feels and reacts to what is going on around him I think would really help to involve the reader. The same goes for when he is going into battle, you could show more on how his senses feel whilst creeping up to the camp (smell, taste, sight, touch, sound). I like how you show that smoke greets him as he enters the camp but you could add more to show him choking on it as it stings his eyes and things like that.

Basically, I'd just work a bit more on your imagery. You do have a brilliant story opening though and I look forward to seeing how you continue with it! All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped :)




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Sun Jun 07, 2009 2:03 pm
Whyte-Boi says...



wow....ok this is one of my first posts on this site..

awesome story love the mix of action and romance, they always go well together

i will definatly keep my eyes out for next chapters




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Sun Jun 07, 2009 10:59 am
Hippie says...



Glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks for helping me to improve this piece. I'll pay particular attention to the part when the soldier is trying to tie James up on my next revision.




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Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:03 am
youreit wrote a review...



Let me catch my breath. Okay. Wow, this was amazing. I felt like I was actually running with the rebels. It got a little confusing, though, when James is tied up and then all the sudden he's free and running away. Not a bad start, overall. A few more descriptions and you could have a pretty nice first chapter. Don't forget that imagery is everything and a prospective reader will turn away from your story if they don't feel like they are in it. Feel free to PM me when you post another chapter, though. This one is great!





Don't sit down and write because you're a writer; sit down and write because you have something to say. And if the sea of ideas isn't flowing, well, just tell me about your day.
— OrabellaAvenue