The Place of Roses
She looks and breathes. Look’s and breathes that intrigues me. Her beauty is nothing like I’ve seen before, as I have driven many women, famous and non-famous women. She says nothing until her destination. Her long hair, shines from the sunroof and softly says,
“Merci”
In a French accent as she leaves and properly shuts the door.
I wait, and wait, as a chauffeur does, until I see the lady in a red dress. Appears. Not able to take my eyes off her as I bow and follow.
I start to drive and respectively asked,
“Ma’am where shall I take you?”
She looks and says nothing.
So, I take her. To the palace of roses. The palace of roses that only women in red dresses shall go. A dream. A paradise that opens to those in favour of love and pride.
She sits and stares into the distance. Breathes in the fragrance of roses and stares as I slowly bring a glass of wine. Red wine. As I pour, every drop explodes like a million stars, startling her, however, not in fear, but in curiosity. Fear shall never extend and grow in a relationship in between two people.
So, as we sit. She sips. Small portions of the start struck liquid, and smiles.
A smile of relief, that’s so bright, a million roses start to bloom, all at the same time. As she watches those roses bloom.
She rests her warm head onto my shoulders. The glass of wine drops. I carry her and she unfolds.
Her problems and worries fly like birds and new seeds of life are planted. New opportunities and a new lover. For I shall be that lover, not a controlling dictator but a true lover
I keep on walking, distant and far, until I drop with her in my arms.
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi Hinata2005,
Mailice here with a short review!
This was an interesting story. It had something deep and unknown in it, where you as a reader felt your way through the story and ended up as smart as before. This leaves you with a suspenseful effect. I did get a little confused at times to determine an exact meaning as I got lost at one point somewhere, but in summary it was an idea worth reading that you presented.
I liked the narrator's voice, how he always spoke in an objective stance, and how it also developed into a kind of monologue to bring the reader and the chauffeur together in thought. His choice of words, especially towards the end, was far more lively and not as frozen as at the beginning, which I liked, and also shows a clear difference between his work and how he takes it seriously.
What was also great to see in the voice was this sublime, subliminal interpretation where as a reader I sometimes knew where it was going and sometimes not. At times I thought the story was turning into some kind of horror towards the end, but I'm glad it didn't get to that point.
I think there's a little mistake here with "Look's".
You could also put it like this: "shines from the sunroof and in a French accent she softly says". That sounds better. It seems a bit choppy and reads a bit bumpy.
The big title and the little title call it "Palace of Roses". I would stick with that spelling. Since this is the title of the story, it should leave a lasting effect on the reader.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
It was worth reading a short , simple and sweet story!
Hi, Thank you so much for your comments, I absolutely appreciate it!
If you want to read more of my works, get the app Commaful. I seem to have a problem with publishing my other short stories/poems on this site so get the app and continue reading. My name is kageyama22 on that specific app and i look forward to reading more of your
comments.
Happy New Year!!
This is just amazing jesus you had me swept away.
This is nothing short of something that I can say I wanna read more of!
Each and everyword I'm swept away.
Many other people may not understand your words but I do and I love the way you painted a picture in my head.
although this is a nice peice of poetry you do have the ability to become a thriving author.
I'm new here and I wanna grow aswell.
I think maybe you could fully make out the characters and maybe then make a story out of this.
But don't let me tell you what to do, poems are welcome here to, and I'm not one to judge I write poems to.
Anyways happy new years and good job I'd like to see more.
Hey! I saw that you're a new writer on here so I thought I'd check this out!
I'm a little confused... The way you use short sentences is quite jarring.
'Her long hair, shines from the sunroof and softly says,
“Merci”
In a French accent as she leaves and properly shuts the door.' - this can all be one sentence as the dialogue is in the middle.
'...until I see the lady in a red dress. Appears.' - why is 'appears' in a separate sentence?
'A smile of relief, that’s so bright, a million roses start to bloom, all at the same time. As she watches those roses bloom.' - the punctuation in this sentence is also odd.
It would help the reader is you specify the change in location. I get at the beginning they are in a car of some sort, and then they get to the palace - but where are they in the palace when they are drinking? Where are they sat? Does he escort her there? Are they arm in arm? Where does the wine come from?
The way it reads, they're in the car and then they appear in the palace. There is no transition.
Also, it would be good to clarify what is actually going on. You mention the narrator takes women in red dresses to this place, so does this happen every time they go there? Are they some sort of escort service? That's what I'm getting but I could be wrong. If it is so, a little more hints would be helpful, and if I'm wrong, a lot more hints would be helpful XD
Anyway, I like the idea and your imagery of the roses. But it'd be good to know where they are seeing the roses from to get a clearer picture.
Happy New Year and happy writing!