A/N: I am looking for some hard crit on this piece since I am hoping to produce it
I live in a house built out of sparklers
I have a soul made out of ash
:
And every couple of minutes, it ignites with me still in it
But the fire never lasts
:
I built a house made out of sparklers
And rebuilt it many times
:
Each attempt, I redraw the lines
It makes a fun little game
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But when I set the fire
The result is always the same
:
I really shouldn't live like this
But my pyromania still stays
Sticks and stones, once more consumed
A wire frame marks out my tomb
:
I add more to the blaze
Until all I know has been razed
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I wish that I could know—
What would it take for me to glow
:
To make that vortex of mine slow...
burn (dramatic chord)
:
Oh~ (tempo speeds up)
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If I only had some lumber
If only I'd been born sane
If only I had some matches
I would set my heart aflame
:
I built my house out of sparklers
Because there was no other way
:
How can my mind burn you to ashes
When it's all ash anyway
If I'm just ash anyway
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
in lines 1 &5, and really loved how you tied it all together by repeating it in line 26. This line almost asks as a shift in the rhyme scheme and also works well as it introduces the title into the poem and really is the foundational line for the entire piece.Goodmorning Hildegard! In light of Review Month, I am excited to review your work House made of Sparklers
I really enjoyed reading this work as it is very clear from the rhyme, tempo, and pacing that it's a song! This review may read a bit different from my typical reviews, but I hope my critiques will be helpful.
I liked the repetition of the line
The indication of the dramatic chord and the tempo speeding up really helps the reader understand the direction of the song. My main question is whether the song slows down in the end, or does it end abruptly? I'm sure once the song is produced, we can listen for it, but since you added indications of tempo, I would like some indication whether it slows or ends in that abrupt manner. For this piece, I would find it beneficial if it ended abruptly, as the lyrics act as a build up until everything is ash.
There are a few lines that I believe could be improved! So let's get into that.
In this line, I think the "but the" makes the reader stumble a bit over their words. I would suggest introducing the line differently. My personal suggestion would be substituting it with "yet the". Somehow, this little change makes the flow better!
This line has more syllables than the line that comes before it. Sometimes, this isn't an issue, but I find that it disrupts the flow here. Even altering Until to "'Til" could help that!
Unlike my last suggestion, I think this line could benefit from an added syllable. My suggestion would be to add a 1 syllable adverb to "slow" such as: "so slow"
Since this line is the ending line of the poem, I think it should mirror the "all" aspect of everything, even the narrator, being burned to ash. I would add "all" to before the word "ash" as written in the line prior to it.
Lastly, I just want to express that this verse is really good!
I really enjoyed this piece and hope you share the produced version with us! I hope some of my suggestions were helpful as well. Thank you for writing and posting this! I look forward to reading more work by you. Keep writing and God bless.
thank you, this is a really big help
These lyrics are really good and set up a really effective and interesting metaphor. I think when it comes to songs, for me at least, the music matters more than the lyrics so I wouldn't worry much about if the lyrics aren't perfect. With that said these lyrics invoke a lot of feeling which will add a lot to the song.
I'm not neurodivergent and so I don't know what it's like to hyperfixate on something and any of the difficulties with it so forgive me if I get anything wrong. The lyrics alone do a good job of describing the dissapointing realism of a ritual made through hyperfixation through the imagery used. Specifically talking about sparklers and the ash that comes after a blaze is a very good way of getting that realism in there. Whilst reading, the word 'pyromania' really stuck out, the language beforehand didn't seem to match the kind of language that would use the word 'pyromania' instead of describing it as some feeling. This might be resolved through the music and so it wont be an issue but that is something I noticed. Honestly, your biggest issue was one word and I wouldn't stress about it.
These lyrics are done very well and will add a lot to your song.
thank you <3