Thomas Sanders had no idea where he was. He was warm and damp, wrapped in so many blankets he couldn’t move. His face was pressed against something soft, and even thinking made his skull feel like it might split open.
“Thomas,” Virgil whispered frantically in his ear.
He forced his eyes open and turned his head. Virgil was perched on the arm of the couch.
“Where are we?” Virgil practically hissed, his eyes darting around the room.
Thomas blinked slowly, trying to focus. “My… living room?” Even speaking hurt; his throat felt raw.
“No?!” Virgil snapped, gesturing wildly. “Thomas, look.”
With considerable effort, given his current blanket-burrito situation, Thomas pushed himself upright and took in the room. It was dark. Not evening-dark, but a strange, cloudy dimness despite the dull daylight filtering through the windows. The house felt wrong. Not messy, not lived in, just… empty. Dust coated every surface. There were no empty cups on the coffee table, no scattered papers on the counters. The TV was gone.
…The staircase was in the wrong place.
It was entirely on the wrong side of the room. It should have been in front of him, not behind him. But there it was. Thomas blinked hard. His head throbbed in protest.
“It appears this is not your house, Thomas,” Logan said. He sounded more exhausted than Thomas felt. The logical side didn’t even manifest physically; his voice simply echoed from somewhere near the coffee table.
Virgil had pulled his hood up, his gaze flicking anxiously around the room before landing back on Thomas.
“Okay. Great. Really. Glad we got that sorted out,” Virgil muttered, very obviously trying to stay calm.
“Logan,” Thomas croaked.
“…Yes, Thomas?” Logan replied, his voice faint.
“What should we do?”
There was a long pause. “Check the door.”
That seemed reasonable. Thomas unraveled himself from the blankets and pushed off the couch. The moment he stood, his vision swam—and then the floor rushed up to meet him. His bad leg burned, his skull felt like it was on fire, and a crushing wave of exhaustion rolled over him. He wanted- desperately- to close his eyes and sleep.
“Someone’s coming!” Virgil shouted, his voice warping at the edges.
Adrenaline flooded Thomas’s system. His lungs seized painfully as he forced himself upright, grabbing the coffee table for support. He couldn’t see straight. He couldn’t breathe. He just knew he had to move.
“Whoa- uh, hey, buddy.” A voice cut through the haze. “Do you understand me?”
Thomas stilled at the familiar sound—his own voice, played back to him with a slightly different tone. He blinked until his vision cleared enough to focus.
He was looking up at himself.
The new Side wore a heavy raincoat, odd, but Thomas was far too dizzy to question it.
“Oh… hey,” Thomas mumbled weakly. Thomas tried to push himself up again.
Everything went black.
The next time Thomas woke he was once more tightly bound in blankets and laid on the couch by an unknown force.
His vision was blurry, and the room was almost pitch black. His skull pounded. His tongue had swollen up in his mouth. His right arm ached from falling on it and his left leg ached like it always did… in recent memory at least. His lungs were burning. He couldn’t breathe through his nose.
Thomas felt like he was suffocating, he took a weak but gasping breath. His throat stung and he devolved into a fit of coughing. Tears formed and he squeezed his eyes shut. He struggled against the blankets, which might as well have been a straight jacket in Thomas’s current state.
Strong hands pushed him into a sitting position. They held a hand on his upper back until the coughing fit subsided. Thomas rubbed at his eyes and faintly heard the sound of the person retreating, there was something off about the sound, but he couldn’t place it. A bit later, a small plastic cup was pressed against his lips and a foul sickly sweet syrup was poured into his mouth.
Thomas clenched his jaw and tried to pull back from the cup. The person just held him steady. He struggled fruitlessly against their grasp.
“It's alright kiddo, it's just medicine.” Patton said softly.
Thomas hesitated, something was wrong. Patton sounded wrong. He forced his eyes open and was barely able to make out the silhouette of a blond man crouched down beside the couch.
“Who-” Thomas began to ask.
The stranger moved too fast for him to react and poured the rest of the syrup down Thomas’s throat.
Thomas sputtered and ended up swallowing a decent amount of the medicine. He began to cough again and a water bottle was shoved into his hands. He fought with the lid before the stranger twisted it off and guided it to Thomas’s mouth.
Thomas drank half the bottle before letting it rest in his lap. He looked at the shadowy figure beside him. The man’s round glasses glinted in the low light. Giving him a slightly ghostly look.
“Who are you?” Thomas asked hoarsely.
He didn’t respond at first, instead slightly lowering his head. After a few seconds he whispered shakily. “Stay here.”
Thomas’s eyes widened. Then the man stood up. A figure twice as large as any human being was standing in front of him. In the darkness he couldn’t make out exactly what the man was, at his full height he seemed to be about Thomas’s height, maybe a bit taller, but after his waist his body kept expanding out horizontally until it looked almost like there was a second person attached to his backside.
Thomas was briefly greeted with a very vivid image of exactly that situation. The man(?) stepped carefully around hidden obstacles and was only visible by his movement. He turned a corner and was gone from view. Thomas rubbed his eyes.
What the heck?
A/N
this isn't too important but I just thought i'd point it out since sanders sides is a very moral-heavy series, I mean basically the episode format is Thomas has a problem and the Sides help him fix the problem and do the Right ThingTM. Its usually a 25% chance that I actually agree with the episodes 'Right Thing' especially in the later episodes. The first few episodes are like 'Make sure to have a good work/life balance' and then the S2 episodes are like 'Is it wrong to not die for someone else if given the choice?' and I kinda was thinking that I wanted to make it clear that despite being a fan of the series and the characters I have a very different perspective on life than Thomas and the gang does and I don't tend to agree with them. Like, as a person? Don't feel the need to bring this up in a review, this is just a little tangent lol
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Hi, hello!
This made me wonder whether Virgil is physically manifested or much smaller than usual, since "perched" can give the impression of someone sitting like a bird. I think it works if he’s tense and balanced on the very edge, but you could add that detail if applicable.
Later, Logan doesn’t manifest because he’s exhausted, so Virgil being physically present despite his anxiety may be worth noting. Does his form flicker or feel less solid than normal?
I like the idea that Logan is too drained to appear properly. I was unsure why his voice comes from near the coffee table, though. Does each Side’s voice normally have a location when they aren’t manifested, or is this another sign that something is wrong? The semicolon is used correctly here, as well, but because the narration around it is fairly direct, a full stop might feel a little more natural.
The voice warping is interesting, but I’m not sure what it sounds like. Does his voice become distorted like a damaged recording, fade in and out or deepen unnaturally? Since this may be connected to the strange house or Thomas’s illness, a more specific description would make it feel important rather than just a one-off sentence.
The word "odd" feels awkwardly inserted. You could write something like: The new Side wore a heavy raincoat, which might have seemed odd if Thomas had been well enough to question it.
"By an unknown force" makes it sound as though a supernatural power placed him there rather than the stranger carrying him. Since Thomas is only discovering his situation after waking, you could say he found himself wrapped in blankets on the couch again. "Was laid" is technically possible too, but "was lying on the couch" would sound more natural here.
I like ending on Thomas’s bafflement, though I think the unusual body needs to be clearer for the reaction to make sense in the story. At the moment I’m confused alongside Thomas, but some of that confusion comes from the wording rather than the mystery itself.
It might also be worth ending noting where Virgil and Logan have gone. At least, a hint could be nice! They were both present before Thomas collapsed, but neither appears or speaks after he wakes. Thomas is extremely ill, so he may not immediately notice their absence, but I did. Is there something about sickness that interferes with the Sides?
***
I like the idea that Thomas recognises familiar aspects of the Sides while everything else is subtly or physically wrong! His illness also adds a lot to the tension. He can’t trust what he sees, can barely move and keeps losing consciousness, so even someone attempting to help him feels threatening. The stranger sounding like Patton and resembling him without actually being Patton is particularly creepy.
I would also like to see more of Virgil and Logan after Thomas wakes for the second time. I'm not familiar with this media, but I do wonder why they went from being crucial characters to not having any mention. Their disappearance could be significant, particularly because Virgil was already panicking and Logan was too exhausted to manifest. If Thomas tries to call for them and receives no answer, it would make him feel much more isolated with the false Patton.
There are also a number of small punctuation problems, especially comma splices and dialogue tags. With that, there are several long sentences joined by commas, and some actions are described so vaguely that it’s difficult to picture what is happening. Not a huge deal, but proofreading could help this flow more smoothly!
Cheers! Thanks for sharing!
Lipton
Good morning, recipient of my April 1st review, randomly chosen from the Green Room! :3
I’m confused abt who said that. The figure? Why would he sound shaky? Thomas? Then why not have it in the former paragraph?Last time, we found a strange person on the port and we couldn’t drive them anywhere. Let’s see what happens this time ^^
Ohh I guess we are going into the perspective of the collapsed person now. And it’s Thomas??? …I guess that should have been obvious, given the fandom tag. But still, you successfully surprised me =D
Okay, now I just need to figure out who Virgil and Logan are. One of them has to be the Veil Manifestation and the other… hm.
Ah so Logan is the manifestation of his logic? Why do I suddenly feel like back in Epsilon’s head, manifesting the other splinters of the Alpha AI? (Let me have this reference to Red Vs Blue xd)
Hmmm still I feel like you could have done more work grounding Virgil and Logan, even if it is a fanfiction. It is excellent practice for writing something in your own worlds :3
Hmmm I like that these new personality manifestations are called “Sides”.
Also makes me wonder if the room is so empty to make room for visiting centaurs *thinking*
“there was something off about the sound,“ Hmmm it might be the hooves, narrator Thomas =D
Also dialogue formatting ☹ Pulls me out of the story every time it’s not done correctly.
Hmmm I think the “then” gives these sentences a weird timing: “Thomas’s eyes widened. Then the man stood up“ It feels like we‘re skipping steps in the sequence.
In general, I feel like this paragraph here could use some more structural variety. It feels a bit repetitive ^^
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thanks!