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Birds of a Fellther CHP 2 {UNDERFELL FANFICTION}

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RECAP:

After an uneventful breakfast, the bros decide to go to the shopping district to replenish their dwindling food supply.

After breakfast, Papyrus went back to his room to change. Now that he wasn’t in the royal guard, there was no reason to wear his uniform. Which meant that he actually had to put some thought into his clothing.

He slid open his closet and stared blankly at his clothes for a few seconds. Then he grabbed a black turtle neck sweater he didn’t remember buying and a pair of grey cargo pants he hadn’t worn in three years. He slipped his boots on- not the platforms, they were regular black lace ups. He rubbed his thumb across the metal studs in his right hand, and almost as a second thought grabbed a thin pair of gloves.

He felt slightly overdressed. He wasn’t in Snowdin anymore, after all. It was warm outside. Summer maybe? Or, spring? Papyrus wasn’t sure how to tell.

He touched his scarf briefly, then shook his head and left his room. He spotted Sans sitting on the couch; he hadn’t bothered to change. Or maybe he had. It was hard to tell since he only wore shorts and that disgusting hoodie of his everywhere.

Papyrus was willing to bet that he hadn’t though.

The tall skeleton made his way down the stairs. Sans glanced over to him and slowly stood up.

“Took ya long enough.” Sans muttered.

Papyrus ignored him, and instead rolled his shoulders. “Are you ready?”

Sans’s mood instantly dropped. “Yeah,” he muttered.

“Don’t be such a babybones, would you rather walk?” Papyrus said.

For a second, Papyrus thought Sans might hiss at him like he had when they were kids, then he hmphed and grabbed Papyrus’s arm. Papyrus barely had a second to prepare before Sans’s magic wrapped around him.

The world went black, and cold, bitterly so. Not a physical cold that his lack of skin made easy to ignore, the darkness closed around his SOUL. Then it was gone. The only sensation was his brother’s hand gripping tightly onto his radius. Papyrus felt like he was floating. Time stretched on, then there was a sudden, sharp tug on his arm and he was standing perfectly still in the middle of a park. Papyrus inhaled and blinked several times.

He turned to Sans, fully prepared to yell at the moron that was his brother. He didn’t. Sans braced himself against Papyrus’s side. His hand shaking slightly around Papyrus’s arm.

“Sans?” Papyrus asked.

Sans looked away and dropped his death grip on Papyrus’s arm. “Jus’ give me a second.”

They stood in silence. Silence other than the distant sounds of shrieking children. The good kind of shrieking children. They were probably playing tag, or hide and seek, or whatever people who grew up in places with parks played.

Eventually, Sans started walking forward. Papyrus went after him.

“I wasn’t aimin’ for the park.” Sans said, his voice no longer holding any trace of distress. “Haven’t been over here in awhile.”

“Yes, well,” Papyrus began, “We could go into town more… but do you want to do that more often?”

Sans snorted. “Goodness, no.”

There. Everything was fine.

The park was nice. It had a few trees scattered around, and was slightly hilly. There were several walking paths, one of which the brothers made their way to and followed toward the shopping district. Near the edge of the park, the terrain smoothed out and the trees became more clustered. There were a few flowerbeds as well, but the main attraction was a large brightly colored plastic structure on which several monster and human children were rapidly traversing.

It looked like some kind of obstacle course… a very simple obstacle course. Probably so that the children did not injure themselves.

It was an interesting concept. He wondered what universe it had been from.

Papyrus might’ve enjoyed such a thing if he had been a child.

The brothers left the park and made their way onto a small street. The houses were all abandoned. Either because they were forced out, or because their owners had been dusted. Papyrus leaned toward the former.From what little he’d heard last time they had gone to the market, most of the food was produced by four large timeline fragments of some universe called Farmtale. In the first two weeks, they had gotten attacked constantly, at least until a group of high LV monsters had shown up and established the shopping district.

He didn’t remember what universe they were from. It didn’t really matter.

“So,” Sans said, pulling Papyrus out of his thoughts. “What’s on the list, Boss?”

“Eggs, milk, cereal- if it’s in season..?” Papyrus wasn’t quite sure how this whole ‘farming’ thing worked. “Chicken, anything canned, pasta, potatoes, cheese… and anything else we remember while we’re shopping.”

“You could’ve just made a list.” Sans said.

“I’ll make a note of your suggestion.” Papyrus replied.

Sans grinned. “A mental note or, yah gonna write that down?”

Papyrus chuckled. Sans froze for a split second, then his grin relaxed into something a bit more genuine.


Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
vulpesvelox
Review

Hello, hello! :mrgreen:

He slipped his boots on- not the platforms, they were regular black lace ups. He rubbed his thumb across the metal studs in his right hand, and almost as a second thought grabbed a thin pair of gloves.

I’m not entirely sure what you mean by the studs being "in his right hand." Are they on the boots and he’s holding one of them, or are the studs part of something he’s wearing? The image is interesting, but it could be described a little more clearly.

He touched his scarf briefly, then shook his head and left his room.

This is a good small detail and I’m assuming there’s some emotional significance behind him deciding not to wear the scarf. I think you could linger on it for one more sentence though, especially if the scarf is strongly connected to his old life and identity. At the moment he touches it and moves on so quickly that it’s easy to miss the importance.

They stood in silence. Silence other than the distant sounds of shrieking children. The good kind of shrieking children.

"The good kind of shrieking children" made me laugh! It feels very Papyrus and breaks up the more troubling moment without completely ruining it.

There are quite a few fragments around this section, but I think they work better here than they do at the start because they reflect Papyrus taking in the scene bit by bit. I’d be careful not to rely on them too often though because they can start making the prose feel stop and start. I am not a big fan of sentence fragments!

The houses were all abandoned. Either because they were forced out, or because their owners had been dusted. Papyrus leaned toward the former.From what little he’d heard last time they had gone to the market...

You need a space after the full stop in "former.From."

This is quite a large piece of worldbuilding to introduce in a short space, as well. I get abandoned homes, displaced owners, possible deaths, timeline fragments, Farmtale, attacks and high LV monsters all within one paragraph. The ideas are interesting, but it feels a little overcrowded. I’d consider spreading some of this information through the walk or through Papyrus and Sans’s conversation so your readers have more time to absorb it. I know that I felt a little lost trying to understand what was happening.

***

My overall impression is that this is shaping up to be a good fanfic! I really like the relationship between Papyrus and Sans here. There’s clearly something wrong with Sans, and Papyrus notices it, but they both take part in pretending that everything is normal. Their teasing also feels natural and stops the chapter from becoming too gloomy.

The main place I think the chapter needs work is the middle, once they leave the park. A lot of information about the universes and the shopping district is delivered at once, and after Papyrus dismisses some of it as not mattering, it’s difficult for me to know which details I should remember. I think that could be a common reaction among readers. I would say to spread out the information and ground it in things Papyrus can see to make it easier to follow.

There are also quite a few sentence fragments. I’d keep the ones that emphasise an emotional moment or a joke and join some of the others into longer sentences so the prose has more variety.

Cheers!

Lipton

tysm, i meant that the studs where implanted into his hand.

User avatar
noridori
Review

a great follow up of chapter one, in my opinion.

what i know of the undertale universe is basically that there was a war that led to all the monsters being dumped inside a mountain or something like that, so it was interesting to me that monster- and human children were playing together. though, sans and papyrus didn't seem to think it was all that odd, so maybe it isn't that strange.


i like the little details of the brother's relationship you sprinkle in, like sans hissing at papyrus when he was younger, it makes their dynamic feel more lived in.

i also really like the descriptions of the park. this whole premise is really reminding me of liminal spaces and the backrooms, though that probably wasn't the inspiration lol.

it was nice to get some more information about the whole multi-verse situation, and i'm curious what exactly being 'dusted' means. so far i'm assuming it's like the blip in marvel, though it would also be fun if it was something very different. i'm curious to find out.
i'm also curious about what might have 'forced people out' of their homes, especially because papyrus seems to think that's more likely than them being dusted.

though i noticed sometimes you'll follow a dialogue with a dialogue tag, but cut off the sentence when the character is done talking. for example:

'“I’ll make a note of your suggestion.” Papyrus replied.'
or
'“I wasn’t aimin’ for the park.” Sans said,'

since dialogue tags (eg 'he replied', 'he said', 'he stated') usually can't stand on their own, the period needs to be switched for a comma in these situations.


there were also a few things i wondered about, and again, this might be because of my lacking knowledge of the undertale-world. in that case, please don't take it as critique.

you say sans gripped payrus 'radius'? that confused me a bit, like... the radius of his bone? or is this a defined thing i'm just not aware of lolol

when papyrus was getting dressed you mention him rubbing the metal studs in his hand? idk if this was supposed to be studs in the sleeves of his jacket but to me it sounds like the studs are in his hand-bones-things.

also, you mentioned papyrus not being bothered by physical cold because he doesn't have skin. it made me curious, does he even feel anything? i mean, he doesn't have nerves, or a brain (that i know of) to receive signals or 'experience' things? he also doesn't really have eyes but i assume he sees and speaks through some sort of magic, so maybe that allows him to feel things as well...


anyway, enough of my ramblings. great work, and thanks for sharing!



how insane i exist in rooms i'm not in at the moment
— fatherfig