Hellooow everybody!! Soo! This is one of my rare attempts of poetry, inspired by a true expression of my homeland that is very dear to my heart. I don’t know much about poetry, technically, but there's a pretty raw essence about this one, I love. I'd also love to know you guys opinions; raw feedback, tips, are welcomed with open arms. Have at it and do enjoy!
Oceans of sand as far as I can see… mountains rugged with deep green forests tower like jagged edges surrounding this barren region.
A sense of ease rests within me when I’m here… the wind humming in my ears, joyous of my return wishing to persuade my spirit to stop and obverse this human experience through this humans’ eyes through her ears… …only natures voice can be heard.
As I’ve done in the past, I’ve noticed more doing so about life, and who I am superiorly of the intricate details of God’s handmade sculptures beautiful beyond words.
Like I’ve nothing else to do It was me, in tune with my entire being all but bursting at the seams with happiness.
When I gaze upon the landscape of which my eyes have seen more than I can remember an odd, immune sensation fills me…
This barren region is such a part of who I am, I’m like “Oh, yeah, this place? This is my home; I’ve seen that same view a million times! Nothing too new about it…”
However…thinking such thoughts pain me because, to this very day this barren region always takes my breath away reminding me of a still-life portrait to the very mark yet, I’m perfectly awake to the fact that it’s very real.
I’ll always feel safe here… as though my place of refuge where my Father’s arms are felt like the wind wrapping around me as he whispers in my ear, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you, my precious.”
This barren region is truly what home means to me… and always, will it remain in my heart. always, will I remember what it has taught me… in being the person I am today.
I really love this poem, i felt what you were talking about, the serenity and feeling of belonging to the place you came from. Except that one part where you are saying
This barren region is such a part of who I am, I’m like “Oh, yeah, this place? This is my home; I’ve seen that same view a million times! Nothing too new about it…”
Its as rose so kindly said a little too informal, for your awesome poem. But other then that i really liked this poem. I especially love this part:
"However…thinking such thoughts pain me because, to this very day this barren region always takes my breath away reminding me of a still-life portrait to the very mark yet, I’m perfectly awake to the fact that it’s very real."
I love it please keep writing, I love the imagery it creates and the feeling.
Aloha, Aloha! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.
First off, I like this piece. I really get a sense of your love for the place where you live, and that's good. Expressing your own opinions and feelings is what makes you as a writer unique, and you've done a good job at that here. That being said, I do feel that there's some room for improvement.
Oceans of sand as far as I can see… mountains rugged with deep green forests tower like jagged edges surrounding this barren region.
This is a good way to start the piece. I do have one issue with it. I'm not sure if I like how you described the region as being barren after having described everything's that in it. I mean, it's obviously a place you adore, and 'barren' is, in my opinion, more of a negative adjective. However, it very well could just be me. If I were you, though, I'd replace it with something else that was a little bit more favorable to what you're describing.
A sense of ease rests within me when I’m here, the wind humming in my ears, joyous of my return, wishing to persuade my spirit to stop and observe this human experience through this humans’ eyes
I'm not sure if I like the last two lines. What's turning me off about them is how you used the word 'human' twice. I didn't like it the first time, and I definitely don't like it the second time. In my eyes, it feels too blunt compared to the rest of the poem and the language you've used up until this point.
This barren region is such a part of who I am, I’m like “Oh, yeah, this place? This is my home; I’ve seen that same view a million times! Nothing too new about it…”
I love that you're trying to give us a taste of who you are and how you speak, but it's too informal compared to the rest of the poem, at least to me. It just doesn't fit. Also, the opinion you're expressing just doesn't cohere to the feelings of the rest of the poem.
I hope I'm not sounding too harsh. It's just that I see an enormous amount of potential in this piece and want to see it rise to its full capacity of awesomeness. If you don't agree with my criticisms, please feel free to disregard them and keep this the way it is. Your opinion is what matters most at the end of the day. Don't be afraid to stick with what makes you happy.
Awesome work! Always keep writing!
-Rose
Load Saved Draft
Post Info
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Delete Comment
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark as Review
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Edit Comment
Review counted!
Posted as a comment
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Heya!!!
I really love this poem, i felt what you were talking about, the serenity and feeling of belonging to the place you came from.
Except that one part where you are saying
This barren region is such a part of who I am, I’m like
“Oh, yeah, this place? This is my home;
I’ve seen that same view a million times!
Nothing too new about it…”
Its as rose so kindly said a little too informal, for your awesome poem.
But other then that i really liked this poem. I especially love this part:
"However…thinking such thoughts pain me
because, to this very day
this barren region always takes my breath away
reminding me of a still-life portrait to the very mark
yet, I’m perfectly awake to the fact that it’s very real."
I love it please keep writing, I love the imagery it creates and the feeling.
Aloha, Aloha! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.
First off, I like this piece. I really get a sense of your love for the place where you live, and that's good. Expressing your own opinions and feelings is what makes you as a writer unique, and you've done a good job at that here. That being said, I do feel that there's some room for improvement.
This is a good way to start the piece. I do have one issue with it. I'm not sure if I like how you described the region as being barren after having described everything's that in it. I mean, it's obviously a place you adore, and 'barren' is, in my opinion, more of a negative adjective. However, it very well could just be me. If I were you, though, I'd replace it with something else that was a little bit more favorable to what you're describing.
I'm not sure if I like the last two lines. What's turning me off about them is how you used the word 'human' twice. I didn't like it the first time, and I definitely don't like it the second time. In my eyes, it feels too blunt compared to the rest of the poem and the language you've used up until this point.
I love that you're trying to give us a taste of who you are and how you speak, but it's too informal compared to the rest of the poem, at least to me. It just doesn't fit. Also, the opinion you're expressing just doesn't cohere to the feelings of the rest of the poem.
I hope I'm not sounding too harsh. It's just that I see an enormous amount of potential in this piece and want to see it rise to its full capacity of awesomeness. If you don't agree with my criticisms, please feel free to disregard them and keep this the way it is. Your opinion is what matters most at the end of the day. Don't be afraid to stick with what makes you happy.
Awesome work! Always keep writing!
-Rose