Death is a crime.
There’s a rapping on my door,
and they stand there like bars
to tell me,
“Ma’am, you’ve been sentenced
to a life-time of desolation.”
They snap the shackles on me,
frigid and thick
like the casket.
Death is the dirt.
There’s beloved vestiges
in my tremoring arms
that remind me,
“Ma’am, you’ve been charged
to a life-time of coping.”
They pack the dirt on the dreams,
heavy and lonesome
like the casket.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey Hibiscus. I apologize for this going along for so long with only one review!
One line-specific point:
Vestiges = plural. Therefore, this needs to be "There are (There're) beloved vestiges" for it to be grammatically correct.
Overall, I like this. I like the analogies you use for death, the way you describe it very plainly and tangibly instead of something dreamy or metaphorical. It makes the poem seem very real. I also like the repetition of the two stanzas, how they use parallel formats to tell the two different stories. It's well done.
As far as suggestions go, I didn't like the simile, "They stand there like bars", even though it continues to criminal/jail theme of the first stanza. It's such a dull thing to compare people too, kind of a weak image.
Also for the first sentence, "Death is a crime", while I like its simplicity, it's a bit vague. It could be seen as either a crime to the person dying, like it's unfair and unjust to force someone to die, or that the act of dying itself is a crime, making the dead person to criminal and not the victim. I think, with the jail theme, you were aiming for the former, and so you might want to clarify that. You could consider saying "To die is a crime". Or just expand of the guilt and criminal aspects.
Finally, I would love to see this lengthened, as I think you have a wonderful idea and core to work with, but still a lot of opportunities for other stanzas.
Best of luck, good work, and PM me for anything!
~Evi
For some reason, I couldn't really get a proper understanding or feel of this poem. I mean, I understood that it is about death, obviously, but, other than that, it didn't really attract me or interest me. I don't know; maybe I'm just not capable of comprehending it.
Oh, and you should edit the "Ma'm" to "Ma'am" since that's how its spelled.
Um, sorry, I just can't really give any advice or compliments or anything. It's pretty confusing, if I must say so myself.
: /