Published April 26, 2011
I crave only melt on the tongue
Sweets and high fructose corn syrup
Colors ranging in pinks to blues
To chocolate browns
I care not, for your flesh nor your greens
Give me only molasses dripping
from edges of plump
lips and kisses rapped in foil
I’ll settle for an apple only if its coated
with caramel and scoured with a stick
I’ll take packets of coffee crystals, tear them,
and pour out their insides
Lick my fingers
And pick up the fallings
Their candied remains.
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141,376 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hey there, Red. You know that's also one of my nicknames? Nevermind, moving on. I'm here to review. I'm just going to edit my thoughts in here, in red. x.x Pun not intended.
And that's all the nitpicks I found. Overall, you have a kind of cute little poem here. I like it. The flow is brilliant and somewhat simple and the imagery is interesting, even if I don't quite get that first line. Anyhow, it's brilliant. Thank you for the cute and brilliant poetry. I'd love to see more. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
OMG! This poem got me drooling. I want candies, NAO. It was totally awesome.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:
Hi there. Lavvi in to review for you today.
This was sweet (xD). However, there are a few things I'd like to bring up:
A) Punctuation. So you only have punctuation at the very end of the poem, but you do need it throughout if you're going to have it at all. Which I think you should: it'll help the flow of the poem a whole lot more. It's simple to insert punctuation, just read it like you would and think about it. if you pause lightly there, then a comma is needed, if you stop, then a period. It's fairly simple
Also: this line didn't really make sense to me:
Er...what?
Yours,
Lavvi
Hi HeyRedRidingHood!
This could be only me, but I don't really get this line here. Perhaps what you're trying to say is, "I crave only things that melt on my tounge?" Or something of that sorts.
That line aside, the poem painted quite an abstract picture of a choclate/candy/all things sweet to me. Sort of like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory I suppose. Which is cool, since most of the poems I've come across have something to do with emotions: love, hurt, pain and the works. So, you're writing about something else that's got nothing to do with emotions and I like the poem for that. A bit different, but the good type of different, not the bad.
I like this a lot. Normally I don't go for this type of poetry, but this was really good.
Keep Writing!
Kay
Welcome to the site!
Liking this poem, I can feel Erika's style.
(You've got a couple of grammatical errors though.) ^^;;
Hopefully the site and you will agree for a while yet!