Young Writers Society

I agree with the above comments, but anyway...
I really liked this poem very much!
The images used were very good, I applaud you

Good! *applause*

There isn't much to say, for your poem is very well structured, punctuated and has a strong idea. Keep it up!

However, I certainly agree with xhalcyonx128, you should take off all of the "ands" for it takes out all of the mystery and intrigue.
And is too basic and it doesn't quite fit with your poem.

Janis

With the sound of a teardrop falling,
The Listener rides the skies,
With whispers gathered into his soul,
And Eternity in his eyes.

With the sound of teardrops falling,
the Listener rides the skies.
WIth whispers gathered in his soul,
Eternity in his eyes.

He rides a coach of silence,
And his horses are but dreams,
He holds the rein of a million pleas,
And the whip of a million screams.

He rides a coach of Silence,
his horses are but Dreams.
He holds the rein of a thousand cries,
the whip of a million screams.

He carries a rose that is stained with blood,
And the scent of a dead man's breath,
Its leaves contain a single tear,
Its thorn, the touch of death.

He carries a rose stained with blood,
the scent of a dead man's breath.
Its leaves contain a single tear.
Its thorn, a touch of death.

He hears each sound, each whisper,
That nothing has ever heard.
For a thousand years, he listens,
And never says a word.

He heeds each word,
that no one truly heard.
For a thousand years he listens,
yet never says a word.


This is very good. I rewrote each stanza based on what would work better (in my oppinon) with line scheme and sound, and some grammer things. Each line doesnt need to be captialized, unless its the start of a sentence. Many words can be omitted in poety that cannot be omitted in prose. That's the beauty of poetry. ^.^ Well part of the beauty. If I were to explain the full beauty we'd be here all day. Anyway. If you are going to capitalize an entity, such as Eternity, then captialize all of them. Either all or none.

It could stand to be clarified though, as I am not really sure what you are describing (possibly a real person, possibly Listening as an entity) the abstractness makes me think you are describing an entity.

Keep going, this is good, and it can be even better.

Uggh. It was pretty sound from a writing point of view, but it was really morbid.

Maybe rate this PG at then say something in the descriptions? This is pretty dark.... I dunno, its up to you.

Cheers!

I'm a fan of the intangible/ abstract (like "coach of silence") but I think there's too much here. I'd be more interested in how the "whispers gathered into his soul" and more along the lines of that than the things associated with him. I like the general idea, but I think in general, it's too vague.

That was great. There really isn't anything I can see wrong with it, but than again I'm not good as giving long critiques.

Keep up the good work!

~Spirit