Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The spark of creation

by Henox


Author's note: I have never written anything this big so far. Expect some grammatical mistakes because i'm still learning the English. And I'm sure that the story could be written a lot better but i have almost none experience with writing. Hope you like it! End note.

Ch. 1

Deep within the world of lifeless rocks and nothingness, a spark appeared, a spark that won't only ignite it's surrounding but change the course of the universe. A never ending flame bursts life and emotions, spreads across the universe. Giving a meaning to everything that was created before; creates new things that will become one with the old, and merges with it like it was always like that.

From eternal darkness comes light that shines upon all that which was hidden and unexplored. It brings new paths and new ways of doing things. Things will never be the same as they were. Life came to be.

A gift to the universe, for hard work and patience. Though, life could get out of control, if the universe doesn't watch over it, it could go wonder on its own. Young beings don't know their place, they would wonder until they get in trouble and all of the living organisms pass, just because life didn't have anything to hold on to. That was the best thing that could happen, if it didn't get to any obstacle, it could get older and spread all over the universe, devouring everything in its path, and when the whole universe is filled, all the resources will be used and the universe will not be able to sustain life anymore.

That's what happened here, well sorta, I mean, I'm alive, ain’t I? My village is alive, isn't it? I don't know, my village elder said that. I really don't understand most things he says, he makes some weird noises so sometimes I literally don't understand him. He's pretty old though, he's one of the root mangians (Mangians – kind of biomechanical beings, root mangians – first mangians).

My name is Henox, a builder in the Heka village, the earth village. There are three main villages known: Lagu, the village on the ocean; Flech, the village in the sky and our village Heka, of earth.

Today is my day off, so I can do anything. There's a haku game going on today and I plan on going there. There will be a team from Flech against one of our teams, it will be intense because the Flech teams are usually the best. You might be wondering, what is haku? Well it's the most popular mangian sport game. I want to bring my friend Halnau to watch the match with me too.

I took a bag and started packing some food and some of my stuff, because the game will be all the way in Lagu, and it's a long way from here. When I finished packing I went out of my hut and started walking towards Halnau's hut. Our village is very ugly to me, it is in a rocky desert so there is very little vegetation, just so enough that we could survive. There is almost no real soil here so the roads here are so uncomfortable to walk on with sharp rocks. Our village is very small too, it has only a few hundreds of mangians. Lagu, in the other hand, has over a thousand mangians.

I was getting close to Halnau’s hut, when I got there, I went trough the entrance. She was drawing something on her workbench. Oh, yeah, I forgot to say that it's a female. I never really understood the male - female sorting. I mean we are a bit different, but what's the purpose of that? Some say that males and females get attached to each other in a weird way, and can't be without each other, but I never saw that happen to anyone. Why would that happen to someone anyway? There are a lot of mysteries about mangians witch I don't understand, like, where do we come from? There are myths about a giant being, called Nebes, who brought us here. But I don't believe in that stuff. I think that our village elder knows more than I think he does. But I believe he has his reasons.

Now back to the topic.

Halnau stood up when she saw me.

- Oh, hello... -

- Hey, wanna go to the haku match with me?-

- There's, a haku match today? Oh, yeah... Against Flech, right?-

- Yes, wanna go?-

- You ask? - She said ironically.

- Ok, I'll wait for you outside while you pack, it's a long way.-

- No, come in, sit.-

I stood at the middle, looking around while. Her hut was twice as big as mine. She had two rooms, one for work, and one where she sleeps and keeps her stuff.

I took a look at what she was drawing. It was a plan of our village, with some new gaahku fields (gaahku – kind of plant that emits more oxygen). Halnau just got in the room with some decorative cloth.

- What is that for? - I said pointing in the cloth.

- We're going to Lagu right? The centre of culture. We don’t want to embarrass ourselves. So, what do you think? -

- It looks nice... I'm not really into body decorative art, so, I don't think that my opinion really counts. -

- Come on, don't be like that. That's the point of it, if it looks nice than it’s good. -

- Ok, are you ready to go? -

- Mmmm, I think so. -

- We shall take the best transport to Lagu. There is a waner waiting for us at the edge of the village. I guess it will be fast enough to get us to the sore in time. -

A waner is a vehicle designed to cross long distances on rough roads. It has eight legs on the sides on which it stands on. When going across bumpy terrain at optimal speed, you don't feel a thing. It is perfect for our trip to Lagu. But, there are only a dozen left, nobody doesn't even know who made them, we just have them as long as we can remember. Some mangians are suspicious about them and don't use them.

We walked back to my house where I left the stuff I packed earlier. We had luck because the waner was waiting just behind my hut.

I helped Halnau to get on the waner and then I got on it myself. I looked on my compass to see in what direction I should go. When I fished, I started the waner and we took of trough the mountains. A trip to Lagu is very exciting, because we go between the two biggest mountains on our continent, past the great monolith rock and over several beautiful rivers.

Although my village wasn't that pretty, the rest of our known world was just beautiful: Arhanom temple, Aure forest, Flech Mountains and many more places. Most of them I have never visited, but I have heard stories of them.

We just went past the great monolith rock. It's a gigantic rock shaped as a perfect rectangle. Nobody knows who made it, it was there longer than anyone can remember. It certainly isn't natural.

- Hmm, I wish I knew what it was. - Halnau said

- It's a big rock. - I replied.

- Yeah, I know, but who put it there? And why? I'm sure it means something. -

- Some say it's Nebes inside.-

- Out of all the wired stuff about us Nebes doesn't seem that strange.-

- You believe in him?-

- I don't know, I'm open minded.-

The trip wasn't as fun as I've imagined. We went trough many amazing places, but the rest of the trip was long and dull. We have just arrived to Lagu. It has two parts: one on the ground and one floating on the ocean. It is very crowded. People from all around the world came here to watch the game.

- Now we just need to find the stadium.- I said ironically.

- I think I know where it is. I was here before, I think it's in the middle of the ocean part.-

We started walking through Lagu towards a wooden pontoon. The huts were very similar to ours in Heka, only they used a different kind of stone. The tiles on the floor were a lot smoother than in Heka, it's much easier to walk here. Everything else was pretty much the same.

When we got to the ocean part, then it was a different story. Everything was made out of wood and was pretty stable even though the waves were pretty high. We were walking along the main street, we could never miss the big stadium. It was huge, its floor was higher than the rest of the village, so it looked much bigger than it really is.

We entered the stadium, squeezing through the crowd. We managed to find two seats in a decent place. The game has just started.

Heka players were painted in Brown all over, and were pretty big and heavy. The Flech players were white and were smaller and more agile. Everyone was running around the playing ground to warm up.

Haku consists of three balls and six players in each team. It is played with sticks that have a cup like thing on the end where they hold the ball. There are three baskets on each side of the pitch. When you put all three balls in the tree baskets of the enemy team, you get a point. During the game you are allowed to take the balls out of your basket. In each team, there is one keeper who doesn't allow the balls to get in the baskets but when they get in, he can't get them out, tree attackers who need to put the balls into the enemy's baskets, and two annoyers who try to prevent the enemy's attackers to get in the situation that they could get a basket.

Then suddenly we heard a voice, it was the commentator:

- Greetings fellow mangians! And welcome to the second major game of the tournament! Lagu welcomes two teams: Heka and Flech!

The players took their positions and were ready to start.

The game started really fast, it is complicated to follow all three balls at the same time. A Flech player took two balls and started running towards our baskets, but one of our annoyers smashed into him, he flied five meters backwards dropping the balls. The other ball witch was left was already in the Flech basket. Two of our attackers immediately caught the two balls which were dropped. The fast and light Flech annoyers were no match for our big and heavy attackers. They smashed right through Flech defence and SCORE! The first point of the game goes to Heka! The crowd cheered. Later in the game, Flech didn't let the match so easily, they were a lot faster than our players so they quickly got their point back. After that, everything was uncertain. At the end, the game was tied 3-3. I wasn't so happy about the result, but Halnau was glad we didn't lose cause honestly, I never thought we could win either.

After the match, we went to my friend from Lagu. He lived in the less crowded part of the village.

As the night began to fall, Lagu got more beauty full... (mangian day is like three earth days, and the same for the night)

Torches and lamps began to light up, and the village got a magical feel. It stood perfect with the silent sound of water and wood cracking. No wonder it was the centre of culture, everything was so inspiring.

My friend's house was at the end of the street. It was a bit taller than the others, the wall around the door was covered with large fish scales and there was a large fish skeleton with a shovel like thing on its mouth on the upper edge of the hut.

When we got there, there were no lights and the door was locked. I knocked a few more times just to be sure. Nobody answers. I honestly didn't know what to do. We were stuck in Lagu with no vehicle to get us back home.

- What now? - Halnau said with a little bit of anger in her voice.

- I don't know what's going on... He said, he will be here...-

- Are you even sure you got the right place?-

- I don't think that there are any other huts like this in Lagu... If he doesn't show up so on, we will go back home on foot.-

-Humph, yeah right, we won't get home till tomorrow.-

- Yeah, but do we have a choice? He was supposed to take us home.-

- Urrghhh! OK. - She said in anger.

Time was passing really slowly. Everything was silent, except for the occasional fish splash. We were just sitting there staring at the water. The Alsuna (an asteroid cluster orbiting the planet) is beginning to come out. Every time I stare at it for a bit, I begin to see shapes in it, and every time it is something different. This time, for example I see a bunch of stick man. Some think that if you could read it, you could tell the future. I honestly don't know what to think about it, I have no idea what it actually is.

I was growing impatient. I don't like waiting.

- That's it, let's go! - I yelled.

- It's about time, I don't know if I could take it much longer. But... Where should we go now? - She said while standing up.

- I don't know, we'll just keep going towards the mountain-clearing, and if we have luck, we will run into someone who could give us a lift.-

- That's stupid.-

- Yes it is, now let's go.-

She wanted to protest but she didn't find anything smart to say. As we got to the main street, we have noticed smoke coming out of the Coast part of the village. At first we taught it was nothing, but then we saw flames. I was curious what was happening, I mean, it’s not every day you see fire in the water village. We ran towards the place where the flames were most intense. It was chaos everywhere, mangians were running in everywhere, we could only guess what was happening.

Suddenly something hit me on the back of my head, I saw a bright flash and then, everything was dark.


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Tue Jun 03, 2014 1:42 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there, Henox!
I'm gonna share some thoughts with you as I read through this! I hope that whatever I say will be helpful to you, but feel free to PM me or reply to this review if you want to talk more or have any questions.

The first big thought I have is wondering about why the narrator is talking to me like he knows I'm a reader. For example, when he says,

You might be wondering, what is haku? Well it's the most popular mangian sport game. I want to bring my friend Halnau to watch the match with me too.


I get a little confused. Usually, characters don't talk to us. And even if they do, it's weird for them to talk about their world like they know everything about it and how it is, somehow, different from our present world. How would this character know someone's reading about him from a world without haku? As far as he knows, wouldn't everyone know about haku?

I know you're trying to explain these things to the reader because you, as an author, knows that you've created them and we don't know about them. But to have the character speak to us seems odd unless he does it consistently, and even then you'd have to think about how he would know our world doesn't have haku.

On possibility is that he could be speaking to someone from a different area -- maybe the ocean area doesn't have haku -- that would make sense, and you could have that tone and sense of audience. Anyway, something to think about, yeah? :)

There are myths about a giant being, called Nebes, who brought us here. But I don't believe in that stuff.


Ooh, I think this was my favorite part. I like it because it gets the reader thinking and wondering and I, personally, stumbled across a theory I'd like to see if it plays out. I thought "what if these people are all living in a world created by humans, and we're watching their society when later it will be revealed that Nebes are humans etc." So that was fun, interesting, and engaging. Getting your reader involved in such subtle ways is awesome. Just be sure you don't leave them hanging!

A waner is a vehicle designed to cross long distances on rough roads. It has eight legs on the sides on which it stands on. When going across bumpy terrain at optimal speed, you don't feel a thing. It is perfect for our trip to Lagu. But, there are only a dozen left, nobody doesn't even know who made them, we just have them as long as we can remember. Some mangians are suspicious about them and don't use them.


OH NO information dump! This is something that's pulling your writing down and distancing the reader from accepting the world you're building as reality. If your world is reality, you wouldn't have to explain it like this. These facts would just exist and you would talk about them when you need to. Trying to explain everything up front assumes the reader doesn't know what this is and reminds us that "hey this is a story, not a real thing" preventing us from diving into our imaginations and feeling the story that you're working on, you know?

Try spreading out this information in between action. Mention the eight legs as your main character climbs up one to get on, maybe, and later as they're moving talk about how they don't feel any of the bumps and maybe that's why these friends choose to ride them even though other people are a little suspicious.


I also just noticed that there are a few places in this writing where you say "we've just had these as long as we can remember, nobody knows why" -- about the waner, monolith, etc. Using the same description is noticeable. Maybe you don't even have to mention that you don't know where it comes from -- just describe it and let it exist as an accepted part of the environment.

Also, I think it's odd that the characters would talk about the monolith. This is their daily life! They do this ALL the time, why would they pick THIS day to talk about "wow, I wonder who made that" instead of the first time they ever saw it??

I loved the moment of conflict where they realized they couldn't get off the island and go home -- that seemed very real, like missing the last bus home or not realizing it's a holiday, etc. I loved that moment because for the first time I believed they were just characters living in their world.

I'm on to the next part because I want to know what all the chaos is about!

Thanks for sharing and keep writing~
Hannah




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Mon Jun 02, 2014 4:15 am
PrehistoricEchoes wrote a review...



This thing reeks of Bionicle, and I love it! A lot of my own stuff has roots in Bionicle. After all, it is probably one of the most original fantasy storylines of the last 20 years.
However, I do feel that you may have too much of Bionicle's DNA in this. You're Haku is very similar to Kohlii, and I'm guessing Mangian was inspired by "Magna." Also, Nebes being a "giant being who brought the Mangians to their world" sounds a little familiar. And the waners definitely reminded me of Metru Nui's Vahki transports. Also, some of the background mythology with the "fire" reminds me of Dark Souls, but that's probably more coincidence than anything else.

Anyway, I do have to praise you for some of your descriptions. Your grammar needs work, but here and there I could definitely visualize some of the places you were describing.

Speaking of grammar needing work, there are many errors. I'd definitely practice a little more. Grammar takes a long time to get down, though, so don't be in too much of a rush. I've been writing for years and am still getting the hang of it!

Anyway, I won't nitpick most of your grammar errors. You should be able to fix many of them by putting this in to a word processor like Microsoft Word. Spell Check should notify you of spelling and grammar errors.

There is one error, though, that I would like to correct. When writing dialogue, you use quotation marks and a line break to set off each new speaker. For instance, this:

- That's it, let's go! - I yelled.

- It's about time, I don't know if I could take it much longer. But... Where should we go now? - She said while standing up.


Should look more like this:

"That's it, let's go!" I yelled.

"It's about time, I don't know if I could take it much longer. But... Where should we go now?" she said while standing up.


Also, in dialogue where statements should end in periods, use commas when continuing onto something like 'said X.' But when your dialogue ends a sentence, than you can use a period.

All in all, you have a great concept budding here. Just tweak it to be more original and work on your grammar, and you should have something great! Wouldn't mind picking this up in a book store!




Henox says...


Thanks for the review (:

You're right about Bionicle having a big influence on this, but some things are just coincidence. Mangians, didn't come from magna, and when I made up the waner I wasn't thinking about the vahki transports, I just wanted to make something that didn't exist.
I first thought of Nebes as Mata nui, but then I changed it, so it's totally different now.

I wanted to make something that has a feel of the first 3 years of bionicle, but different.

As the story goes on, there will be less bionicle things

I'm happy that there are still some bionicle fans left. :D



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Tue May 20, 2014 2:22 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hey there! Cricket here to review for you!

Well, like the last person I think this is a good story idea. Highly original! I'm especially curious about these mangians! One thing I did notice you do well, is keeping the plot moving quickly. That's always something that people(at least I do!) find hard to do. And keeping your characters doing things throughout is also extremely hard. I mean, keeping them talking is easy; but keeping them running???? That's something that you seem to be doing better than most.

Well the last person said that you might want to hear from an English speaking person about the grammar and such. So I'll do my best!!

OK, I'm going to do some nitpicks. Alright?

NITPICKS!!!!


flame bursts into life


Just a word missing here is all. Not a big deal. I put in bold the word for you.

- Yes it is, now let's go.-


Spoiler! :
Now I have never seen this type of dialogue before. Usually its like this....

"Yes it is, now let's go."


Now I saw that you said that you are still learning English, and all that. But I'm still not sure if this new dialogue is intentional. But anyway, if I'm wrong then just ignore it, if not...well..I guess that's what reviews are for. :p


trough


Just a typo is all. Its spelled through

She said in anger


This could be said like this "she said angrily."

I was growing impatient. I don't like waiting.


This is to short to be its own paragraph. Paragraphs are two to three sentences, not one and NOT TEN. But this isn't to big a deal. Just add a little on to it, and it should be fine. :p

beauty full


OK, now I know someone already mentioned it, but I just thought I'd show you the proper way to spell it. Beautiful is the way to go.

mangian day is like three earth days, and the same for the night)


I'm thinking that maybe this bit of information should be given to us in dialogue. Make us feel like its not being shoved in our faces. :D

The game started really fast, it is complicated to follow all three balls at the same time. A Flech player took two balls and started running towards our baskets, but one of our annoyers smashed into him, he flied five meters backwards dropping the balls. The other ball witch was left was already in the Flech basket. Two of our attackers immediately caught the two balls which were dropped. The fast and light Flech annoyers were no match for our big and heavy attackers. They smashed right through Flech defence and SCORE! The first point of the game goes to Heka! The crowd cheered. SPLIT HERE Later in the game, Flech didn't let the match so easily, they were a lot faster than our players so they quickly got their point back. After that, everything was uncertain. At the end, the game was tied 3-3. I wasn't so happy about the result, but Halnau was glad we didn't lose cause honestly, I never thought we could win either.


I'm so sorry for cutting out so much, but I thought I'd show you where I want you to split the paragraph. I put in bold the spot. Hope that helps with paragraphing!!

OK, I think I'm done! Hope I helped you! Amazing amazing Job!!




Henox says...


Hey!

Thanks for the review!

The thing about the plot going fast, I wasn't sure if it was good or bad. I'ts much easier for me to do it this way though. (:

And thanks for the grammatical corrections. And the dialogue type, I saw it in some books I was reading in my language and I liked it. I didn't know that it wasn't international.



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Wed May 07, 2014 6:00 pm
Alchemist wrote a review...



Hello there!

I have to tell you that i really like this story concept. Its rather original for a fantasy genre (as far as im into it, and id say im pretty deep). I think having the original story in your mind or at least on the horizon is the perfect beggining to the story, and i find it most important.

I think you havent explained mangians wery well in this chapter. As it is the first chapter, i think you will have to do it, unless you planned to do it somewhen later, but i find it a little bit hard to connect with the story if i dont know what anything looks like. On the other side of explaining, that dessert vehicle sounds amazing, as well as the earth village.

Id like to hear more about that Nebes legend, or to learn more about the monolith. As far as i got it, those are the most important things to keep an eye on in this chapter. I think you should have said something more about Nebes when first mentioning him, while not revealing anything that is meant to be revealed later. For example, you could have included some of the myths.

I think you have some grammar mistakes, like "beautifull" which shouldnt be separated, but im not native english speaker, so you might want that feedback from someone else.

Last but not the least, you have a weird way of description sometimes when you just put it in these () in the middle of the paragraph. Personally i dont see it working, maybe you should have described it.

Summed up, you should be having an original story there, idea is great and catchy. I think you should try out this if you didnt already: The Buddy System . As far as i got it, there are few persons who are willing to help and be instructors for us begginers. You can also see what they specialise in, like grammars and what they like to read.

-Alchemist




Henox says...


Thank you for the review!

When I started writing this I really wanted to make something unique, I wanted to make everything form scratch.

I'll try to explain more things in the future chapters, but Nebes and the great monolith rock are a mystery.And of course you will get to know more about them trough the story.

And, the thing about the brackets, I didn't know how to explain some things trough the story, or they could't be explained trough the story so i taught of putting explanations in brackets. I'll try to find a better way of explaining things in the future.

And thanks for showing me the buddy system it would certainly help!



Alchemist says...


You are really on a good way to make something unique.

Yeah i agree about mono and Nebes. But you should give us the insight on physical looks of Mangians. Are they just some type or enchanced humans(and if yes,then how?), or completely imagined race? I just need to imagine to better connect to the story.

Frogot to tell you that part about the reproduction was awesome. It is natural that you didnt explain how they do actually reproduce, if they do at all, since its normal for them. But for the person reading, its the mystery :)

-Alchemist




A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.
— Franz Kafka