Introduction
It probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. I should've waited for him to slow down. But all I knew was that I had to get away from him ASAP. While he was screaming at me about God know's what, I opened the door... and jumped. I rolled, the rough gravel exfoliating my skin. Luckily, there were no cars around, and no way would that self centered prat come back for me, so I was safe. I slowly stood up, my whole body pulsing in pain. I grit my teeth and limped on to the sidewalk. Where the hell was I? I looked around for a street sign. Cloverbank Street. There's a park nearby, isnt there? I scanned the darkness and found a shimmer of a swingset. I trudged towards the playground, curled up underneath the curly slide, and cried my eyes out. It was three a.m., I needed band-aids, I'm pretty sure my arm was broken, and I left my phone in my most-likely-ex-boyfriend. I pulled my dirty hair out of my face, and started thinking about what went wrong, when exactly the shit hit the fan...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this is an interesting bit here. I don't quite know if this could work as an introduction per see cause its not exactly introducing the idea of the story or anything, honestly this would make a pretty decent first paragraph for a first chapter, or maybe first two paragraphs cause a split in two is prolly a good idea with how much is mentioned here.
At any rate, I think besides that, on its own as a scene, this is pretty well constructed. You set the general stage of the area quite well, then the description of the kind of state the person is in also comes through quite well. This I think couples very nicely with the sort of situation being mentioned to create a powerful image in the reader's mind.
The ending is also pretty well done cause it just seems to promise more to come and that works incredibly well in drawing the readers in cause you are now left trying to imagine what it could all be about. In that way, this comes together as a scene really nicely I think. I'd certainly read more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hiya Hellokittyfreak777. There isn't much to say when others have said things already. well I like how you jump into the story but... It seems kind of vauge. I'm pretty interested though. Anyway, I just have one small spelling/grammar thing to cover:
A comma goes there.
Overall I am looking forward to seeing the next chapter.
~Ladypurple.
Hello.
My first complaint is your sentence structure. It stays the same, and the same sentence structure gets boring after awhile. I'd also suggest brushing up on when to create a new paragraph; right now, you have several short ones in here. To make this easier to follow, I'd have each idea be its own paragraph. Then we can keep track of every idea more easily, and this won't run together as much.
Onto the characters, I had a hard time connecting with your MC. There's no introspective thoughts on her situation, just "this happened, and that happened, and this hurts." We're not told how it hurts, how she feels about the situation going on, or anything of the sort. It's like the MC is a spectator of her own life, which is alright for third person but not first. With first person, you have the perfect opportunity to provide the character's inner life. And you're not really taking it the way you're skimming over the character's reaction to the situation.
The ending of the work, though, sort of worked. It provided a hook to continue reading, without giving too much away. But the lead-up to that hook wasn't really effective.
Overall, I'd work on making the MC sympathetic. Once you've created a connection with the reader, then the story will flow better and people will be more inclined to stick with it.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Hiya, HelloKittyFreak! SporkPunk here. (I really love Hello Kitty too!)
Grammar.
I couldn't find anything outstanding, except for this part:
I'm assuming you didn't actually mean that, I just wanted to point out how it doesn't make sense. xD
Here, you do a lot of telling rather than showing. When writing, in order to hook the reader's interest, you need to work on describing events through showing. A little tweaking and playing around with sentence structure can fix that. Also, you start off a lot of sentences with "I." Try switching up structures, because the "I" repetition tends to dull the reader's interest.
Story
I'm interested.
I apologize for the short review, but I think I covered everything major, since your piece was quite short.
Keep writing!
~Sporks
P.S. If you have questions, feel free to PM me about them.