E - Everyone

Cold Steel

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Chapter 1

A blinding blizzard raged across an icy tundra obscuring all from view. Standing tall, but hidden from view, an ancient castle sat upon the desert of pure white snow overlooking a large city. It pompously declared to the storm that nothing could make it move, and it was right. It had stood for hundreds, maybe thousands of years, outliving empires and all manner of kings. Trapped outside the thick metal walls of the manor, as it had been for as long as memory itself could recall. The frigid winds coming from the icy north howled and beat at the frosted window panes of the castle, seeking desperately to find a way in. Secreted away, deep within the innards of that mighty bulwark of metal was a small room, quiet and dark and peaceful. Encircled by the loving arms of the castle, a girl lay surrounded by the warmth of her bed, She was named Vasilisa Gerren and she was 17 years old. The curtains waved gently, swimming in the rich velvety blackness that flourished in the absence of light.

Slowly, all the people within the metal beast began to stir. Metal groaned, men heaved, and, ever so slowly, the gears mounted inside the thick metal walls began to move. By small increments, the warm comfy dark was chased from Vasilisa's room. She soon opened her eyes and found herself surrounded by darkness

She rose from her bed, brushing the crimson curtains aside. Walking to the side of her room, she depressed a hidden lever and a door opened. It was her wardrobe, with her armor and her coats. Lovingly, she brushed her fingers along the polished metals and the soft furs. Then slowly, almost hesitantly, she put on her armor, silver, and sleek, then on top she placed the fur of a rare fox only found on the island of Virgo. Walking over to her bed, she drew back the curtains, tying them with a slim golden ribbon then made her bed carefully, fluffing up the pillows and making sure the fabric of the bedclothes were stretched taut, as her father told her. Having finished, she took her heavy traveling pack and walked out the door.

She walked down the narrow hallway, which was illuminated with violet light. This violet light emanated from flowers planted in pots which were placed strategically along the hallways. These flowers were the lifeblood of her country. They provided the energy that ran their machines, and they also had the potential to boost the ability of telepaths. Reaching up, she picked a single flower, gently placed it in her mout,h and chewed.

She made it to the main hall, where Peter, her Kvrian Bodyguard was waiting for her. He embraced her as she came down the hallway his eyes shining. Peter looked like a little-lost child. Like all Kvrians, he was slim and lean. However, unlike most Kvrians, he was short. 

He wore a crimson uniform with the emblem of Galilea, her country, emblazoned on the left side of his chest. He looked at her face and then brushed a stray hair away from her forehead. And as he stood by her side she was comforted. For he was her shadow, and she loved him like she loved the inky darkness of her small room.

"Are you all right Lisa?" He looked intently at her, his dark face crinkling in concern

She smiled, "as well as can be" she motioned toward the door. 

"I'll tell you about it as we head toward the aeroport" 

Lisa and Peter approached the door. Smoothly, Peter pulled a lever and the heavy metal doors opened, as the gearwork behind the walls groaned with the strain. They walked out into the night, the cold wind buffeting them as they walked, and nipping at their ears.

At the touch of the cold, Peter pulled Lisa closer and whispered into her ear. "So? tell me."

She snuggled into 

She halted in front of the Regiment, shoulders taut, her forehead creasing, and the members of the regiment, seeing the look on her face, snapped to attention, their small dark eyes glinting with fear. Shaking her head, she motioned to the door, When nobody moved she spoke, "Coran the fool. Open the door." They were terse words, the words of someone who was in command

A huge brute, the largest of the bunch broke from the line, heading to the main door of the castle, he unlocked it, pulling the heavy iron bar that barred it off with ease. Then, almost comically, he hurriedly set it down on his foot.

Amid his roars of anguish, the huge man hopped along on one foot holding on for dear life to his bruised, perhaps broken foot. A few of the other men stifled the bright chuckles of merriment that threatened to rise out of their chests and burst out of their mouths. 

And someone did laugh, though not anyone that you would suspect. It was Vasilisa, known to the men under her command as Lady Gerren, and it was a cold mocking laugh, that carried with it the threat of merciless punishment. Turning to Peter, Lady Gerren motioned towards the door.

The men of the regiment looked perplexed as they say the teenager approach the door, and even more perplexed when he stopped in front of Coran, who was now down on one knee, clutching his foot, tears leaking out of the corners of his small eyes even though he had screwed them tightly shut. The teenager touched his shoulder, and then he murmured something to the man, though everyone could hear it. "Stand up." leaning on the teenager, Coran did as he asked. Just as Coran was about to thank him, Peter grabbed his arm, and with a clever technique that he had perfected for situations just like these, Peter sent Coran sailing through the front door. Turning to Lady Gerren, he smiled. "Look my lady! the doors are now open!" then, as the rest of the regiment gaped with open mouths, Peter walked quickly to Lady Gerren's side, and escorted her out the door

they walked briskly past Coran who lay face first in the snow, knocked out cold. Without turning back, Lady Gerren told the smallest member of the regiment to drag Coran back to the castle. Included in her message was the command that as she was afraid that the regiment would embarrass her, they would have to stay behind and look after the stables.

As they walked into the distance headed towards the center of the town, they left behind a regiment who were more than happy to stay behind because they were frightened out of their wits of their new commander.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Sun Dec 30, 2018 4:49 pm

Hey there, Heinrich! I saw that this chapter has been sitting around without very many reviews for a long time, and I only have one more review to go before I earn my next star, and it's Review Day, so I thought I'd drop by and review this interesting first chapter. :)

I really like the atmosphere you're going for here. It definitely fits with the title - Cold Steel. This feels like a hostile place, and you've done a good job of establishing in the very first chapter what kind of person Lady Gerren is.

I think the critiques I have for you revolve around style and word choice. I can tell you're trying really hard to use vivid imagery to create a dramatic scene, and it mostly works - you have a good balance of detail and action, enough detail to really set the tone, but not get too bogged down - but there are some little things to clean up that will help it feel more natural and less awkward in places.

The main thing I noticed that distracted me throughout the story was that you use too many adverbs. (As a rule of thumb, any word that ends in -ly counts as an adverb, and they describe how you're doing an action. So, happily, slowly, etc.) The thing with adverbs is, they're often not the best way to describe an action is occurring. Usually, it's better just to use a different, more specific verb. For example, "she walked quickly" is often better written as "she strode," "she rushed," or "she hurried." It just gives a much more specific image, and does so in fewer words.

In your chapter, it felt like everything the characters were doing was modified by an adverb - everyone was doing everything slowly, or carefully. Ctr+f "ly" and you'll see what I mean. It got to be distracting, and definitely took away from the gravitas of the scene. You already use quite good verbs here, so I think the adverbs are often just unnecessary, for example:

Reaching up, she picked a single flower and slowly and delicately placed it in her mouth and chewed.

"Placed" already has the connotations of an action that is deliberate and careful, so "slowly and delicately" isn't helping the sentence - it's just slowing the reader down.

The other main thing I wanted to quickly comment on was paragraphs and pacing. The pacing of the first half of the chapter felt fine, but when it got to the paragraph where Peter approaches Coran, it felt a little bit strange. I think it's because you have it all in one really long paragraph, when it would be better broken up. For one, in writing, the rule is to start a new paragraph every time there's a new line of dialogue, Peter has two lines of dialogue in that paragraph, and neither of them begin a new one, even though they should.

One last small thing - I was also confused by how you kept calling Peter "the teenager." Why not just call him Peter? Same with Vasilisa - you use "she" so much between telling us her name at the beginning of the chapter and using it again at then when saying who laughed, that I had almost forgotten that was her name.

And I think that's all I've got! I know I kind of focused on the negative here, but really I think this is a strong start. Like I said, you've done a really good job establishing the setting and the character in this very first chapter. I spent most of my time commenting on the sentence-level word choice stuff because I think that's really the main thing you have left to work on here. Good luck with this story, and keep writing!

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ThatOneGuy2002
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Epic, awesome job my man!!! I love the chapter, it really is alluring! I cant wait until you post some more!

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FireSpyGirl
Review

Hi there!

So I really don't have much critiquing or suggestions to offer, as this is a very interesting chapter. I like the imagery, and I like how well you convey to the reader Lady Gerren's personality. There is only one little thing I noticed, and that is on this sentence:

"The men of the regiment looked perplexed as they say the teenager approach the door,"

Just a little typo, but did you mean to say "saw?" :) That was a little confusing.

Anyway, keep up the good work!



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