Published February 29, 2008
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,389 Reviews
Don't tease me *pout* I just picked a random example because I'm in my free right now and should be finishing off my English coursework XD
I think those could be a series of shorter sentences, they would have more impact than one big sentence separated by semi-colons. "We have spoken falsely; he lied, arbitrarily and with ease." Full stop, capital letter.
Yes, I do have a habit of letting my sentences run away with me sometimes.
Attempt at not being "too nice":
Some of the sentences make me think "OMG when is this sentence going to be over", not as bad as the sort of run on sentences a five year old comes out with but enough that it makes me think "Time for a full stop now".
So there, I can too be critical
Hey there,
Very interesting stuff.
I'm assuming that the free direct speech at the start (i.e. without speech marks) is deliberate and not some careless error. If it is, just stick the marks in to make it clear.
"To be reminded of that time...he didn't want it" sounds clumsy. Try: "He didn't want to be reminded of that time when..." - this is much more natural and flows better.
"proclaiming we are guilty": 'we are guilty' should be enclosed in speech marks, it's clearly not free direct speech.
A lot of the "we have sinned for this... we have sinned for that" etc. could be cut out. It's unnecessary dead weight that doesn't forward the plot. Make your point, move on.
The description could be made more active in places and not so passive. Instead of "the sky was dark and there was a shuddering rumble of thunder" try "thunder rumbled across the dark sky." This is much more direct and straightforward.
The transition from the man's dreams to the hospital is abrupt and extremely effective. When this story works, it works beautifully. A good first attempt, well done.
7.5/10
Thanks for the tips and positive comments.
GryphonFledgling, I kind of know what you mean about not being able to tell between his words and the narration, but it's actually meant to be a bit blurred in that bit. He's in the depths of despair and it's all supposed to come across as a bit...well, murky. That's a good word.
Hebrew; it was in italics...damn me. Must remember to check stuff like that.
Thanks for saying it was tragic. It was meant to be.
This was really powerful. I loved the way he was praying while trying to kill himself. It was so tragic.
One thing to make this easier to read might be to enclose his words in quotation marks or perhaps put them in italics. As it is, I was confused sometimes whether I was reading his words or the narration. So yeah, marking them a bit better would make it simpler to see what was going on.
Also, later when he is praying in Hebrew and then you have the translation afterwards, again you might want to set the two apart somehow. Maybe put the Hebrew in italics since he is speaking it and then the translation in italics so that it is shown that is the meaning.
But other than that, I loved it. Your style was so beautiful. Really, really great.
~GryphonFledgling
Hi, I'm new here. I really enjoyed your writing, I think it's a really good story.
I like this.
It's an odd story, but very good.