How To Tell If He's A Loser

How to tell if he’s a loser
Every so often, us girls happen to come across an individual who seems to be the epitome of perfect. But then, he does something that suddenly raises these flags in our head (of the red variety). Our brain goes like ‘Oops. What he just did by not calling you back for a week and then suddenly wanting to hang out is kind of fishy!’. But, you’re totally in love! I mean, so what if the guy didn’t have the time to call you or even drop a text, and before that he’d been calling you and texting you every day until that fateful date when…well, really only you know what you did. But well, it changed things.
Except, even though your brain, your guts, and most other organs in your sexy body are telling you the same thing: ‘that’s slightly fishy’, you choose to listen to the one organ, that one that is supposedly shaped like a top view of a bosom or… you know, someone’s booty, if you’re so inclined. And what happens? You’ve landed yourself a ‘loser’.
So, here’s a How To guide which you can use to guide yourself when you simply don’t know.

1.Hot and Cold – Katy Perry said it in her song. Seriously, some guys go from sizzlin’ hot ‘I’m all over you’ to icicle cold, ‘You look like an orangutan’ faster than you can say ‘Loser’. I mean, come on! Why do you have to deal with these sudden unexplained mood swings? Today, he’s buying you dinner, walking you to your house….lining rose petals to your bed (okay, maybe not). The next day, he’s detached, can’t take your calls, avoids physical contact with you, and when you quite reasonably ask ‘What’s wrong?’,he replies with a grunt and then mutters under his breath ‘Nothing…’. Because, you’re supposed to know what’s going on in his head! Like, hello? Or so he thinks.

And fine, we all have mood swings. We can’t always be pleasant. It’s quite reasonable to expect that he won’t always be the romantic Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet at every chance he gets. But then, this becomes a cycle. The constant mood swings, like he just can’t make up his mind? It’s because he can’t! Loser alert! Is he your boyfriend or the angst filled adolescent you have agreed to babysit free of charge?

2.Peek-a-boo- I am here, now I’m not. Where did I go? Seem familiar? Does it seem like he’s attached to your hip for a couple of weeks, and then seems to disappear for the next two? Or, even worse, like he calls every once in a while, acts like he’s just been ‘so busy’ and begs that he makes it up to you? At 3 A.M.? That same night? Hmmm…

Fishy? I think so.

But, you love him so much, and how is he expected to always clear out his schedule for you? You’re not even going steady, yet! It’s so new (only like, what three months of these mind games?). You tried contacting him in every way you could think before you realized how pathetic you looked. And now, all of a sudden, the call comes, and you pick up right away, like the inlurvee girl that you are. And immediately, you hear his cool, collected voice saying, ‘I’ve been so unfair to you! Let make it up to you (at your place, under your bed covers, preferably without the use of clothing)?’ And you’re like, all breathless, ‘Yes, yes, please do!’ Instead of, ‘Sorry, I have a life. And I don’t have time for people who choose to walk in and out of it when they please.’ Because, incidentally, that is the healthiest way to respond to a guy who was too busy sticking it up some other beehive (hope those bees gave him what he deserves).

3.I don’t like ‘labeling’ things- You’ve been ‘dating’ for like, what? Three months now? Four? Possibly even six? Yet, you don’t dare even mention commitment. My, how that would send him running! You sense it, of course. If you didn’t, you would have said something about it. But you know that if you do, that fragile relationship you have where you’re constantly walking on eggshells around him? Yeah, that’ll be gone. Yet, you want something else. When you casually inquire, ‘What did you do this weekend?’, he answers with a mysterious ‘Wouldn’t you like to know?’. When you use his phone to call your friend since you ran out of credit, the call log goes something like ‘Long Legs’, ‘Big Boobs’, ‘Awesome Ass’, you know, if he’s into alliterations.

And then, you politely inquire about the meaning of all this. And he says in his typical ‘chilled’ voice ‘Oh, that’s just some other babes I hang with sometimes.’
Or, perhaps, you’re on his bed making out, and his phone rings. But wait! The shock and horror! He does not ignore it. Instead, he picks up. An argument ensues:

‘Well, Skipper, really! I told you that I don’t want anything serious….No….No…I never made you any promises! …Skipper, look, I have to go. I’m at Barbie’s right now.’

Stunned? Yep. Yeah, if you’re looking for commitment, he’s probably not your keeper. And he never will be. Because, chances are, you’re just Curvy Chick on his phone list. Drop him like you’d drop a hot potato you grabbed by mistake.

4.Rude Boy- Really, there seems to be a song about most of these categories. I guess pop stars date a lot of losers. Or R’n’B stars. Whatever, the mainstream is the mainstream. Here, we won’t be asking our ‘Rude Boys’ to get it up. Indeed, ladies, we shall be asking them ever so politely to please ‘pack it up before we give their derriere a rather forceful nudge in the direction of the door.’

The Rude Boy Checklist:

• He ignores you when you’re with other people.
• He chats up random girls while you’re right there next to him, and when you try to make conversation, he blatantly ignores your attempts.
• He often criticizes the way you act, look, dress, as if you’re in some way obliged to dress or act in a certain way to please him.
• He cancels your dates last minute, after you’ve spent hours getting ready.
• When you confront him, he says that you’re ‘overreacting, being dramatic’, or that you’ve ‘changed.’

No, gorgeous. You haven’t changed. There is nothing wrong with you. But, you seem to be dating Mr. Rude himself. Egg his house and dump him. Or dump him and then egg his house. Whatever suits you. Because, you’re in no way obliged to do anything that anyone demands of you- especially change for some loser.

Ok girls, this is by no means a comprehensive list. But, hey. It seems to cover some major bases. So, does your ‘babe’ fit into any of those categories? All of them? Time to rethink that perfection you so generously bestowed upon him, I believe. Good Luck!