Young Writers Society

Um, hey everybody. I thought I would just clear the air on this poem...
First of all, thank you all for your comments/critiques and suggestions, I really do appreciate them all.
Second, sorry if it was vague but that was sort of the thing I was going for. Guess I really didn't pull it off that well though.
Third, it's not about a rapist, just an obsessive relationship.
Fourth, yes this probably should have gone into lyrical poetry considering I think of it as a song and wrote it as such. I have no clue why I put it into the category that I did... I posted this a looooong time ago so I forget.
Fifth, this isn't my best work, so I hope no one judges the entire embodiment of my writing abilities on this one poem.
Again, thanks for you time, reads, and comments.

Uou lost me, but that's not to say I didn't like it. It was very intriguing.


I don’t want to hate her,
I don’t even love her….
I don’t like to hit her,
I don’t even know her…

and then

I don’t want to kill her,
I don’t even love her…
I don’t like to hurt her,
I don’t even know her…

the repeption is brillian, and I love the way it moves on. Same with the other stanzas. Great! Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

I liked this poem but I'm sorry to say I didn't really understand it...I guess I'm just not "deep enough"...

I think if you added another stanza or two and put it to music, it would be an excellent song!

Nice work!

this is really well written and the flow and rhythm is flawless.

but... what the poem is actually about is hard to understand, i'm not sure i know what point you're making. poetry is about writing what you feel to make yourself understood, if you could find a way to clarify what you're trying to say that'd be great.

otherwise it was really good!

but it's very lyrical, like a song

The first line here is really great. I'm not sure that this really benefits from the rhyming scheme which you use. It seems to be a little restrictive in parts, e.g;
"and screams back that I lied."

I'd cut the repeated verse entirely as I'm no sure it really adds much. Maybe try showing more than you tell.

I think that the tenses are a bit mixed up in the third stanza, mostly down to efforts at rhyme;
"Because she killed the heartless,
And gives up on all I leave."

I'd try this again, for the sake of experimentation, using the first line as your starting point, as it's very powerful and draws the reader in.

Good luck. Hope this helps!

Jas

that was extremely well done,
although to those who aren't very deep, they may not understand it
which is why a person has said "I don't like it" because she doesn't know the feeling within the poem
although I know I understand the feeling in it, so I like it.
if people get lost reading this, I don't think they have enough experience to really know,
sure they may have read a book that had a person whom had a feeling like it, but unfortunately they can't really experience it.
get out into the world and really think about it, if you don't get it, people.

This was really vague. Your language was pretty, but I didn't really know what you were talking about. A guy lost his girlfriend? Was she crazy and he was disillusioned? I really didn't understand it.

But it was pretty and your rhythm was really sing-song and nice. I got a vague feeling of confusion from the narrator (meaning that was what I felt he was feeling) but that was really all I got out of it.

It has potential to be something great with a little editing. Good luck!

~GryphonFledgling

that was extremely well done,
although to those who aren't very deep, they may not understand it
which is why a person has said "I don't like it" because she doesn't know the feeling within the poem
although I know I understand the feeling in it, so I like it.
if people get lost reading this, I don't think they have enough experience to really know,
sure they may have read a book that had a person whom had a feeling like it, but unfortunately they can't really experience it.
get out into the world and really think about it, if you don't get it, people.
I love it!
keep writing this such I give it a 10/10
great great great!

~Misa

You lost me after the first line. It's an interesting first line, but what follows doesn't live up to the intrigue of the beginning.

This poem suffers from being overly vague and repetitive. The rhyme is often not true rhyme, and when it is, it doesn't really serve much of a purpose other than to make the poem sound childish. Ditch the abstract images and cliche emotions; tell us a story! Describe a unique moment in time. Anything but this.

-Colleen

She thinks that she loves nightmares,
And once I almost died.
Because she kills the dreamers,
And screams back that I lied.

I don’t want to hate her,
I don’t even love her….
I don’t like to hit her,
I don’t even know her…

She thinks that she’s the goddess,
And once I couldn’t breathe.
Because she killed the heartless,
And gives up on all I leave.

I don’t want to kill her,
I don’t even love her…
I don’t like to hurt her,
I don’t even know her…

Wow. So is the narrator like a rapist? Wow. Um, the poem is pretty good, but I can't say I liked it ) Is this supposed to be a song? I mean, the repetition is fabulous don't get me wrong. But this would go more in lyrical poetry?

I didn't think, just glancing at the second stanza, that I would like it, but I do. I really like the way it sounds, almost like it should be in a song, and the repetition doesn't bother me in the slightest. Not sure I like the third stanza so much, but I do like the continuity of dying/not being able to breathe. Good job.