Published October 2, 2010
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130,403 Literary Works • 671,513 Reviews
Hello there.
Outside is one word.
These are the only mistakes I found. Yay! I like this story. It fun too know that it's not always the girls that are madly in love. Because normally it's the girls that are the main characters to those types or stories. And I have a feeling there's an entire purpose to that. Creating suspense... Good job.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Wow I loved the ending to this! I'm sorry to say that I didn't read the first part, but now I wish I had because I liked it so much but I really didn't know what was going on. :\
One thing I think you're really good at is having realistic-sounding dialogue. My only suggestion is that sometimes when they say "yes," make them say "yeah" instead. Sometimes "yes" feels a little forced. Also, use tons of contractions. People pretty much always use contractions when they can when they're talking.
I love the way you are doing characterization with your dialogue, but in some parts it gets a little bit slow. To fix this, I'd say just add in some of what the characters are thinking about what is being said.
Overall I think this is a really cute love story/drama! I can't wait to read how it ends.
~Amylith