Torryn Gravald’s mount rode steadily over the flat grasslands. The sun beat down on him, with his thick steel armor helping none. The heat of the open, shade less terrain had already claimed four of the other men in his group. Now just three were left, including Torryn. The three men stopped at a small knoll overlooking a mighty river. Here, though not that far up, the ground was so flat that they could see for hundreds of miles in the clear blue sky. The Dire Mountains to the east, separating their empire from the wild lands. Et, the capital of the nation far in the distance, with its lights nothing but a glimmer on the grassy sea before them. But today, their destination did not lie in the comforts of an inn at Et, or the rocky badlands of the Dire Mountains. They were going to the in between place, a small fort that overlooked and guarded these grasslands. It lay just a few miles east, along the twisting trail of the Kajulii River. It was not a large fort, Torryn thought as the group began to move off the knoll. A small ditch with wooden spikes lay at the stone walls of the base, with a drawbridge and two guard towers that watched over it. A barracks, armory, blacksmith and mess hall with the officers’ quarters located in the center of it all. Impressive, but not to those who had seen the Stronghold, a mighty stone castle located at the center of the Venresen Empire. Here, the Emperor resided with the royal family. It was massive, with a moat that stretched so far it made the river in front of them look like a stream and massive stone walls that made the mountains themselves ashamed.
As they approached the small fort Jaru, cries came from the watchtower to lower the drawbridge and let them pass. The officials knew they were coming, and the tall black and green banner one man in the group carried secured their seal, to leave no doubt who they were. His horse stepped onto the worn wooden planks of the bridge with a solid thump. He rode forward, into the camp before him. He heard the pounding of the blacksmith as he forged new blades and spear tips, soldiers training in the small practice yard next to the barracks. Aromas whiffed through the air from the mess hall. It was not the most delicious thing he had ever smelled, but after a hard ride from Tawr it was enough to make his stomach growl. Food would have to wait in his case. As horse keepers approached to take their mounts to the stables, the two other men Torryn was traveling with dismounted and moved towards the mess hall. Their mission was to get Torryn to Fort Jaru, and now their part was done. They would probably ride back next morning. A horse keeper grabbed the reins of Torryn’s stallion as he slide off. His feet hit the dusty ground with a puff of dirt, the grass here pounded away by the feet of drilling soldiers day after day.
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140,135 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hiya,
) so here, try something like plodding (random word for heading forwards) or cantering (an actual horse gate) or the like. The horse isn't really riding, so yeah, you might want to change that.
Before I start, I just have to ask: Is that Blue from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends (i think thats what its called) in your profile picture? Because if it is, you are awesome.
Anyways, is this the first chapter of something? If so, it is a bit on the short side, and it does need some additional information to it (otherwise it is slightly confusing). Anyway, I saw several things wrong with punctuation (I attack all wrong punctuation I see) and a few things I found weird. So here it goes:
"Torryn Gravald’s mount rode steadily over the flat grasslands." Here, I find the "rode" to be a bit funny (might be my riding kicking in but whatever
"with his thick steel armor helping none." Here, try rephrasing that to something like "With his thick, steel armor not making it any better" or something else (i'm sure that you can come up with something better than that). The "helping none" is just weird and distracts from the story.
In the next sentence, I believe shadeless is one word.
"they could see for hundreds of miles in the clear blue sky." weirdness there. I personally think something like under would work better than in.
"The Dire Mountains to the east, separating their empire from the wild lands." FRAGMENT!!! ('nuff said there I think.)
I find it funny that you named the capitol Et. My mind immediately saw that and translated it to and because that is what et means in latin. And the sentence talking about Et is a fragment as well. (Put in some verbs or combined these two sentences with another sentence)
"But today, their destination did not lie in the comforts of an inn at Et, or the rocky badlands of the Dire Mountains." the comma is only needed if the fanboy (I dont know if that is a universal term or my english teachers all magically came up with the same idea and loved it) is followed by an independent clause.
"A barracks, armory, blacksmith and mess hall with the officers’ quarters located in the center of it all." That sentence seems... awkward to me. I am pretty sure it is a complete sentence, but it made me have to puzzle over it for a while before I figured out what it was saying/what it was supposed to mean.
"Impressive, but not to those who had seen the Stronghold, a mighty stone castle" you could change the last comma there to a colon so it would be "Stronghold: a mighty..." to give it a little punctuation variety because it is all very uniform with the commas and periods and nothing else.
"It was massive, with a moat that stretched so far it made the river in front of them look like a stream and massive stone walls that made the mountains themselves ashamed." You used massive twice in this sentence. Try to not repeat words that close to each other. It gets boring if you use the same words over and over.
"the tall black and green banner one man in the group carried secured their seal, to leave no doubt who they were." This might just be my writing style taking over, but I think you should change it to "banner one of the men in the group" and "secured their seal, leaving no doubt". It isn't a necessary change, but oh well.
"He rode forward, into the camp before him. He heard" you used the same starting word for both of the sentences here, and it doesn't really seem like a stylistic thing like "I came. I saw. I conquered." (veni vidi vici for the world ^^) which uses the I repeatedly to emphasize it. This just seems to be a repeat for no reason.
"He heard the pounding of the blacksmith as he forged new blades and spear tips, soldiers training in the small practice yard next to the barracks." Here is a lovely example of a comma splice. You have a few options here to fix it. Either you can just change the comma between spear tips and soldiers to a period and add a were before the training, or you can add an and before the soldiers and leave in the comma.
"Aromas whiffed through the air from the mess hall." I personally think wafted would work better than whiffed here because wafted refers to a steady stream and whiffed refers to puffs (if that makes sense, look them up in a dictionary)
"It was not the most delicious thing he had ever smelled, but after a hard ride from Tawr it was enough" A comma should probably go between Tawr and it
"His feet hit the dusty ground with a puff of dirt, the grass here pounded away by the feet of drilling soldiers day after day. " So one last thing here. You can leave it as it is, or you can change it. I find the comma there to be strange. I think you should revise it to something like "Puff of dirt, for the grass here was pounded..." and so on.
So anyways, this sounds very interesting, and I would like to read more of it. And if you have any questions on what I said, feel free to ask me. Till then, I'm out. Later.
I very much like the writting. Im a little lost, if this is the first chapter some more back ground information would be nice but i still like the writting. It reminds me of Eragon.
Wow, thanks! Anyway, I'll be sure to do that.
Its really good, I like it. A better catch sentence would be good(assuming this is the beginning), and I did find it hard to figure out how to say some of the names, like tawr. But that's all I noticed, good job
Yay my first comment! And yes I do agree with you, the names are hard to pronounce. Anyways, thanks for the comment and I'll be re-editing this now.