z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The dance of clockwork

by Headinthestars2525


This is some of my older work so it may not be the best 

Chapter 1: Calypso’s new dawn

I opened up my eyes to a new dawn like no other Sunrise came as a golden tunnel to a world of forever-light as i slipped out of my sheets of silk i felt a cool breeze and sorrow washing over me after all im still stuck in the clock tower my mother trapped me in it felt like eons ago and in my case it kinda was Ive been trapped here since i was 3 my “mother” would deliver food to the tower my mother was actually my step mother i never really considered her my mother she always said I was destined to keep time for as long as i live although she claims she’s been getting warnings from spirits that i would be the reason reality ends i didn’t believe her of course i just had to merely pretend but i have had visions of the world slowly shattering before my eyes as i played Vivaldi’s experience i had a solemn look on my face and tears were running down my cheeks but its just a vision not a reality id have to live in the future… right? I slowly ascended the steps my head bowed i started the gears and i watched as the cogs spun into motion i kinda enjoy their metallic smell i listened to their distinct tick… tick… tick and i heard a knock on the door it must be mother i swung down the steps and waited at the door hoping she maybe brought my favorite rice instead of that bland other kind but she never came she must’ve been busy i loved when she shared the occasional quote from the dark ages my favorite was “Nev'r receiveth thy desires up 'r thee shall nev'r prosp'r” i ran my fingers through my dark brittle hair if only i had company if only if only i felt tired in a way tired of being stuck in this wretched tower full of nothing but dust and sorrow i headed back to my bed the sheets greeted me with warm arms and i slowly drifted into the dreamworld that I’ve always known. I woke up to the sky being shades of indigo and mauve i slept through the whole day i went downstairs to check if mother had left dinner weirdly enough the lock seemed… weaker sure enough she hadn’t slid the deadbolt in all the way I could escape i ran upstairs and grabbed as much cash as i could carry my old rotary phone although it might as well be useless and my real mothers locket it meant the world and beyond to me i stuffed it all in my pale brown messenger bag and i kicked at the door until the weak locks broke out i cant believe it i can be… free

Chapter 2 : the outside

I breathed in the cool air it felt almost whimsical like it wasn’t real.. but it was i felt warm tears of joy graze my face. I have never seen outside since i was like 2. My real mother always enjoyed the outdoors. I never felt this way before… was it happiness? Was it love? I don’t know what I’m feeling i just haven’t felt this since my real mother was alive. Was i dreaming or dying. Was my life flashing before my eyes. Everything was a mystery.well felt for eternity. was my long awaited break from sorrow finally here? I closed my eyes and let the rain absorb me into its tranquil state i felt like the chains that bound me to the tower had finally broke i strolled through the rain i didn’t care if i had no umbrella i just breathed in the misty air and carried on i let the tension in my shoulders ease i could finally live my life to the fullest and i could let the melancholy feelings seep out of my bones then i saw it a beautiful sap green grand piano in the store window and there was a sign next to it “win this piano in tonight’s raffle” i felt conflict mother had always forbidden me from playing piano she said she saw me playing a piano in her visions making her think that me playing will make our world cave in but i decided that ancient Eldritch women couldn’t stop me now im 16 i can make my own decisions im the mighty calypso so i marched into the store it smelled of wood and daydreams i walked up to the counter and grabbed the raffle ticket the raffle was going to be in an hour an a half i quickly filled out my ticket “calypso wanderer” I hadn’t wrote my full name since i was 5 i quickly made my way to the stage of the raffle i helped myself to some free scones and biscuits from woodwarts witchy delights and i waited..

Chapter 3 : your hope has payed off

“Hello everybody welcome to the annual musical raffle” a watched as they raffled off everything from violas to oboes to cellos and finally the moment came they were picking the number for the grand prize that I was yearning for that grand piano i listened closely as he called out the sequence of numbers one by one “6”… “1”…. “0” my mind was racing a million miles a minute those were my first 3 numbers “7”…”7”…”2” my mind was jumping fr joy so far its exactly like my sequence only 2 more numbers to go will i win or not “7” omg one more number and this piano could be mine “this last ones harder to see it’s an” my mid was racing could it be an 8 I could have that piano if it was “it’s an 8 folks” i felt excitement blooming out of me i came up and claimed my prize i watched as the 2 men brought the piano into the clock tower i had it put on the observational area of the clock tower meaning i could play near the gears

Chapter 4 : nothing lasts forever

I sat down and started to play fur Elise i had watched so many video lessons on piano that i knew right away how to play i knew what song i had to play the song that can bring tears to my eyes… experience it had this unexplainable feeling attached to it it felt beautiful but melancholy at the same time just as i started to play it “mother” broke in “stop you’re making a mistake” she looked at me “calypso if you play that you will bring forth the end of the world i never told you this but you have powers that’s why i Locked you in here it was for your own good you can bring death to peoples doorstep you’re the son of nyx” my jaw dropped “mother im sorry but piano is my passion and i wont give it up” ah thats my most selfish move i started playing the cogs kept turning i finally realized her visions were true i felt the tears coming down while the world crumbled around me i played my final song i guess this is the end of my tragic tale i watched as mother faded away it felt like the world was becoming less and less real i was born into chaos and i was wiling to end In chaos i whispered my last words before me and my reality faded to nothingness.


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125 Reviews


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Thu Apr 20, 2023 10:42 pm
PickledChrissy wrote a review...



Hello There!

Posting your work online for the critique of others is a deeply vulnerable action. Well done! You're young and have still managed to deliver a deeply imaginative work of art. Not only that, but four chapters of it!

But like all new works, there is room for improvement. You need to focus on paragraphs, punctuation, and proper grammar.

I'll start with paragraphs. You're using your chapters like paragraphs, but each chapter should be broken up as well.

A paragraph is an group of related ideas within another group. When the idea changes, progresses to the next level, you start a new paragraph.

I sat down and started to play fur Elise i had watched so many video lessons on piano that i knew right away how to play i knew what song i had to play the song that can bring tears to my eyes… experience it had this unexplainable feeling attached to it it felt beautiful but melancholy at the same time just as i started to play it “mother” broke in “stop you’re making a mistake” she looked at me “calypso if you play that you will bring forth the end of the world i never told you this but you have powers that’s why i Locked you in here it was for your own good you can bring death to peoples doorstep you’re the son of nyx” my jaw dropped “mother im sorry but piano is my passion and i wont give it up” ah thats my most selfish move i started playing the cogs kept turning i finally realized her visions were true i felt the tears coming down while the world crumbled around me i played my final song i guess this is the end of my tragic tale i watched as mother faded away it felt like the world was becoming less and less real i was born into chaos and i was wiling to end In chaos i whispered my last words before me and my reality faded to nothingness.


This can be broken up into several smaller pieces. I'll just do a few lines of it, so I don't give you too much to read.

I sat down and started to play fur Elise i had watched so many video lessons on piano that i knew right away how to play i knew what song i had to play the song that can bring tears to my eyes…

experience it had this unexplainable feeling attached to it. it felt beautiful but melancholy at the same time just as i started to play it “mother” broke in

“stop you’re making a mistake” she looked at me


Let me know if you need another example!

Now I'll move onto the punctuation and grammar.

I sat down and started to play Fur Elise. I had watched so many video lessons on piano that i knew right away how to play. I knew what song i had to play, the song that can bring tears to my eyes.

It had this unexplainable feeling attached to it. It felt beautiful but melancholy at the same time.

Just as i started to play it, mother broke in.

“Stop, you’re making a mistake.” She looked at me.


Again, let me know if you need me to go further into that.

Be careful to be consistent with the capitalization. The first word of every sentence is capitalized, as are names and song titles.

Practice makes perfect! Keep slaving away at it. Work towards perfection and in time you shall achieve excellence.

Christus Rex Est,

Pickled Chrissy




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Wed Apr 19, 2023 4:15 pm
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Roxanne wrote a review...



Hi there!

Your story has a certain deep emotion in it that makes it enjoyable to read. As a lover of dramatic and mysterious stories, this story turned out to be just the right one to read right now. There are some grammatical and punctuation errors that made it a bit difficult to fully understand where this story is going.

For example:
"I opened up my eyes to a new dawn like no other Sunrise came as a golden tunnel to a world of forever-light as i slipped out of my sheets of silk i felt a cool breeze and sorrow washing over me after all im still stuck in the clock tower my mother trapped me in it felt like eons ago and in my case it kinda was Ive been trapped here since i was 3 my “mother” would deliver food to the tower my mother was actually my step mother i never really considered her my mother she always said I was destined to keep time for as long as i live although she claims she’s been getting warnings from spirits that i would be the reason reality ends...."
There are no commas or periods in this part, it just goes on and on. And maybe change the word "Ive" to "I've", people would understand it better that way.
Other than that, I think you did a great job writing such a piece, your way of describing is fantastic. "no other Sunrise came as a golden tunnel to a world of forever-light", this sentence creates a very vivid image in the reader's mind and has the perfect feeling with it.

Your main character has a very unique hobby, which is playing the piano, because, as you've explained, that's also going to doom the whole world. And the fact that he was the son of a nyx is an awesome plot twist. You have quite an big imagination.

But I'm not sure if I understand the story completely. Was this all a dream for Calypso?

I'm getting confused here:
"...if only i felt tired in a way tired of being stuck in this wretched tower full of nothing but dust and sorrow i headed back to my bed the sheets greeted me with warm arms and i slowly drifted into the dreamworld that I’ve always known."

Anyhoo, chapter 4 would probably be my favorite chapter. "it had this unexplainable feeling attached to it it felt beautiful but melancholy at the same time". The beginning of it has a sort of feeling of freedom and a feeling of having the right to be able to do anything. But not soon after that, tragedy strikes. How is the feeling of knowing that you're the downfall of everything?

Despite the mistakes, you have written an amazing and unique story and should be very proud of yourself. I also like the title of your story, it has a kind of magical touch to it.

I hope my feedback was helpful. All the best, and keep writing.


-Rose

https://rosewriting12.blogspot.com/






Thank you so much
The advice was appreciated



Roxanne says...


It was my pleasure!



Roxanne says...


It was my pleasure!



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Points: 40
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Wed Apr 19, 2023 1:08 pm



I appreciate constructive criticism since im always looking to improve




User avatar


Points: 40
Reviews: 4

Donate
Wed Apr 19, 2023 1:08 pm



I appreciate constructive criticism since im always looking to improve



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Alwyet says...


Agree with your fnaf games point.




Brain freezes are temporary, but milkshakes are forever.
— SilverNight