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Swords&shadows (unfinished)

by Headinthestars2525


I arose from my slumber to the sunrise coming as a golden tunnel to a world of forever light and the lake beside my house was glimmering In the callow light of dawn i trotted over to the closet and dressed myself in my brothers flax colored tunic and hung his black cape adorned with a shining golden brooch i hoisted my sword crafted by the finest blacksmith in town after all today was the long awaited day ive waited for today i start the journey to find my parents who abandoned me as a baby today i will leave uncle orwen in search of them i am jancey the great i trotted downstairs to my uncle brewing up some sort of kaleidoscopic potion “oh good morrow jancey” he chirped as he threw some rosemary into the cauldron “good morrow is the bread done cooking uncle orwen” i greeted “oh why yes it is jancey” he bantered “amazing lemme just saddle up the horse and ill grab the bread and be on my way” i trotted out towards Adeline she was such a beautiful mare with her silky and wavy black mane i lifted the saddle up and onto her as I reached for the bridle my hands only met air “where’s the bridle” i bolted over to the stables and rifled through the various horse bridles im sure uncle wouldn’t mind if i took one and i found it a beautiful bridle adorned with little knights on their horses i grabbed it and clicked it onto Adeline i trotted back into our beautiful Tudor style house and snatched the bread and stuffed it in my messenger bag i hopped onto Adeline who was carrying all my stuff and we were off i felt a sense of calm wash over me as Adeline went from walking to cantering to galloping i could finally find them alas i would have to leave everything ive ever known the sweet cider smell in the air, the moonlight pale lilies in the garden every year, the lake teardrop silver in color with smooth stones glowing amber with a Witchery uncommon to the world, and the overall eldritch beauty of it all i set out into the foggy fir forest i looked to the Tuscany blue sky before advancing further as Adeline set off deeper into the forest with its old and otherworldly charm the mist gleamed like witch dust and squirrels foraged for food under the wispy moss i was in awe at the size and majesty of the trees as Adeline trotted further into the ancient forest reeking with age I must’ve fell asleep because the next thing I saw was a small town despite being deep in the forest earlier Adeline trotted towards an old musky smelling stable and i was greeted by a warm voice filled with sunshine “hello there im hunter the stable boy we don’t get visitors often we will be glad to take care of your wonderful horse if needed” a smile formed on his face he was you’re average stable boy blonde and dressed in his raggedy stable clothes i hopped off Adeline and handed him the bridle with a chipped grin he trotted off and led Adeline into a stall I decided to wander into the village there were tons of people all looked so friendly a guy happily playing a lute, a teen who was carefully noting his findings about trees nearby, a shopkeeper sweeping up, and an old man feeding the cardinals ah i felt like i was kinda at home in a way i entered a shop the walls were decked out with herbs of all types and so many potions the shopkeeper was sort of witchy in nature she had a grotesque look on her face her hair was oleaginous and she possessed vulpine eyes savage and cunning and a ravens nose she had pointy fireworshipper-black eyebrows her eyes scorched with hate and she had thin bloodless lips

Clearly a witch but i still approached her she could have something useful “do you by any chance have any potions for fighting the creatures of the night?” After all the forest could be extremely dangerous during the night she replied in her vile yet hypnotic voice “of course dearie we have tons of those” she led me to a dark section with swords hung on the walls “this ones perfect it will release a mist that can paralyze whatever breaths it” she gestured to a warping black and blue potion in a skull shaped bottle “you can get this potion of great power for 15 silver” i dug through my bag and handed her 15 silver the way the coins gleamed in the light left me in awe she handed me the potion as i felt its weight in my hand I felt powerful…. unstoppable i wandered outside of the eerie shop with its strange owner weirdly enough this village seems to have a lot of people in identity smoothing masks and hooded cloaks it feels eerie looking at them i decided that i needed a local and who better than hunter the stable boy i ran back to the stable passing the man with the lute, and the old soul feeding the cardinals i bumped into hunter weirdly enough i think. Was falling for him with his Viking blonde hair cute lil tooth gap and fierce yet also soft taurine eyes and his hawklike nose “hey could you maybe show me around town.. well if its ok with you” i said i knew my voice probably cracked did i have a crush on him…? Nonsense after my mission is complete ill befriend him and then slowly worm my way into his heart “of course im not busy so lets go” he skipped out the door, i followed “so can u show me the best places in..” i paused i never got the town name “gravesfield” he informed 


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Points: 40
Reviews: 4

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Stickied -- Tue Apr 18, 2023 5:09 pm
Headinthestars2525 says...



I’m proud of my work im an aspiring author who wants to share my work feel free to leave constructive criticism as i am always looking to improve my work i will be posting this in parts since im actively working on it expect long breaks between parts and I apologize in advance for that anyways please enjoy my work i will be posting some of my other story’s as well when i get more points




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17 Reviews

Points: 49
Reviews: 17

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Sun Apr 30, 2023 10:10 am
HB1103 wrote a review...



Hey there! Here's my review of your story:

Firstly, you've included really vivid descriptions of the setting, which can help transport the reader into the story's world. Your use of sensory details, such as the smell of sweet cider, the glimmering lake, and the mist in the forest, is great! It adds depth to the setting and creates a more immersive reading experience.

Additionally, your story includes a range of interesting characters, such as Jancey's uncle and the stable boy, Hunter. These characters add depth to your story and provide opportunities for character development and interaction, you've nailed this part!

The overall plot is really interesting, a classic adventure tale with a quest, but here are some improvements:

Firstly, it jumps around too much and needs to be divided into more defined sections/paragraphs. Right now, it seems quite lengthy and could distract the reader.

Clarity: Your story could benefit from clearer descriptions and more defined transitions between scenes. For example, it's not clear where Jancey is going or why she's leaving Uncle Orwen's house. It's also unclear how she goes from riding Adeline in the forest to suddenly finding herself in a village. By providing more details and clarifying the plot points, your story would become easier to follow.

Character development: Jancey is the protagonist of the story, but we don't know much about her except for the fact that she's looking for her parents. Adding more information about her background, motivations, and personality would help the reader connect with her and understand her journey better.

Consistency: There are several inconsistencies in the story that could be corrected to make it more 'believable' or, in other terms, 'realistic'. For example, Jancey initially says that she dressed in her brother's tunic, but later refers to herself as a girl.

Editing: There are several errors in the story, including punctuation errors and misspellings. Editing the story for these errors would improve the overall quality and readability of the story.

Imagery: While there are some really nice descriptions in the story (e.g., "the mist gleamed like witch dust"), the story could benefit from more vivid and sensory language to create a stronger sense of place and atmosphere. By using more evocative language, the story would become more immersive and engaging as your story does have LOTS of potential!

Overall, your story is quite good! Keep up the good work and, by maybe using some of these suggestions, you can make it even better! Well done!

- HB




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78 Reviews

Points: 7987
Reviews: 78

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Wed Apr 19, 2023 9:53 pm
cookiesandcream123 wrote a review...



Hi there!

First of all, really interesting story, and this seems like a great start! I like the descriptions in this chapter. They're very detailed and vivid, especially when you described the witch.

For constructive criticism, I think you just need to fix the grammar! There aren't any commas or periods, so it's a bit difficult to read. Also, I'd recommend breaking this up into smaller paragraphs. Every time a new character speaks, you should start a new paragraph for that.

For example, the conversation with the witch should be written like this:

Clearly a witch, but I still approached her. She could have something useful.
“Do you, by any chance, have any potions for fighting the creatures of the night?” After all, the forest could be extremely dangerous during the night.
She replied in her vile yet hypnotic voice. “Of course, dearie, we have tons of those.”


So yeah! Just don't forget to add periods at the end of sentences. Other than that, though, your writing is really good. Keep up the great work! :D




Headinthestars2525 says...


Thx so much



cookiesandcream123 says...


Yw! : )



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Points: 40
Reviews: 4

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Tue Apr 18, 2023 5:10 pm
Headinthestars2525 says...



I’m proud of my work im an aspiring author who wants to share my work feel free to leave constructive criticism as i am always looking to improve my work i will be posting this in parts since im actively working on it expect long breaks between parts and I apologize in advance for that anyways please enjoy my work i will be posting some of my other story’s as well when i get more points




User avatar


Points: 40
Reviews: 4

Donate
Tue Apr 18, 2023 4:05 pm
Headinthestars2525 says...







Everything’s edible if you’re immortal.
— Feltrix